9 Years... Should I leave?!

[DownWithLove]

My boyfiend and I have been together for 9 years and have lived together for 6. Up until 10 months ago we were very happy, since then things have completely changed.

In January we new we needed to close down our business because it wasn't going to make it. He had a great job offer 1 1/2 hours away. It's not the best place to live, but it paid really well. He took it, started immediately, and we planned on buying a house and moving there as soon as my children were out of school for the year. Nothing about that plan has worked out though.

We haven't been able to sell the house (he said we didn't need to before buying when we discussed it, but apparently we do) and we will now need to live apart another 6 months.

The problems:

1. He hasn't seemed to distressed about only seeing each other 4-8 days a month.
2. He treats me like I am silly for not liking this situation.
3. He has agreed to travel for work 3 months out of the year, a week at a time, when I have always said I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is out of town a lot (we saw other couples try to do it). He volunteered to travel for work and didn't tell me until after he started the job. Before he started the job he told me we would have weekends together.
4. When he is home he sleeps. We haven't been on a date in months. I got tired of being the only one asking to go out.
5. I told him in April that I was sad and that a little more attention would help. I told him I thought emails, sending flowers, surpise visits, etc. would really make me feel good if he would do that. It would help fill the void of his absence. He hasn't tried it once. He gets annoyed when I ask him to or tells me he knows he should do something, but he doesn't.
6. I wanted him to figure out marriage. After all, I'm moving to a place that isn't exactly lovely or good for my career, just to be with him. First, he said he didn't think he was ready for marriage. I told him I wouldn't move for that. He later told me he would marry me, but just needed to get used to the idea of "not thinking of himself as single". I have asked about marriage for years. He used to say that we would get married "one day".
7. When I talk to him about how I feel he tells me he'll try harder, but doesn't end up trying at all. Last night, he told me he was trying. I asked how. He told me that he is trying when he calls. I get called 2-3 times a week and he says he's just "checking in". It's not exactly sweet, loving or fulfilling. I feel insulted that he considers calling me as trying.
9. He doesn't/won't talk about our future. When I ask him what he wants in life, he says that he's flexible, or just wants to be happy. He says he wants us to stay together and wants us to move to where he is working when we can.
8. I am very resentful and angry. I have been for about 3 months. I am blameful and sad with him every 10 days, on average. I don't feel like my needs or feelings matter to him. He listens but is unresponsive. He never brings up the subject of our relationship up. Never. If I look upset or talk to him calmy, he ignores me.
9. He says I should try to make things good between us, but I'm tired of trying. I feel like I am humiliating myself when I try with him when he hasn't tried, at least not in the ways that I need and ask him for. I've asked for some very simple things and he always drops the ball. He says he doesn't feel like doing things for me because I'm always so angry. He didn't do them before I became like this thought. That is why I am this way. I have tried in the past 3 months to be sweet and loving for weeks at a time. We have more sex, but that is the only thing different in his behavior when I hide my feelings. I've read books about how to treat your man well and have tried them. It doesn't seem to do anything.
10. In August he agreed to go see a counselor to figure out why he was afraid of marriage. He went once. He was annoyed when I asked him every weekend if he had made another appointment or when I was upset when he missed the second appointment he finally made. Two months after his first appointment, he told me that he didn't need to see a counselor because he had figured it out on his own. He said he didn't think a counselor would help.
11. He says "I love you" once in a while. That is the extent of our "love talk" now. I feel like his lack of saying anything is a sign that he doesn't want to commit to doing anything and he is not being open and honest.
12. He has never been good at birthdays even though he knows that matter a lot to me. I have tried to lead by example by making a big deal out of his B-Days. Now, I just do very little, which isn't want I want at all. Valentines day, anniversary's, etc. is not something he celebrates.

The good stuff:
1. We had a wonderful relationship, shared goals, worked together... Really loved each other and enjoyed each other's company for years. We spent most of our time, happily, with each other for the past 6 years. There has been some ups and downs, but nothing like this.
2. He is faithful.
3. He SAYS he wants us to stay together when I ask him.
4. He doesn't argue or get angry (he avoids talking about serious thing, so it is a positive and a negative).

WHAT DO I DO? Do I just get out of here as fast as I can. Will he ever be able to fulfill my needs? Why don't I matter more to him? This is so messed up. Please, advise would be comforting right now. I can't seem to give myself good relationship advice right now and I know being on the fence about things is the worst thing I can do to our relationship. We can't stay like this.

Thanks!

[Rach]

My boyfiend and I have been together for 9 years and have lived together for 6. Up until 10 months ago we were very happy, since then things have completely changed.


6. I wanted him to figure out marriage. After all, I'm moving to a place that isn't exactly lovely or good for my career, just to be with him. First, he said he didn't think he was ready for marriage. I told him I wouldn't move for that. He later told me he would marry me, but just needed to get used to the idea of "not thinking of himself as single". I have asked about marriage for years. He used to say that we would get married "one day".

Very sad story, It could be that he's just being a typical guy afraid to finally take the plunge and commit himself fully to you in marriage. BUT what's with the he's afraid of not being single anymore? He has clearly not been single, being commited to you on a girlfriend/boyfriend level for quite sometime now.

Anyway, as for what to do, no one on here can TELL you what to do. We can only suggest what we would do in this situation.

BUT you have to talk to HIM about what and how you feel, let him know you're not happy with the way things are right now. Tell him you may consider walking if things don't shape up. You just really have to follow your heart! If you truely love this man 'til death do us part', work it out with him.
But remember you do have to give a little to get a little. Maybe he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and you're just being a nag? The best thing to do is when you see him next, tell him you''re sad and unhappy...see how he reacts (facial expressions and body movements), and then ask how he feels. It's so much better to do this in person so he's on the spot right in front of you, and you can see how he acts, and maybe see if he's lying or genuinly honest.

Hope this was good advice! And good luck with everything!

[DownWithLove]

I know my post was long. :-) Thank you for your reply. I have been trying those things to no avail. He hates conflict (not just arguing, he hates talking about anything that might be touchy). Even our best discussions haven't changed anything. It's like we talk and then he forgets everything that was said. Nothing changes. When I say how I feel he feels attacked.

"7. When I talk to him about how I feel he tells me he'll try harder, but doesn't end up trying at all. Last night, he told me he was trying. I asked how. He told me that he is trying when he calls. I get called 2-3 times a week and he says he's just "checking in". It's not exactly sweet, loving or fulfilling. I feel insulted that he considers calling me as trying.
9. He doesn't/won't talk about our future. When I ask him what he wants in life, he says that he's flexible, or just wants to be happy. He says he wants us to stay together and wants us to move to where he is working when we can.
8. I am very resentful and angry. I have been for about 3 months. I am blameful and sad with him every 10 days, on average. I don't feel like my needs or feelings matter to him. He listens but is unresponsive. He never brings up the subject of our relationship up. Never. If I look upset or talk to him calmy, he ignores me.
9. He says I should try to make things good between us, but I'm tired of trying. I feel like I am humiliating myself when I try with him when he hasn't tried, at least not in the ways that I need and ask him for. I've asked for some very simple things and he always drops the ball. He says he doesn't feel like doing things for me because I'm always so angry. He didn't do them before I became like this thought. That is why I am this way. I have tried in the past 3 months to be sweet and loving for weeks at a time. We have more sex, but that is the only thing different in his behavior when I hide my feelings. I've read books about how to treat your man well and have tried them. It doesn't seem to do anything."

[sleepy]

i read your post a few times; it's a sad story, though admirably well-organized. i think in your position i would be at the "arrghhhhhhh!" stage.

it seems to me you are getting yourself ready to go. this list is your way of packing up. and it does seem like time for you to make that decision, frankly.

sometimes it just does not work out. two things make me think this relationship is at the end: he is not willing to validate your concerns, and you are getting angry.

if you do decide to work it out - check out marriagebuilders.com - they have a lot of good advice on how to make a long-term relationship work, and work well.

one of the things they say is that people don't often seek help until it is almost too late, and i felt that in your post.

you've already left, emotionally, imo. now your just deciding when your body will leave.

[sfalexi]

I would try couple counseling first. Instead of you complaining to us and him not realizing how serious it is (or that these complaints exist AT ALL), go together to a counselor. You can speak your mind, he can speak his, you'll BOTH hear each other's side of the story (instead of him not knowing everything you've written here for example), and it'll be taken very seriously.

Also, they are pros. They can hopefully come up with suggestions better than a 22 year old from Jersey, a 19 year old from Connecticut, a 30 year old from Texas, or whoever else hangs out on this BBoard. They are TRAINED for shit like this.

Rod Steele

[Pulchritudinous]

The counselor sounds like a good suggestion. If you try everything else, and still are having problems, I have a solution which has helped couples I've met through my travels. PM me if it comes to that and I'd be glad to share it with you.

~P

[Laguna]

I think the best idea would be to discuss it with him and tell him exactly what you put. Might as well just print out your post and send/give it to him. If he really loves you, he will change all the negatives to positives. This is a great time for you to learn just how "strong" your relationship is.

[DownWithLove]

Alright, I am going to print out what I wrote and have him read it. I feel like I have said all of this ad nauseum to him, but maybe I haven't been clear. We shall see. If anyone has any objections to giving my words, like they are above, to him SAY SO. I plan on giving it to him this weekend, after Thanksgiving.

BTW, thank you all for posting. It has been very comforting to me. We don't air our dirty laundry much and this forum has been a great outlet for support. I am so glad I posted here and your comments mean so much. I definitely feel better because of them. I will keep you all updated and I welcome more feedback. Thank you!

[Laguna]

I'm glad I helped, hopefully when I have a problem, you will be able to help. Glad I could help. I hope everything works out for you.

[demode1204]

I would also recomend seeking help from a couples profesional, Especially if theirs children involved. Its not worth throwing something like this away especially for the amount of time you guys have been together. Now if he becomes hard headed and refuses to see a profesional and doesnt change after all your serious talks then you might want to consider leaving him. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work and your situation has a happy ending.

[barbie2932]

My boyfriend of 10 going on 11 years has asked me for a break. In the begining, about two months ago when he asked, it was all about getting closer to his 14 year old daughter. He divorced her mom when she was 4 to be with me. She's been having problems in school for the first time, she's always been an A student. This year she started high school and when he went to parent teacher conferences, he found out she was failing 3 subjects. When he came home that night, he was visibly upset. Until this time we were having no major problems. I made the stupid mistake of saying that maybe he needed to move closer to her. Since we have been together, he has lived with me which is over an hour away from her. Well needless to say, a few days later, he tells me that he is going to move closer to her, even though this would mean going further from his work. He would now have almost an hour drive compared to the half hour he has now. So it's been two weeks since he's been gone, and it's almost two months since he first decided this was the course of action he should take. We have agreed that nothing will change between us and we will move back together again, once he has things straightened out with her.
He spent the night last night, first time since he left two weeks ago, and this morning, I asked him if this was all about being near his daughter, or if it has anything to do with us. Well he let loose and told me yeah, it did have something to do with us, it had something to do with all the mean things I have said about his daughter and family over the past ten years and he just can't forget them.........so........my questiion to you is, "Is he dumping me for his daughter or do you think there is someone else?" I have begged him to tell me if things are over between us, telling him that I deserved to know, and he insists that things will be okay and that I should stop being so paranoid.
We spent this day together at my familly's for Thanksgiving dinner. I asked him when he left two weeks ago if he would spend this day with my family and he agreed. I know he loves my family and enjoys hanging with them.
Another thing......our sex life has kinda been on hold for the past few years. We have been intimate, but not nearly as much as I think we should. We are affectionate in bed, and went to sleep in each other arms every night, and we did again last night when he was here...he says that he likes spooning just as much if not more than sex....is that possible?? What do I do, shall I hang in there for the long haul, hoping that this is temporary and we will get back together, or should I give up now and avoid unecessary hurt? We have been living in my house for the past ten years and he has made considerable improvements to the house. He would loose out on this if he never comes back. We have always talked about our future together, when and where we will retire. He is 9 years my junior. And we are talking about taking a romantic vacation together in February or March when his project is completed at work, He's been traveling for the past year with the project, getting things ready at three sites within his company for the big start up in January. I'm lost without him and I can hardly function at home and at work. I don't want to lose him, I know he has been the best thing that has happened to me in my life. And he has told me the same thing. Three months ago, when he was on the road, he sent me emails confirming his love for me. Telling me he could not wait to get home to see me. Now, he's gone and we will only see each other occasionally. Probably at least once a week...








1. He hasn't seemed to distressed about only seeing each other 4-8 days a month.
2. He treats me like I am silly for not liking this situation.
3. He has agreed to travel for work 3 months out of the year, a week at a time, when I have always said I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is out of town a lot (we saw other couples try to do it). He volunteered to travel for work and didn't tell me until after he started the job. Before he started the job he told me we would have weekends together.
4. When he is home he sleeps. We haven't been on a date in months. I got tired of being the only one asking to go out.
5. I told him in April that I was sad and that a little more attention would help. I told him I thought emails, sending flowers, surpise visits, etc. would really make me feel good if he would do that. It would help fill the void of his absence. He hasn't tried it once. He gets annoyed when I ask him to or tells me he knows he should do something, but he doesn't.
6. I wanted him to figure out marriage. After all, I'm moving to a place that isn't exactly lovely or good for my career, just to be with him. First, he said he didn't think he was ready for marriage. I told him I wouldn't move for that. He later told me he would marry me, but just needed to get used to the idea of "not thinking of himself as single". I have asked about marriage for years. He used to say that we would get married "one day".
7. When I talk to him about how I feel he tells me he'll try harder, but doesn't end up trying at all. Last night, he told me he was trying. I asked how. He told me that he is trying when he calls. I get called 2-3 times a week and he says he's just "checking in". It's not exactly sweet, loving or fulfilling. I feel insulted that he considers calling me as trying.
9. He doesn't/won't talk about our future. When I ask him what he wants in life, he says that he's flexible, or just wants to be happy. He says he wants us to stay together and wants us to move to where he is working when we can.
8. I am very resentful and angry. I have been for about 3 months. I am blameful and sad with him every 10 days, on average. I don't feel like my needs or feelings matter to him. He listens but is unresponsive. He never brings up the subject of our relationship up. Never. If I look upset or talk to him calmy, he ignores me.
9. He says I should try to make things good between us, but I'm tired of trying. I feel like I am humiliating myself when I try with him when he hasn't tried, at least not in the ways that I need and ask him for. I've asked for some very simple things and he always drops the ball. He says he doesn't feel like doing things for me because I'm always so angry. He didn't do them before I became like this thought. That is why I am this way. I have tried in the past 3 months to be sweet and loving for weeks at a time. We have more sex, but that is the only thing different in his behavior when I hide my feelings. I've read books about how to treat your man well and have tried them. It doesn't seem to do anything.
10. In August he agreed to go see a counselor to figure out why he was afraid of marriage. He went once. He was annoyed when I asked him every weekend if he had made another appointment or when I was upset when he missed the second appointment he finally made. Two months after his first appointment, he told me that he didn't need to see a counselor because he had figured it out on his own. He said he didn't think a counselor would help.
11. He says "I love you" once in a while. That is the extent of our "love talk" now. I feel like his lack of saying anything is a sign that he doesn't want to commit to doing anything and he is not being open and honest.
12. He has never been good at birthdays even though he knows that matter a lot to me. I have tried to lead by example by making a big deal out of his B-Days. Now, I just do very little, which isn't want I want at all. Valentines day, anniversary's, etc. is not something he celebrates.

The good stuff:
1. We had a wonderful relationship, shared goals, worked together... Really loved each other and enjoyed each other's company for years. We spent most of our time, happily, with each other for the past 6 years. There has been some ups and downs, but nothing like this.
2. He is faithful.
3. He SAYS he wants us to stay together when I ask him.
4. He doesn't argue or get angry (he avoids talking about serious thing, so it is a positive and a negative).

WHAT DO I DO? Do I just get out of here as fast as I can. Will he ever be able to fulfill my needs? Why don't I matter more to him? This is so messed up. Please, advise would be comforting right now. I can't seem to give myself good relationship advice right now and I know being on the fence about things is the worst thing I can do to our relationship. We can't stay like this.

Thanks![/QUOTE]

[Laguna]

Barbie would you mind making a new thread instead? Thanks...

[Colleen]

Okay, I'm gonna be the renegade here and say counseling is bogus in this situation. BOTH have to want to make an effort for counseling to work. Otherwise it is just prolonging the inevitable, or a cushion for folks who don't really want to make ANY adjustments but don't mind looking like a good guy for trying.

My very best advice to you would be RE-READ your post. This is someone you aren't even married to yet. Do you think he will improve with marriage? Girl, marriage for most is a Lottery Ticket to Apathy. DO NOT sell your soul to some jerk off who doesn't even acknowledge your birthday half the time! GRRRRRR! I am the same as you - I make a really big deal out of holidays and birthdays because the people I love are worth it. But if I don't get even a smattering in return? Then they can hit the road!

I'm serious! Clueless, apathetic boyfriends make clueless, apathetic, fat, lazy, obnoxious husbands. Have a baby by them and you are stuck like glue for life! Trust me, dating is a heck of a lot more fun!

Colleen

[turbomx3]

From a guy to a girl I semi agree with Colleen if he's like that now why marry him? will he miraculously get better or worse? In your heart you already know that answer! But I think you should speak to some kinda specialist! Being single is ok but sometimes so is being with a decent partner (decent)! whether you choose single or to stay good luck hun!

[FIFA04]

OK here's my 2 cents. I'm a guy and I have to agree with Colleen. ( She actually offered good advice in my post. Thanks Colleen!) I'm going thru a situation were my GF kicked me out after a 4 year live-in relationship. I'm sorry to tell you but I think if you live together as GF and BF FIRST, your chances of getting married are slim to none. I hate to think this way because I'm still in love with my X, but I think living together without the commitment of marriage is like leasing a brand new shiney car. You can ride it and feel good about it in the begginning, but after a few years you know you dont own it and can trade it in for another brand new shiney car. If you actually owned the car, you would take bettter care of it and change the oil, keep up maintenance etc... I hate to campare relationships to automobiles but I think it explaines my point .

I think your BF knows you well and the "shiney new car phase" is over. I think if you want him to make the move and take you seriously, you have to break it off with him. No contact at all, no matter how painful it is. If he loves you he will make the commitment to marry. If not, he will go on his way and you'll have the piece of mind knowing he's not the one for you. Just my 2 cents.