How to help my ex-girlfriend through a rough time in her life....

[Legliss]

Hey all, new person here. A few months before we met, my girlfriend of 10 months was date raped at a party-by one of the people in her ROTC unit drugged her and had sex with her. She ended up getting pregnant and to spare the possible criticism and possible boot from the Navy unit which could have jeopardized her career and scholarship, she got an abortion and never informed the unit or authorities that she was raped. And the doctors office in turn gave her pills that have now affected her reproductive system which makes it extremely difficult for her to get pregnant again, as she feels she doesn't deserve to conceive. And the scumbag who did it to her still has no idea. Since then, she's always had to force herself into being intimate and affectionate and she hasn't ever gotten over what happened to her because she had always hoped she could forget about it, and never had time to herself to cope, but now its a lot worse and she told me what had happened, but never told me her true honest feelings until the other night. She said its gotten to the point that she hates herself for what has happened and that she's been so unhappy that she's taken it out on our relationship and it's made me unhappy in turn. So pretty much she felt that us breaking up was necessary for her to more or less find herself and find her happiness. We have talked some since then, and she finally admitted she needs help and will seek professional counseling. And I want to be there for her as much as I can for a friend, but there is still that part of me that knows me and her can work, maybe not right now, but one day. I think she wants the same but right now is conflicted and the last thing I want to do is force her into anything. I'm willing to be patient but I'm still not going to put my life on hold as I'm still going to continue to live my life as far as my career advances go. I know not to overstep any boundaries and to keep it just strictly a friendship, but is there anyone that can give me some advice and help me out here? Thank you.

[TablesandChairs]

The abortion pill has no real baring on future fertility - she might have delayed ovulation for some time as her cycle might be messed up but it's not permanent. Strange that a doctor would tell her this. I have a medical background and unless there was untreated post-abortion infection, the impact on future pregnancy should be close to zero. The only instances of infertility I've heard of (resultant from abortion) is when these abortions were performed illegally, by unskilled people where there's been trauma to the cervix/uterus (scarring) but even that can be fixed surgically.

In other words, she more or less has nothing to worry about. She's had a post-rape abortion and no one but a moron could judge her for that.

As for the rape - she will have to discuss this with a trained mental health professional who can help her make sense of things; she might not be able to get closure until she reports the scum bag. The downside of this is that rape is hard to prove, especially once a significant period of time has passed. In your shoes, I'd just listen, be supportive and ensure she knows she has someone to turn to whenever she needs. Otherwise, you're right - you need to proceed with your life and see how things pan out.

[andytownsend]

This may have been one of the most heartbreaking dilemma I've read on a forum so far. I'm very sorry to hear this.
In my own opinion, the first step would be to make sure that the b*stard won't get off the hook. She needs to report them to the authorities, take necessary actions, etc. This may be very hard but this will be the closure for her, to make sure that those who wronged her are punished and that they won't be able to do this to other people. Second, she needs to seek professional help. And I would like to just say that you're such a good person for sticking up with her. Goodluck and we'd love to hear updates.

[Legliss]

Update: Me and her talked the other night. I told her that I still want us to get back together, but I want to help her get through this process as much as she will let me. She told me she was afraid I was going to shut her out of my life completely and I told her I couldn't do that to someone, and I care way too much about her to do that. She started to open up about her feelings about what all had happened (she had told me previously she was date raped and what happened but never how she felt) and she started to cry about it. She said she feels like she has lost her humanity and she feels guilty for letting that affect her and I. She then said she also feels guilty, because she loves me, but feels like she used me as a coping mechanism. But most importantly she said she will start looking into counselling through her school.I told her I was happy she was moving in that direction, and that I'll be there for her as much as she'll let me and that I think me and her could still work when she's ready because I might not completely understand but I now know the full gravity of why she was unhappy and why she was taking her unhappiness out on me, which in turn I didn't quite understand and was unhappy in return. Since we talked there hasn't been much communication since then (side note, we live together so it has been harder) and I understand that she needs her space, but a part of me is scared that she will shut me out completely. And that will hurt a lot more than what it already does. We briefly talked about grabbing coffee this weekend, we will see. It hurts like hell going through this and it's embarrassing to say, but there has already been plenty of tears shed over this. But thanks for everyone viewing this and thanks to my two responses thus far, it's helped. I've now started reading articles on these situations so I can try and help her to the best of my abilities. Thanks all.

[surfhb]

I think you need to fall back a little and let her open up to you. If she feels she needs a break just tell her you're ok with that and you'll be there for her. Do not force this relationship because you're heartbroken!!

You need to go on with your life...she needs to get help and hopefully things will work out.