Girlfriend is talking and hanging with her ex. What should I do?

[Ouchers]

Lately my girlfriend has been talking to her ex a lot. He phones frequently at late times, and has showed up at her work a few times with coffee. This guy used to abuse her and has even raped her. I'm not usually a "clingy" guy but this is bothering me quite a bit. I have no clue why she is even talking to this creep... What should I do? I don't want to bring it up and come off as a clingy needy guy. We've been together for a few months and I really care about her.

[ktm390]

either kick his ass or dump her or get over it. or do all three or a combination!

[IncognitoSir]

I don't know the medical term for it, but she's still interested in him for whatever reason. Why you'd want anything to do with someone who beat you and raped you I will never know. Talk to her about it if you really care about her, if nothing changes, get out while you can!

[doppelgaenger]

I don't know the medical term for it, but she's still interested in him for whatever reason. Why you'd want anything to do with someone who beat you and raped you I will never know. Talk to her about it if you really care about her, if nothing changes, get out while you can!

I think you mean "fücking retarded."

You need to just bury this hooker and be done with her. Don't deal with that kind of bullshit! Tell her to have fun getting assraped some more.

[xxazurexx]

Why you'd want anything to do with someone who beat you and raped you I will never know. !

Op also wants to be asking himself, why he would be attracted and want to remain with a woman who is drawn to men who have beaten and raped her.

[Ouchers]

I can't help that I fell in love with her. She told me these things later on in the relationship. I just feel like it's a wrong to tell her what to do...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You've only been together a few months, so you shouldn't have a problem cutting the cord on her if need be. Tell her that their contact is inappropriate and you don't want to be a clingy/controlling boyfriend, always wondering what's going on, so you're breaking up with her because of it. Tell her you'll consider getting back together if she ends all contact with him, but not to contact you anymore otherwise. She will most likely want to stay with you, so just have her delete him from everything(phone, FB, all that shit), in front of you. If she lets you go, well, she was his to begin with.

[doppelgaenger]

Jeeze man, grow a pair and learn to make a decision for yourself. Don't put up with that shit! Break up with her! No reconciliation for retarded bitches.

[ashley89]

I don't know the medical term for it, but she's still interested in him for whatever reason. Why you'd want anything to do with someone who beat you and raped you I will never know. Talk to her about it if you really care about her, if nothing changes, get out while you can!

isn't it that thing where the person who is raped or abused falls in love with the person who abused them? I forget the name but I remember learning about that in psych class. If that's even the thing you were talking about!

but yeah, talk to her about it, tell her you don't feel comfortable with her talking to and hanging out with her ex. there's really no reason for her to keep in contact with him like that. and if she refuses or keeps doing so, end it and move along it sucks but at least you've only been together for a few months, it's not like you got too deeply involved, better now than later

[doppelgaenger]

isn't it that thing where the person who is raped or abused falls in love with the person who abused them? I forget the name but I remember learning about that in psych class. If that's even the thing you were talking about!

I think you mean "fücking retarded."

_____________

[Ouchers]

I told her that I wanted her to cut contact and she did. She said that she only talked to him because he is a pest and bugs her 24/7 if she doesn't reply to his phone calls and stuff. I guess I'll just see now...

[SelflessnHumble]

Lately my girlfriend has been talking to her ex a lot. He phones frequently at late times, and has showed up at her work a few times with coffee. This guy used to abuse her and has even raped her. I'm not usually a "clingy" guy but this is bothering me quite a bit. I have no clue why she is even talking to this creep... What should I do? I don't want to bring it up and come off as a clingy needy guy. We've been together for a few months and I really care about her.

Let's play a game of "Do The Math..."

He has either verbally, mentally and/or physically abused her +
He has physically raped her, forcing her to have sex when she did NOT want or chose to +

Now, SHE: has allowed him into her life: her workplace and he even brings her coffee....
He doesn't call her, k? SHE allows him into her life and even takes his phone calls no matter how late they may be...

Now, if you had a younger brother who was in the SAME situation....what would you do?

Do the Math....

The conclusion:
SHE has the right to see whomever she pleases (even IF these people formerly abused them)
You have the right to feel as you do about the entire situation....

However: YOU have already failed to openly communicate to her how this makes you feel, so she already feels like it's NOT an issue.
So, you passively sit there in the background and smile and wave, while you internalize this issue...Not good.

You need to sit her down, and then you need to paint her a picture (similar to the way I did in the first few lines of this post)

First you indirectly bring up his name and say:

You: "So, Mark brought you coffee today, huh?
Her: Yeah, he's so nice...
You: Look (her name) I love and care about you, but I'm having difficulty understanding one aspect concerning our relationship and I'd really appreciate it if I could talk to you about it?
Her: Yeah, what is it, honey?
You: It's about your ex. I can appreciate you two were once a couple and I don't have an issue with that. My issue is with a couple things:

1st is: he calls you at inappropriate hours of the night, he comes to your work.
2nd, he has hurt you in so many ways and this is where my difficulties begin to show because I don't understand how you could allow someone
into your life when (a) you and I have such a great relationship and (b) I don't understand WHY you need him in your life as a friend considering what he has done to you?

Can you explain that to me, please?

(Then I would be quiet, don't argue, don't control nor expect her answers) just listen to her.
Then respect whatever she has to say to you....

Then depending on what she says: you need to make a decision: do you stay with a woman who WANTS ties to an ex abuser?
OR do you want a woman with a clean slate, has no baggage and who gives YOU the fair opportunity to make her happy without an abusive ex's interferences?

Your call. A few months is nothing, dude...This is a foreshadowing trait which is usually a sign of MORE to come...
If she invalidates your feelings and uses the old, "You're just jealous" defensive bullshit then it's clear she doesn't want to actually address your valid concerns:
In which case: dump her and move on.