Obviously in need of some perspective

[livefreeordie]

I am in an emotional mess, and I can't find my way out. Please understand that I know all this is my fault, and I know my behavior is wrong and inexcusable. I have dug myself into this hole, and need some perspective to find my way out with the least amount of carnage.

I met David in a romantic foreign country where I was having the time of my life last year. We were both traveling and sparked a romance that kept us in eden for 4 months before he had to leave and return to "the real world."

David was in the last months of a trip that spanned 25 countries in a year and a half's time. He was cycling through South East Asia. I was spending 6 months in South East Asia doing humanitarian work. We connected quickly and passionately. But traveling relationships being what they are, temporary, I didn't take it seriously and was soon on to the next one. However, even after his departure David stayed in touch with me. We live in different countries, him Canada, me the US. When I found my way back to North America, my best friend and I met him in NYC, and followed him up to Toronto for several months. My friend eventually left for home, but I was enjoying a budding romance with David and stayed for another month.

When it was time for me to return to America, we made promises of long term love and a grand future, but 2 months later when David came to live with me in the US, I was overwhelmed with my own problems of returning to "regular" life and routine, and didn't feel like I could commit to such a thing. I sent him back to Canada, and decided for myself that, that should be the end of that relationship. David however stayed in touch, no matter how occasionally, and we still had plenty in common and he was a fine friend to confide in and laugh with.

In the midst of David coming and going I had met someone new, Brendan. Brendan is a guy I had met 6 months before leaving to Asia. We were both in other serious relationship at the time of meeting, so we had never engaged in a romantic relationship. We had met on a few occasions for lunch and drinks, but it was as friends, craving intellectual conversation and challenge. I found Brendan fascinating and brilliant, and had always been attracted to him. While I was in SEA we had exchanged emails and text messages. Nothing flirtatious, mostly about things like music and day to day activities. However when I returned back, things heated up instantly and we were quickly very madly in love.

David and I stayed in touch, but on a avery platonic level, though we exchanged text messages daily, we rarely talked outsideof that. I could tell David still held a torch for me, But I ignored it, I was too busy falling head over heels for Brendan, he andI had a fiery passionate relationship. That was filled with heated arguments and blissful reconciliations. It was the deepest and most exciting love I had ever known. But after some time, the arguments became more routine, and more personal... After 4 months of dating i took a two month trip to Brazil for work, which created a very real rift between Brendan and I.

When I returned from Brazil, I started planning another long term trip 4-6 months in South America, Brendan and I weren't getting along, the fighting kept on, and it was clear that the relationship probably would not survive the upcoming trip, there was a silent recognition that the next few months would be our last. A month after my return from Brazil I found out he was carrying on with another girl and planning on getting together with her the day after I left. I immediately broke up with him and decided I didn't need it. I started seeing someone new and trying to forget about the heartbreak I was feeling from Brendan.

It was during this time, that David asked if I would like to come stay with him in Canada for a few weeks before I left to South America, I wasn't sure if I should, knowing that David still had feelings for me and I was still very much in love with Brendan. I held off on giving David an answer, telling him about my love troubles and telling him I first had to figure that out.

In this time Brendan and I reconciled, we were united and happy again. We found that both of us had been pulling away was for fear of what seemed like an expiration date on our relationship. It was making us both insecure and we were holding back,fearing that the coming trip would only divide us. We agreed to not determine the future of our relationship yet, and to enjoy each other for a period longer. It worked! And we were really happy. Then Brendan found out that the person I was seeing while we were broken up was a girl. This of course devastated him because I had never expressed to him my tendencies toward bisexuality. He said he could get over it but instead was angry and distant. The fighting started again and it seemed like I couldn't bring him back to me, I started distancing again, pulling away. I kept seeing the girl on the side, and continued to make plans with David to go to Canada. Eventually the day came, and I got on the plane to Canada, Brendan seemed unaffected by my decision to leave, and I assumed the broken relationship was over.

Soon after I arrived in Canada with David our relationship began to heat up again. It was fun and easy so I indulged, but I stillmissed Brendan. He started writing me and calling me, desperate and sorry. He said he was sorry for pushing me away, andthat he didn't want to be without me. He begged me to no to stay with David, to come home to him. I did.

I went back to the US and back to Brendan. The relationship was finally what I wanted. I had seemed to figure out that I wanted him and he had seemed to have figured out that he wanted me. But when he found out about the romances I had been carrying on with the girl and David over the last month he was devastated and quickly rejected me again. I swore that both other relationships were over and even called both David and the girl who I had not been seeing or talking to, and told them that I had decided to be with Brendan and did not wish to keep in touch with them anymore.

Again Brendan and I reconciled and spent a few wonderful weeks together until I left to South America. While in South America I was devoted to and missed Brendan. I couldn't wait to return home to him, and start a life where we were planning on moving in together, and starting our life. However, while I was gone Brendan started to have a change of heart. He became angry and mean again. He told me I was a mistake, that had deeply hurt him and he wanted nothing to do with me in the future. I thought for sure the relationship was finally over.

Over the next few months, I was still devoted to and heartbroken over Brendan. I spent all my time trying to win him back and moping over it. David had started messaging me again, and was eager for my return to North America from South America.We made plans for me to return to Canada upon my return.

When I arrive in America, I heard often from Brendan who again said he missed me and wanted me back. He said he knew for sure this time, that he was wrong and wanted us to go on with our plans to start our lives together. Instead of taking a bus North to Canada to be with David, I got on a bus South to be with Brendan. When I arrived things were amazing, but by the end of my first night, I could tell something was wrong between us. The next day Brendan told me he didn't feel the same about me as he thought he would, he loved me but was tired of the hard and tiring relationship, so full of passion, but also heartache. We spent a final night together, and the next day he sent me back on a bus after much crying and remorse. I of course was heartbroken again, always chasing after this guy to have him only reject me time and time again.

Days later Brendan told me he was wrong, and he knew it, for sending me away. That he does in fact want to be with me, wedecided to wait a few months and then move in together in a new city and start our new life together as we had always planned.

I had a few months to kill and little faith that Brendan and I would last long enough to make that happen. So I got on a bus to Canada, again.

When I arrived this time, things were different between David and I. I no longer felt the distance and temporary feelings that I usual feel for him. I didn't miss Brendan. I was just happy. Happy with David, happy with our life. I have been here for 2 months. and I am still happy with David, and even, I would say, in love.

But Brendan has since moved into our new house, in the new city, and is waiting for my arrival. David too is discussing leasesand the possibility of us getting engaged. When I first got here I was playing games with David, just biding time until I would move in with Brendan. But since my feelings have become real, and I no longer know which relationship I want. Both are fighting for me to stay and start a life with them. But I simply do not know which is the right relationship.

Brendan is emotional, powerful, brilliant. He is who I have always felt more drawn to.With him, I feel overwhelming emotions, that deep hypnotic draw of love. I feel I can't live without him. But we have nothing in common, he has no desire to travel, hates trying new things, and lives a much more conservative lifestyle. I worry that we will never have what it takes to sustainlong term relationship. Though I know I love him more. I wonder if we are bound to chase each other in circles forever. If we can ever give in and trust one another and just be happy. Or if our relationship only thrives on the drama.

David is more like me, playful, nomadic, laid-back. With him we are always having fun, and there in no pressure. He is sweetto me, and I am loving to him. We play together, we do things together, we talk about anything and everything. I do not feel that wild ache in me to be by his side, but I wonder if that is what makes a good relationship anyway. It seems to me that it only leads to heartache. Which I have had enough of at the moment. It seems that David and I are far more suited for long term compatibly. But will I only grow bored with time...?

Any advice?

I know I sound like a moral-less, selfish, immature girl. I admittedly am. But I feel like I want to leave that part of myself behind. I am ready to make a commitment, ready to grow up. I don't want to hurt either of these men, that is perhaps why I have been so weak in leaving either of them. I recognize that it is too late to avoid that at this point. I just want to make a gooddecision and I want to be assured that if I am making such a big commitment that I am giving that to the right person.

Obviously, at this point, neither man knows I am still involved with the other. David believes that Brendan and I broke the relationship off in South America, he does not know I went to him when I got back, and doesn't know that the relationship is ongoing.

Brendan believes that my relationship with David ended before I left to South America, when he told me to end it. And I am currently living with friends in NYC saving money.

I am 26, have vast professional skills. that allow me to be financially independent, and am planning another 2-3 month trip toAsia in about 4 months.

[IndiReloaded]

I am 26, have vast professional skills. that allow me to be financially independent, and am planning another 2-3 month trip toAsia in about 4 months.

Apparently being concise isn't one of them. Shorten your story if you want responses. We're not paid here.

[smackie9]

Yes pleasssssssssssssse!

[MaidenMinx]

I got through it all and I must say, I don't think either of these guys is right for you. If either of them were you wouldn't have played either of them.

BUT, if you want just a Brendan or David answer, then David. The differences between you and Brendan are why you argue so much and can't keep it together. The similarities between you and David will carry you through the tough times.

To be honest, I don't think you have the staying power to push through the tough times. You 'want' to change, but change takes more than want. It takes neccesity , drive and determination.

[livefreeordie]

Thank you, MaidenMinx. I appreciate your insight. You are right. I love spontanety. I like to live in the now. Looking to far into the future bores me. But at some point a person starts to crave things that aren't temporary. Maybe you are right, and neither of these guys are that for me

[Boisdevie]

Shorter post = more replies. I for one have no inclination to read all of that. Please get to the point. Reading incredibly long posts bore the shite out of me.

[surfhb]

Maybe if you stayed in one spot you could carry a meaniful relationship? Just throwing it out but life doesn't revolve around the here and now. It takes planning and hard work to maintain a good relationship. Maybe I can't relate to your situation but I have to work all week to survive so trips to SEA and SA 1&2 dOnt really make Alot of sense in maintaining a relationship. I mean, with your skill set you must have worked hard to gain the cash to do this kind of traveling right? Same thing goes for relationships.

Wait till you settle down in one city before considering that.....in other words....grow up first then get into a relationship

Your name says it all. You Can't Live Free and be committed to another person....life doesn't go that way.

[livefreeordie]

Thanks surfhb, I appreciate your insight. I have if course heard this many times before, and will likely continue to hear it forever. I thought a lot about what you said, and I just have to say different things make different people happy. I love to travel, explore, and live free. This doesn't mean I am not mature or grounded. It just means I rather be swimming in the oceans than pounding away on a keyboard in some cubicle. Living free doesn't mean you are unworthy or incapable of love. It just means you need to find someone to be free with, someone who will be free with you.

[Boisdevie]

Living free doesn't mean you are unworthy or incapable of love. It just means you need to find someone to be free with, someone who will be free with you.

I admire your optimism but not your sense of reality.

[livefreeordie]

thanks. But it's true, just because some people chose to live their lives doing things they don't like or don't want to do, doesn't mean it is the only choice. I have met many people like me in happy marriages, where both partners are fulfilled and chasing their dreams all over the globe, together.

[surfhb]

Wait those were your words not mine .

I would love to travel too and swim with turtles in the blue ocean but I have a life i need to support. I Could easily pack all this up and explore as well but I wouldn't be able to maintain the relationships I desire.

I guess you need to find another person who i as financially Indy like yourself who wishes to travel? I don't know?

The reason why youve heard this so much is because it happens to be true. Regardless....the other poster are right....neither one of these guys are right for you.

[surfhb]

thanks. But it's true, just because some people chose to live their lives doing things they don't like or don't want to do, doesn't mean it is the only choice. I have met many people like me in happy marriages, where both partners are fulfilled and chasing their dreams all over the globe, together.

You mean people who don't have to work for a living or have worked in the past to gain the ability to enjoy such luxuries and have the ability to live by the seat of thier pants? Most guys i know arent able to do what you do or would run away when they find out theyve met girl who doesnt like to stay put in one spot. Guys your age are thinking of starting families. But They're out there so keep looking till you meet one. Good luck!!

[livefreeordie]

Thanks. I appreciate your thought, and you taking the time to reply.

[surfhb]

Thanks. I appreciate your thought, and you taking the time to reply.

You are welcome! Just throwing out some perspective.

Btw.....might I suggest you visit Southern Nicarugua ( if you havent already done so) before it turns into what Costa Rica has become. I go next week!

[cheekxs]

make your story short, maybe then i will read it dammit