The one you love VS. The one who would treat you best

[Marlo]

I posted a few months ago, but I still need advise.

I am currently dating my b/f of 2 years. We lived together for 1 1/2 years and I moved out in October. Currently we are living 45 mins apart. I DO NOT want to live where he lives (the area).

We had problems, He cheated, I forgave him. We split up for a few weeks in Oct. because we weren't happy. We decided to try it again, and I found out that he tried to cheat on me again (unsuccessful) and he admitted it, but I found out in Dec, but it happened in July.

Then I found out that he was at a party while I was working and didn't tell me about it. But this also happened over the summer, I just found out.

I do really love this guy, and since we tried it again in Oct, we have been very happy (except when I found those things out).

I thought that he was the one before all of this happened, and now the thought of marrying him is scary.

He is not good at all with money, and works minimumly, about 6 months, and then it's only here and there (he's a lobster fisherman). He makes alright $ (not great) but should be able to get by on it.

He is in debt. He owes for his second hand truck. $4700. The guy he got it from LET HIM HAVE IT in the summer as long as he was paid by the end of Lobstering (May), and he hasn't even saved a penny for it. He also has a $5000 loan for his ex g/f's car. He owes around $10,000 for a truck that he no longer has, and a sea-doo that be bought which is now broke but he hasn't fixed it in over a year.

He is living in his great grandmother's house with the agreement that his grandparents gave him their half, and he was to pay his great uncle for the other half ($30,000). He didn't. So his grandparents paid them for the other half and asked my b/f to pay them back (this way he wouldn't have to pay interest). That happened almost 1-1/2 years ago and he hasn't paid them a cent.

He has no ambition to do anything unless it is something "fun". Nothing gets done around the house.....nothing. We have had a hole in our bathroom floor from where we got pipes changed for almost 2 years. The outside door on the front of the house broke, and the inside doors is extremely drafty. (We live in Canada....IT's cold in ther winter, so we had to shut down 1/2 of the house in order to heat the place) He bought a new door 1 1/2 year ago, and is yet to put it in. THe pipes in the bathroom is awful and there is always stuff coming up the tub, but he won't fix it, ot get anyone to fix it. He ripped the doorstep off the front of the house over a year ago, and still hasn't even attempted to replace it (I even asked for a doorstep for my b-day present and never got it). When something gets done to the house I do it. I ripped down jiprock & insulated the upstairs, I've painted the whole interior of the house, and he sometimes helps, but usually just sleeps on the coach. So because I don't know how to jiprock, the whole upstairs isn't jiprocked, because he never does it.

If it involes hunting, fishing, or anything else pleasurable then he quickly does it. He splurged and bought a Ferret with a huge cage and accessories, and it came to about $600.00, but yet he can't even pay his phone bill.

I"m frustrated to say the least. I really love this guy. He is very fun and we can get along wonderfully. I love his family. They are like my own. I am completely willing to split the bills with him when we live together, but he either won't give them to me, or lies that he alraedy paid them.

Like I said, I love this guy SOOO much. He is so caring and genuine (when he's with me). But how much more can one put up with?

Then there is another guy. He is "in love" with me. He's a guy I've known for years. He's not a "player" or anything like that. In fact he's very shy and never had a serious g/f because of that. He is a very hardworker, he is VERY sensible with his $, but not stinjy. He wants to settle down with someone (me) and get married (eventually). That is exactly what I want too. He is getting ready to build a house, exactly where I want to live (which is where I grew up). He is not in debt. He has been in our "group" of friends for years. He is very sensible, and I know for sure that he is not the cheating type, so that's something I wouldn't have to worry about. He has been interested in me since my b/f and I split up in Oct., and still is. He isn't trying to get me to cheat or anything like that, but it's known that he wants a relationship with me. He said that he is willing to wait for me for as long as I need. I can't think of anything negative about him. He is everything that I want in a boyfriend. EVERYTHING. IF I wasn't dating my current b/f, I would be with him without a doubt.

But then there's still my current, who I love very very much. I know he cheated, and I have choose to accept that. I'm just getting frustrated of giving him chance after chance, and putting up with his laziness.
I know that I would miss him terribly if I left him. But I'm starting to think that the style of life I would have with him for the long run isn't all that appealing when I look at the style of life I could have with the other guy. (By style of life I'm not referring to money or material things).

I know some will say just be single for awhile, and I know that. I wouldn't jump from one right to the other, I would definatly give it time in between.

What would any of you do in my situation?

[Colleen]

Well, I'm sure you know that your current boyfriend will never change, and as time goes on all those endearing qualities will be overshadowed by his irresponsiblity. Nothing kills love quicker than disappointment and what happens when you are legally dependent on him and he fails you? Well, the good times won't last long. I don't plan to EVER marry again so I date a wide variety of men, one recently that sounded a lot like your BF. As quirky and adorable as he was I got tired of him never having any money for regular dates. At my age (41) I can pay for myself but it's nice to be treated every once in awhile, ya know?

This other guy sounds wonderful but I would take it very slow. Security isn't a sure fire recipe for a happy marriage either. Make sure you feel the same connection, sexually and friendship-wise as you do with current BF. No matter how much this guy loves you, if you don't love him in the same way, it will become a dead marriage, and a lonely one for both of you. I don't know your age, but if you are still in your 20's then don't be in any hurry to hitch up. There are sooooooo many wonderful men out there. Let them all vie for you!

Best of luck.

Colleen

[Marlo]

Thanks for the reply.

[Fawn]

I completely agree with Colleen. She has the right idea.

In my opinion, you should get far away from your current bf. You may love him, but there is no future with him. You'll keep trying to ignore things until he gets YOU into a ton of debt. He's already shown that he doesn't care by cheating. He does not deserve you. There is so much more out there. Its time to live your life and stop being pulled down by someone that can't even take care of himself.

[III Angie III]

MARLO: Do you have the words "BEYOND STUPID" printed on your forehead?
Never allow a guy to mistreat you in the manner in which you're allowing this clown to do.
I know you deserve much better!
You may love this guy yet, it's time that you start loving yourself more. Give the "nice guy type" a chance.

Set out to find a partner who is able to live up to the traits of being a MAN. One who can be faithful and will treat you with respect, and can maintain the role required to be a productive citizen amongst the workforce. YOU DESERVE IT!!!

:::hugs::: "I'm enclosing a touch of courage and strength."

[misombra]

<---slaps her forehead

oh ma gawd! i didn't even get halfway through your post before i decided that this guy is totally freakin worthless! and you can tell him i said that. you're thinking about MARRYING this person, oh no. girl you will be so unhappy and nobody will be able to help you. it would be such a mess that will take you all your life to get out of.

he is totally wasting your time. do you want to waste your life with this person constantly dragging you through the mud?

run away.

[Cybog]

/cry

I will repost something I said when you came here before because of this clown's behavior. Hopefully you hear me loud enough this time:

If you don’t take a stand and stop putting up with this BS in your relationships, guys will be walking over you for the rest of your life.

One of the biggest leading causes of divorce is financial difficulties. It's obvious that this guy couldn’t afford to pay his way out of a telephone booth.

he is totally wasting your time. do you want to waste your life with this person constantly dragging you through the mud?

run away.

As usual, misombra tells it like it is and I agree. I won’t say dump this guy tomorrow, because it's obvious you still have something for him. But I will say this - If things don't change RIGHT NOW, then the downward spiral will keep going faster and faster until your relationship explodes.

[Marlo]

Thanks guys. I know what the smart thing to do it, but it's so difficult when I care do deeply for him.

I tell him all of this, that I don't want to be his doormat, etc, and he swears that he isn't going to do anything to me again. He crys and tells me that since then he is doing everything he can to try and keep us together. Which he probably is, because all of this stuff happened before we broke up in Oct. I don't think that he sees his laziness as a problem, or a factor. I don't even think he thinks that he is lacking ambition.

It's just hard when I am SO in love with this guy, and he claims (and is very convincing) that he loves me too.

How do I successfully leave someone like this? A big part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't want to picture mysefl without him too.

Any suggestions?

[misombra]

ah, what's love got to do with it?

[III Angie III]

How do I successfully leave someone like this?

Say to yourself, "I deserve better!" Then walk out of his life.

He's still in denial therefore, there's no way he's willing to change until he realizes what kind of scumbag he's being.
He will be collecting your social security by then.