How do I tell her? Should I tell her?

[Ferg]

It has been over a year since my divorce and I'd like to think that I've moved on. I'm dating again and my new partner is absolutely amazing. The only thing is that I think I'm starting to feel jealous about the way she acts around one of my friends.

She is always asking if we can invite him over, I catch her staring at him a lot, she constantly seeks his approval, and when we are together they always talk about me like I'm not there. I know it is hard to tell, but it really seems like they are flirting sometimes.

On the one hand, this is all making me uncomfortable and I think I should let her know how I feel. On the other hand, maybe I'm not being objective. My wife and I divorced because I caught her cheating on me with two of my best friends at that same time. Maybe that is making me overreact.

[girl68]

Is she ONLY like this with your one male friend?

[Gigabitch]

If you are overreacting, it's perfectly understandable. Present it to her that way, as something that could possibly be nothing but your own fears and see if she's willing to change her behavior in order to keep the peace. If not, I think you have a problem on your hands.

I, myself, would be furious if my man were making too much of one of my girlfriends, and I wouldn't keep it to myself, either. I think you should figure out what you need from your girlfriend and make sure you get it, not second-guess your own feelings too much.

[RdHrshyKss]

seems like she has a thing for your friend. you shouldn't be nervous about being honest with your gf. do what giga says and see what happens. you have a right to be suspicious based off of her behavior. you've only been divorced a year, it's not like you can build trust between another person in such a short period of time. it's up to her to prove to you that she is trustworthy, and from the way you are describing her behaviors with your friend, i would be more inclined to think she is NOT trustworthy.

[Ferg]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'll talk to her about it tonight.

[RdHrshyKss]

let us know what happens and good luck!

[Ferg]

The evening looked like it was getting off to a bad start. I work as a leasing agent and I had to end the day by telling a woman living in a homeless shelter with her three kids that I wasn't able to find a place for her to live. When I got home, my girlfriend had gotten me an Xbox live membership for the year. I don't play video games very often, just a couple of hours a week, but she had an ex who was addicted to them and she has always been nervous about me playing them. "But," she said, "I know I can trust you and I wanted to show you that." This was the sort of thing that my ex would have rubbed in my face if I confronted her about flirting with my friends. Then she reminded me that we had made plans to see some art exhibits and have some drinks with a few friends, including the one I talked about before. For the rest of this thread I'll just call him David and her Sarah to make things easier.

Who do we run into while downtown? My ex-wife. Luckily she just stuck around long enough to say hi to David and then headed out. Two of my friends left early, leaving me, Sarah, and David alone having drinks. And yet her eyes were glued on me the whole time. She didn't do a single thing to make me think she was flirting with David. They didn't talk about me like I wasn't there. It was perfect.

So we were both in good spirits when we got home and I decided to talk to her about David. The very first thing she did was hug me and ask how to make sure that she never makes me feel this way ever again. Then she got a little upset that I hadn't told her sooner. After that we talked about my concerns. She said that she isn't flirting with David, only teasing him the same way that he and I tease each other and our other friends. But she also said she would stop if it would make me feel better. She said the reason she keeps inviting him over is that I've been down lately and she thought having my friends around would make me feel better. She said she didn't think she had invited him over any more frequently than she had our other friends, and now that I really think of it, there is at least one that she invites over more often. I asked her what was different about tonight and she said that I was talking more. Lately I have been really quiet. She says she isn't staring at David, just looking at him when he is talking.

If this discussion had happened between me and my ex, she would have cried, ask me why I didn't trust her, and gotten defensive about her answers. Sarah teared up a little when I told her how I felt, but we discussed everything calmly, and she wasn't defensive at all. I asked my questions and she gave me the answers. She didn't try to make me feel guilty about being suspicious; she didn't even try to make me feel silly about it. She offered to do anything she could to make sure I didn't have those feelings again. I told her that the thing that hurt me the most was talking about me like I wasn't there. She said, "that's a horrible thing to do. I'm sorry I hurt you by doing that. I'll try to stop, but if you catch me doing it again, let me know."

[Alvy]

Glad to hear it was just a case of looking into things too much. She also sounds like a very reasonable and understanding woman...you lucky dog you.