HELP!! cheating wife???

[Someguy101]

HELP Cheating wife?

Hello All, I am new to this site came here to seeking some advice.
I am very cut and distraught… I will try and keep it short.


I am 30 year old Australian male, married to a Japanese woman. Have been/was with her for around 2 years.

I met her on a social/dating website. We were flirting on and off and eventually we met… at a park near my home.

She seemed like a great girlfriend/parter…at first… Pretty but but modest (not glamour queen) Seemingly shy, 'innocent' if you will…but I feel that was all just a deceptive mask she put on to suck me in.

Anyway she got pregnant and we decided to keep the child…her choice I have an 8 month old Son. I went to Japan, met her family- married her in Japan to 'do the right thing' before he was born.

Slowly her shady past started to unfold. She was a tourist girl, been to about 20 or 30 countries partying around the globe (she has a very wealthy father), I on the other hand am poor with rheumatoid arthritis living in community housing- I don't have the greatest social life)

When I first met her I asked her how many partners/boyfriends she had been with she said 6. I told her 10 (the truth).

She has many friends in many countries "party friends" that I never got to meet. She would always go off the parties and come back late at night/early morning ALL THE TIME!, one time she was claiming to work part time as a baby sitter. One night she stayed at the employers house because "it was too late to get home/transport" which I think was a bit sus but I let it slip... why would she not invite me out to parties?

She was very materialistic "high maintenance" from having a wealthy father spoiling her and always buying her everything, maybe she expected me to be her new daddy?. I dunno but we would fight over money, almost every day she expect me to go shopping and buy her things (but get angry if I ever bought myself anything)…she would try and control my money (In Japanese culture women tend to control the mans money)

I had the strong suspicion she was cheating because of her behaviour and how she was always out with friends (most that I never get to meet) she had been here as a tourist Several times before I knew her!

Anyway I had suspicions she was cheating so I asked her "are you cheating me" her eyeballs shifted/looked away going all 'crying' "Oh if you can't trust me it's over"… which made me even more suspicious!

There was a time she got all dressed up posh wearing all black lots of make up I joke "who you trying to impress"? she smiled not say anything.. anyway I looked through her phone I shouldn't have... she lied about where was going she said she was seeing her friend kyoko but really she was seeing some girl 'kate lee' way up north at party?... that i had never met.... hmm when I told her she was bullshitting she flipped that I went through her phone... Bad of me I know but she was still lying where she was going.

Anyway there was a time we got into a BAD fight (saying nasty things about each other) She say "oh my canadian boyfriend had bigger dick" I say yeh I been girls with bigger tits etc etc (childish stuff) then I said something that must have struck a nerve and she said "yeh I cheated on you!"

I FLIPPED!!…

I threw her stuff out… went into a rage, called her all kinds of names.
My suspicions were RIGHT …(and my parent's were saying I was just "paranoid")

anyway get this a few days later she said it was just a "joke"… seriously am I to believe that?
and she says "my friends agree that it was a joke" and I tell her "You really think I give a f#ck what your friends think? of course they'll lie/stick up for you.

Why would she "joke" in a serious heated argument??… doesn't make sense. you don't "joke" about those things! it was good we fought because the truth slipped out! … saying it's a "joke" seems like a bit a lie/cover up to try and keep me.


She still denies it but it seems pretty friggin obvious! She has two phones one for japan one for here... always keeps phone locked. If there no kid and no marriage I would have just dumped her! and walked away (I never cheated on a woman but most previous GF's have so I know the warning signs)

After we married had son... stop having sex for 4 months... she said it okay to see prostitute if I want... if she cared about me why would she say that.



Now I want to divorce but I have to raise a kid, and keep in contact with this STUPID LYING CHEATING WHORE!! !!! SO STUPID OF ME to get sucked into all this…I feel like I been tricked and used from the very start and now because I have a kid I have to constantly deal with this bitch! … I love seeing my sons face, but it also HURTS =(

She was compulsive liar about everything. There was a time I looked through her phone (something which is really WRONG I know and i normally never do but hey it was driving me insane.. and YES there was a time she was LYING about where she was going!…she was meeting some totally different person/party or whatever)

anyway we fighting on Skype and I say "so how many guys from how many countries have you ****ed? she says "over 20 wait 30" with a smile/tongue emoticon… I feel disgusted!… she lied to me from the beginning!!

what do I do? would you stay with a woman like this (if you were as stupidly fooled as me?) … and do you really think she could have been "joking" ?… she always started crying and said "joke" when I said you BEEN with around 30 guys?!?…


I think she just compulsive liar and cheater… what do I do? I already told her I don't want her immigrating here.
I can't sleep at night… I don't want to contact her ..most of the time she is unresponsive anyway.


I mean.. if you got into BAD fight and then she say "YEH?!..I CHEATED".. then say it a "joke" a few days would you TRUST THAT???..

ME if i look after zen what will you do? party and cheat?
HER having sex with guy
ME your a cheater
HER good night
ME your fault not mine
ME ALWAYS remember that bitch
ME byebye...
HER im BITCH (chuckle)
HER bye
HER plz let me know if someone looking for bitch women (heart)
HERur ex wife is really bitch (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart) (heart)

shes like "oh you believe that"

shes a twisted bitch right? she ****ing with me in a serious way should I divorce her? I can't sleep

she obviously doesn't respect my feelings

HER: I want to have sax with new bf
HER Bye
HER :$ (inlove) :O"

she says "jokes"

what do you think? divorce her?

she doesn't seem to phazed with divorce or trying to save it

- - - Updated - - -

is that a reply? ?

[supertwonk]

I Do not know where to begin...

please bear in mind that we are only hearing your side of the story here and just from memory reading your lengthy thread id say a lot of it is very angry ranting and name calling... fair enough if all you say is true..

first thing is it would appear that she has no respect for you whatsoever.. i do not believe you will ever fully know the truth about her, her motives or agenda, (I SUGGEST YOU STOP TRYING TO FIND THE TRUTH). Instead look at how she is making you feel right now and ask yourself if that is why you should divorce her..

Do you want a child to be brought up in an enviroment like that?

can you ever forgive her? (assuming she wants you to)

i suggest you wait till you are in a better frame of mind and keep yourself away from the trauma for a short while and compose yourself.

You alone know the full circumstances but if it were me id run for the hills

[Someguy101]

Thanks for the reply supertwonk . What do you mean by "run for the hills" ? Elaborate...

[dontaskme]

"Run for the hills"....Get the f**k out of the marriage ASAP!

[woody]

"her choice" (your words) on the baby. Yeesh.
gee man, seems your focusing on the drag of being cheated on and forgetting the beautiful fact that you now have a bouncing beautiful baby boy and that because of this child, you get to be a Father. A Father.

So, what are you going to do about it?
Focus on all the wrongs you've been done or focus on what really matters and that's your son. Your son and you.

And word to the wise. This woman may have stomped your heart; she may well deserve some of the vibrant words to which you describe her in your moments of rage and hurt BUT She is also the Mother of YOUR child and with that must come a respect.
Sure, maybe you two aren't a match made in heaven but none of that matters anymore anyway.
Pick up your pieces, regain your self worth and go be a good Father to your son. Your blessed. Focus on the good man. Your a lucky guy. You get to be a Dad. Congrats by the way.

[Someguy101]

Yeh well, when she was only a few months pregnant we were already fighting and I told her "what's the point in keeping it if it's just going to be like this? not fair for us or the kid" she threatened to kill herself unless we kept it so yeh...It was kinda blackmail, and I stupidly went along with it!!. =(

I get to be father HORRAY... do bad its with a cold, mean, sneaky woman that's just going to make my life hell in the future..well it was my own fault for rushing in...=S

Now she won't divorce unless I get passport for son. (he already has citizenship) Social worker told me to see Legal Aid first

whole situation is a mess...

[woody]

Yes indeed that sounds like a total drag.
If she's unstable you may want to document some backup in case one day you need it. Meaning, if she's an unfit Mother, you'd need to protect your son.
If she's a good Mother, hopefully with some time she'll stop being unreasonable and adapt an amicable outlook to co parenting.

Hey, in a year, the mess will clear up somewhat. Watch out for hidden agenda's. Don't let her take your son away from you.

Hope it all works out for you and your baby.

[Someguy101]

He's an anchor bhaby, and she uses him as a weapon against me =S
I don't trust her, so I think it's kinda futile staying staying with?, unless I go see some hookers and it turns into an open-marriage but that seems completely pointless to me, besides I'm not like that. No point staying locked into this just because of kid... but that's the thing, she won't divorce me, joking about cheating and refusing to divorce? wtf??

Yes I think there was a hidden agenda right from the start =S
She just using me ... friggin trick chick... do NOT trust what she got planned for the future... =S

[lost_man]

Why the hell would you put up with any of that? Seriously, do you have no self esteem at all?

There is almost no point in commenting because you've put up with outrageous stuff already so either you are unwilling or unable to man up. The fact that you are asking about ways to prolong this fiasco is frankly pathetic.

I disagree with Woody that she deserves respect for trapping you into a nightmare, but I agree that it's a good idea to collect evidence of her behaviour. You need to be taking advice from a legal professional now, and quietly.

She is a lunatic. Distance yourself, recover, look after your son and take a good long look at yourself and what it is in your own psychology that has led you down this path.

[woody]

I did NOT say she deserves respect for 'trapping him into a nightmare' as you say, (good grief)
I implied that because she is the Mother of their child, she deserves a certain courtesy, especially when he speaks about her in front of this young infant.
Bad mouthing any Mother or Father in front of the child is simply bad form that offers little by way of impression.
I agree, she sounds a wee bit off kilter which is why I suggested keeping track of any shabby moves on her part so perhaps one day he can get custody.
Again, I did NOT say she deserves respect for trapping him; merely that she is and will remain this childs Mother and with that a respectable common courtesy, one would hope would imply.

[lost_man]

Sorry Woody, I can be a little blunt sometimes!

I know you didn't say that literally, and it's self evident that not saying bad things about her in front of the child is best the the kid's development I agree, I just didn't want the guy to suppress his emotions any further because that woman is clearly toxic for him.

[michelle23]

I get your upset but the way your acting is very wrong. This woman is your wife and regardless of what shes done-it is abusive for you to call her a whore, bitch, slut etc..

And the fact you are talking about an innocent baby like he never should have been born is shocking. This child is your son. You need to shake yourself and stop this now.

If your marriage is over, go and talk to a divorce lawyer but everything you do now is going to affect that little boy so its your job to ensure you move forward in the right way. He needs to come first. You have to ensure his welfare is at the top of your list.

Regardless of what happens, she is his mother, shes going to be in your life so you have to be civil and try to come to an arrangement that is in the best interest of the child.

The way you are talking right now-this child will grow up to feel unwanted, unloved, undervalued and like a mistake. Do you know how many kids lives have been ****ed up by parents who are too selfish and immature to put their kids needs first?

Go to a parenting class and ensure you dont play a role in damaging this child.

[woody]

Sorry Woody, I can be a little blunt sometimes!

I know you didn't say that literally, and it's self evident that not saying bad things about her in front of the child is best the the kid's development I agree, I just didn't want the guy to suppress his emotions any further because that woman is clearly toxic for him.

All good man; agree, toxic and the guy needs support no doubt; tough situation. I always have a hard time believing this kind of toxicity sometimes does indeed exist. Bugs me much.

Anyway, all good. I get it.
have a good day

[Someguy101]

Hi I'm back, the original poster, I want to clarify a few things...

1) Yes I know foul language is bad, my apologies ,It's just me venting (she does it too and not good for my son) Advice respected. My own parents split when I was 4 years old, shouting/violence/affairs VERY bad So I know the psychological effects it can have on the very young from first hand experience. I guess being told i been cheated on is a de ja vu from highschool days .. I do think I overreacted when I heard the words from her mouth but hey it's a life changing event!... I wish I made sure to keep him here--- now he's with her

2) Well yes, It is a bit of a touchy subject, but hey I'm glad he is here now- I just hope she's not gonna twist him, tell him all these lies so he'll grow up to hate me. I think being honest with him is important. I'd happily tell him when he is old enough I was very unsure/uncertain and freaked out about his birth ...and hey that's perfectly okay and normal? ...especially since it was with a woman I barely knew? (my own fault) . As long as I am a supportive loving father that's all that matters.

3) I agree with the person that said she trapped me in a nightmare- couldn't have put it better myself.

first she said she wouldn't sign divorce papers untill he had passport she was threatening lawyer so now she has it... but guess what? she still refusing divorce. I did a dob-in to immigration and border protection just incase she forged/copied the immigration papers I half burnt up in front of her when it all fell apart. It's okay my son having australian citizenship, but not her.

When you marry in a foreign country/ divorcing it's allot harder.

Yes I will need an international lawyer/ family law - It will cost me thousands =( argh! legal aid (for poor people) seem useless but will try them again.

Once i'm divorced I'll move on... I won't care who she gets with in future... I couldn't imagine any guy that could put up with her incredibly materialistic- high-standards, and control freak nature along with her habbitual lying. but good luck to her.

I mean everyone lies every now and then, but her? to her lying is like 2nd nature,I think she can't actually help lying all the time, it's like compulsive/pathological lying ... just destructive for my well being...

[woody]

Okay; but do you get to see your son? and how often?

If she's as nutty as you say, he's gonna need you close by and often.

anyway, good luck