In Love With Close Friend-Need Opinions Ladies

[cmc67]

Hello to everyone, I'm new here and very happy I stumbled onto this Forum, very interesting discussions here. Well, need some opinions on my situation. It's very long(I really apologize for this, but I didn't want to leave out details, so bear with me, it's a novel.....) but the background info is important to the situation.

I am in love with a close female friend who I have known for over a year now. She is 30 and I am 41, but I look a bit younger(it runs in my family). Her and I both attend the same college at night, pursuing another degree, and this is where we met in one of our classes. She is an International student from Brazil, has been here in the US for a few years now taking courses. She is a wonderful girl, cute, a kind heart, the cutest accent you could imagine and her English is very good, just sometimes she needs help with some words and pronunciation, spelling, outgoing, close to her family members back home, positive and strong. When we first met, we slowly became friends working on school related work together, and we would hang out when we could with another friend from school. I gradually started liking her more and more, but made the awful mistake so many guys make, I said nothing and didn't make my move. Eventually I started having more heartfelt and serious feelings for her, Then IT happened....... One day after class in April she mentioned to me and our other friend she was in terrible pain in her feet and legs and could hardly walk. I knew that she liked to exercise alot and asked her about this, and told her to go to the doctor right away to see if she had maybe injured herself. Well, to make a long story short, she went to doctors and the hospital and over the course of several months and tests, etc.... they first thought she had stress fractures in her heels, then finally decided she had severe, chronic inflammation of both her Achilles tendons. During this time, I was there for her every step of the way, it was so bad she could not leave the house she was in, and I basically had to do everything I could to help her. I got her signed up for charity care, as she did not have insurance, and the costs of the MRI's and other tests would have been astronomical. The host family she had been living with for a few years and working for, decided she was no longer any use to them and basically just threw her out on the street.

She has a large group of friends, and they helped her, but nobody was able to help her as much as I did, as she was now not only incapacitated, but almost homeless and in danger of losing her visa status. I was there for her regarding all of this, helped her find a new sponsor, got her Student visa renewed, made sure she was able to finish the semester and her finals, took care of her doctor bills that the charity care and school insurance would not cover, all the while being there for her emotionally and support-wise when she was crying from everything going on in her life, and the host family treating her like garbage. I even paid a few medical bills I did not tell her about, because she would have got more upset that I was sacrificing so much for her, I know she and her family called me and my family angels for being there for her, and they know the sacrifice and stress I went through, but to me it was not that at all, I was helping someone I truly cared about, who had nowhere else to turn, simple as that. I never asked for anything in return, and she knows this. She is very proud and hated not being able to do anything or have the money to pay her bills, her family back home helped as well. During all this time, we grew closer, the girl has been through hell and it brought our friendship even closer, but my original feelings for her gre even more, because i got to know her that much more. She was only able to stay in the new sponsor's house until early this month, and then she had to leave, so I told her she could come stay at my house, I had the room, she had no other options, and was not about to turn my back on her. Happily, she is finally after many, many months almost back to 100 percent health-wise, started paying me back for the bills I paid(She insisted on this, her family is just brought up this way) will be able to work soon for another sponsor family and get back to school in January(she had to miss this semester due to her health and financial situation). We have become so close that we are almost like a married couple, I know what food she likes, loves, hates or likes for about 2 weeks, then is tired of lol know what she uses for shampoo and conditioner, body lotion, toothpaste, all of her quirks and habits etc... as well as what mood she is in just by the faces she makes, her misspoken certain words in English, and the same pretty much goes for me with her knowing all about me as well. Our birthdays are 10 days apart, we are the same sign even.

Problem is, she has always called me her good, close friend, and though we occasionally flirt or make jokes like a couple would, she has never really hinted as me being a possible boyfriend. I have joked about us being like a married couple, and she agrees that we know each other so well now, but says I am a close, close friend and the way she says it sounds to me like she is afraid the friendship will be destroyed if I consider her as more than a friend, because she obviously doesn't feel the same way, although it is obvious she does really care about me. She has helped me as well during all she went through, her strength, positive outlook on life, etc... has helped me as well, as I really needed that to rub off on me at this current stage in my life. But, I love the girl with all my heart, with all I have, and if we were together, I would probably ask her to marry me within another year or so, I really thought she was the one I have been looking for all my life and I had finally found her, but things can't go on much longer like this. There have been a few awkward moments because she at least must have a hint of what I feel for her, and I try so, so hard to just be cool and be her friend and not let her see that I have a million emotions going through my head whenever I am with her, which is hard to avoid given that her room is across from mine! But I wanted my house to be a safe haven for her until she is back to normal and finds another family and job and back to school, and I have given her that, but it's getting too uncomfortable for me. There is simply no way I can be just friends with her at this stage, if she started dating someone or got a boyfriend, I would not be able to handle seeing or hearing about it, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable or upset, so I'm thinking that as soon as she tells me she is 100 percent, found another family to move in with and work for, begun saving money again, and registered for next semester in school, I will have to end the friendship.... It will be one of the hardest, most painful decisions I have ever had to make, but I don't see an alternative. She isn't dating anyone now, and has said she doesn't want a boyfriend right now, school is more important, but my feelings have started already, regarding this. Her and her closest girlfriend are having dinner tonight at her friend's apartment in NYC, and they are staying overnight because they don't want to drive home real late. This friend is a guy, she told me about him, and I am 90 percent sure he is just a friend, but there is just a bit of doubt because he is closer to her age, a good looking guy from Italy and has a good and good paying job, he's doing better than I am right now and probably has a lot more to offer. The other thing bothering me is that she never wears makeup that much, she is naturally pretty and does not need it or like it much, but she got dolled up today to leave and go there, even had perfume on, even though she said they were all going to have dinner in his apartment because she doesn't want to go to restaurants right now, as she is broke, and this I know she really does mean. Still, it seemed odd to me. He came here to pick her up and I met him briefly. The reason he may just be a friend though is because she mentioned him in the past and said then he was a friend, and in fact, she said this again last night and also said his work project is ending in January and he is going back to Italy where he lives, so I am guessing she wouldn't have got involved with someone who doesn't even live here and is leaving in a few months anyways? But I am dying inside, wondering if he is more than a friend, and it's killing me, and I can't sleep tonight, so I'm writing this. She will be back tomorrow. It's no good for her if I would become upset around her, and it's no good for me to continue pining for her. I know I will be called selfish, but this is a situation where both of us would suffer eventually, and the friendship probably wouldn't survive anyway, even if it is strong and there is a bond there. She has a good, fairly sizeable group of friends, and losing one is not going to destroy her, and once she moves out and moves in with a new family, she won't need me as much anymore anyways I think, so I don't think it will be so bad. She will be fine, and I will tell her if she ever needs me for an emergency situation or something, and has no one else to turn to, she can be assured she can contact me and I will help her. Ladies, no doubt men and women do not think alike, so the guys opinions are welcome here too, but want to hear from the ladies. Am I doing the right thing? Do you think, after reading all this, that I am making the correct decision? If not, tell me why and what you think I should do. Also, what is your take on the dinner with her Italian friend tonight? She said her girlfriend would be there also, but something just doesn't feel right to me, do you agree? Please let me know and thanks for listening to me ramble on......

[*Aceso*]

Hi cmc! It's a tuff situation you are in but it can't be easy for her either. I can tell you that from my own experiance.
See, years ago I met this guy through another friend. We hit it of straight away and became very close friends. If anything good or bad happened in my life he was the first person I'd call to let him know and he was the same. We used to see each other most days as we had same interests and to cut the long story short, we were best friends for about 4 years. And then all of a sudden he started saying little things. I didn't pick up on it but my other friends did. They used to tell me that he might have feelings for me. I have never led him on, I must add. I never given him any signs that I want to take our friendship farther. I never flirted with him and even tried to set him up with couple of my girlfriends. But all of a sudden I felt really uncomfortable being around him because I was to scared that I might say or do something that might make him think I am interested. It was really hard because I cared for him but not in that kind of way. In the end I had to have "the talk" with him. I asked him if it was true that he had feelings for me and he said yes. I told him how I felt and that I am sorry but I can only give him my friendship. He said it will be hard and he wasn't sure if he can handle seeing me with a boyfriend. We really tried to stay friends for few more months but it wasn't the same kind of relationship anymore. I still feel sad sometimes about it but I guess that's how things go. I lost a great friend and I used to ask myself why didn't I fall in love with the guy when we had so much in common and we got along like house on fire. But something just wasn't there. Maybe me life would've turned out different if I did fall in love with him. Who knows. But back to your problem.
If you are ready to have her out of your life anyway, you might as well try to tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels about you. Talk to her. At this point you have nothing to lose, right?
Good luck.

[Charlie Boy II]

Look man, I was impressed by the tone of your post. It sounds like you've done a lot for this girl, but you don't have the "woe is me" attitude that a lot of people in your situation have.

To me, it sounds like this girl does not and won't have feelings for you, but that she cares about you nonetheless. It sounds like you know this too.

So to me, I think you're doing the right thing by cutting her off. It's almost impossible to get over someone you're still in regular contact with.

[lovesacrifices]

u really do have a very complicated situation that is going on there..
always remmber..loving someone sincerely, doesnt ask something in return..
if u really do love or like her sincerely..then u must respect her decisions..
its ur decision or option when u helped her..and i know, she must be really really grateful for that..but u shud also consider her feelings..or maybe..she's just afraid to have feelings or to show feelings for u coz it might ruin ur relationship with her..
the best way to end ur problem is-- tell her what u feel..
and if she doesnt feel the same way..just try to understand her and move on...
cheer up sweety..

[lovesacrifices]

u really do have a very complicated situation that is going on there..
always remmber..loving someone sincerely, doesnt ask something in return..
if u really do love or like her sincerely..then u must respect her decisions..
its ur decision or option when u helped her..and i know, she must be really really grateful for that..but u shud also consider her feelings..or maybe..she's just afraid to have feelings or to show feelings for u coz it might ruin ur relationship with her..
the best way to end ur problem is-- tell her what u feel..
and if she doesnt feel the same way..just try to understand her and move on...
cheer up sweety..

u really do have a very complicated situation that is going on there..
always remmber..loving someone sincerely, doesnt ask something in return..
if u really do love or like her sincerely..then u must respect her decisions..
its ur decision or option when u helped her..and i know, she must be really really grateful for that..but u shud also consider her feelings..or maybe..she's just afraid to have feelings or to show feelings for u coz it might ruin ur relationship with her..
the best way to end ur problem is-- tell her what u feel..
and if she doesnt feel the same way..just try to understand her and move on...
cheer up sweety..

[cmc67]

Thanks for replies so far, really appreciate it. She is starting to interview with host familes in my area again next week, though it could take some time for her to find the right one, hopefully it will be quicker. I'm not completely innocent of the woe is me feelings, I am feeling tremendous pain and heartache and obviously wish she considered me more than a close friend, but I also know you simply can't make someone love you as you love them, as hard as that is to accept. I know she does care about me genuinely, she always does the little things that tell me this, like for instance she always makes sure she has lunch with me when I come home from work on my lunch hour, and also, my mother stops by to have dinner with my brother often, when I am at class, and she prefers to wait until I get home from school later at night to have dinner with me, so I don't eat alone and we can spend some time together, she has told me this. The other awkward thing is my mother and brother like her alot and she likes them a ton too, she often helps my mother with things when my mother stops by to visit. She has met most of my other family members, and cooked for my little nieces and nephew(she takes care of kids and likes them), so she is almost a little part of the family, which makes my decision even harder, but it seems like it has to be this way. As soon as the time is right, I will talk to her and put an end to things. Maybe one day she will develop feelings for me, maybe the problem is I am too accessible, I guess only time will tell if distance makes the heart grow fonder, or she just forgets about me. The one hitch is we will probably see each other in school, and may even have 1 class together, so that could be weird. She will have a lot of memories, and a special gift I got her for her birthday, her family even has pictures of me, so we will both remember with fondness I hope, but it's all very sad...... I can only hope she doesn't resent or hate me for ending the friendship.....

[cmc67]

Update on the situation....
Well, I decided that because I do care for her so much I had to be open and honest with her, so we had the talk yesterday, she knew something was up anyways and was telling me to just talk to her and be open, so I told her that my feelings for her had grown more over time, and that I cared for her more deeply than just a friend, but I did not say I loved her, didn't think that was fair or smart to do. Her very first reaction was some anger, because she wondered obviously if I had just helped her through the problems she had only because I was hoping she would be my girlfriend. It was kinda tense and awkward at first, but when I explained to her that this was not remotely true, and that I had kept my feelings to myself only because I didn't want to put this all on her when she had all that turmoil going on, she really started to grasp that I really cared for her and was being honest, and she got a little emotional. She felt really bad because she did tell me what I already knew, she considered me a very close, good friend and that she could not return the feelings I had. She also felt bad because she asked me if she had done anything to lead me on or give hope, she looked really pained by this, but i told her no, she had never done that really. We just grew closer because of her situation and me being the guy she most depended on, and feelings developed naturally on my side.

She realized the situation and gave me a big hug, explained to me how much I meant to her as a friend, and that she prayed everynight for herself, her family and friends, especially me, that good and positive things would come to me. It was when I saw her face then, that I decided no matter how much pain I was in, and she knew I was hurting, I simply cared for her too much to end the friendship, so I never brought it up and stopped even considering it. We talked some more and we both said that we are each other's friend always, no matter what. Obviously, easier for her to do, but I am comforted by a few facts, a few being that she explained she did not want a relationship/boyfriend with anyone now, because she is simply geared to get back to 100 percent healthwise and get her degree, and will almost surely go back to Brazil after she graduates, so she has purposely avoided getting involved with someone now, because there is no future in it. It would seem at least, that I won't have to see her with someone else, and that is a relief. Also, she will probably be moving out by next month, so I will not see her everyday, and that will make things somewhat easier. I think the distance will only help, probably both of us, and I can tell already our friendship will remain strong.
Sounds like a happy ending, but obviously I'm hurting really, really bad, I had hoped she would finally be the one I was looking for. Obviously there is a strong bond and caring between us, I cannot understand why it did not translate into mutual level of feelings, although I know for a fact that my lack of confidence really contributed to it. I think she picked up on the fact that when she met me, I was not the more confident guy I used to be, and I know for a fact she is attracted to a very strong, confident guy, as are almost any woman. 41 and never married, and been quite awhile since I had a serious or steady girlfriend, my life has become quite lonely and depressing. I lost my best friend a few years ago, he was only 29, and my dad last year as well. So I probably have nobody to blame but myself, and this doesn't make things easier, but no matter what, I am her friend, and she is my friend, this I do know. I will forge ahead. Thanks to everyone who replied, really appreciate it