Confusing contact with ex after 1 month NC?

[rachelg]

Hi all, im sure some of you saw my last post but basically its been about one month since my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. We are both 21 and he felt that I was holding him back in life. I think he wanted to experience what it was like to be single and be able to sleep with other people - something he craves but never seems to want it for very long before he comes crawling back to me because he realizes it isn't that good (he has left about four time for about two weeks then come back). He feels like he is too young to be in such a serious relationship. In saying that, we love each other a lot, and I know there are things that would need to be worked on for us to be a good couple, such as me being too dependent on him, and him having more freedom in the relationship.

So I have had no contact at all for four weeks, until last night I caved and called him. He answered and I said I was just seeing how he was going and was thinking about him. He was quite cold at first, and we had small talk, then he started to say how much he missed me sexually and how turned on her was getting just talking to me. I tried to change the subject but thats all he could think about, he wanted me to come over, and he also wanted to come over to my place. I said I cared about him too much to have a one night thing with him and that I couldnt give him what he wanted. He then started asking me whether I had slept with anyone else since we had broken up, and if I had he wanted to hear about it because it turned him on. I dont understand why that wouldnt make him upset or jealous or angry to think about? Once I was firm about my answer, he started to be a bit rude to me and said that he was talking to other girls. We got off the phone and he texted me saying it was best I didnt call him again because it messed with his head. He then deleted me off all social media.

I am really confused and I don't understand what's going on or where his head is at. I really miss him and I will keep giving him as much space as he needs because I know it would be toxic for us to patch things up right now, but I dont know where to go from here. Any help or advice would be appreciated

[TheEvilJester]

I can tell you don't really want the advice we gave on your last topic. Don't get me wrong. I understand how you feel. But I cannot, in good conscience, give you any advice other than to echo exactly what I said before. You deserve better than this guy. Again, honestly, if he doesn't want a committed relationship, that is perfectly fine. He doesn't have to commit if he doesn't want to. If that were fine with you, if you were fine with an open relationship.... then that would be perfectly fine and you two could continue to do just that if it makes you both happy.

But, where he is wrong is in that he keeps playing with your heart even though he knows you want something serious, but that is apparently not what he wants to provide. At this point, you say he has done this to you four times. Do you really want to give for number five? What reason do you have to believe this time would be any different? Please don't misunderstand. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, and I'm not trying to blame you.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. I understand it can be hard to let go of somebody you thought could be "The One." The thing is, "The One," the right guy for you.... he wouldn't do this to you. He wouldn't pretend to love you, then toss you aside so easily like you meant nothing. He wouldn't cast you aside, but then keep crawling back to you because he knows you'll take him back... and he can just press re-start on the whole cycle of abuse.

Just look at the interaction you two had. He starts off cold, rude, and distant. ...Then he seems to warm up, but he brings it directly to sex talk. When you refuse to engage in that.... he's right back to being a A-hole. Does that really sound like a keeper? I think, more so, you are clinging to an IDEA. To the IDEA of what you thought he could be. To the IDEA of WHO you thought he could be. You can still find that.... just not in him.

In the end, you have to do what feels right to you. So, if you want to get back with him, I can't stop you. Hell, if you do decide that, then I hope it actually works out this time. Nothing would make me happier than to be proven wrong in this case. It's just, it is unlikely he will ever change. So, most likely, accepting him back yet again will just result in the same hurt. And it will happen again and again and again until you finally care enough about yourself to realize you deserve better.

And you DO deserve better. So, please stop settling for somebody who only brings you pain... and seems perfectly content to keep knowingly bringing you pain.