Is the butterfly feeling necessary?

[MrAnon2pointOH]

So here's the story:

Ive been best friends with this girl for about 4 years. Weve had the closest most fun relationship ever and everyone had already thought we were dating. We were so close it felt like she was in more of a relationship with me...but she was seeing another guy who was always off at school and only saw her on weekends. I really liked her so I wasnt able to handle everything and being as close. So I stopped talking to her for a week here and there which she hated. Her bf hated me and broke up with her cuz he saw how close we were. Right after that she tried giving things a chance with me for a couple weeks but then wasnt over him so she tried getting back with him but in order to make things work with him she didnt talk to me for three months. She ended up getting sick of trying to make things work with him and wanting me back in her life so she ended things with him. Then to my surprise she came after me like a bat out of hell and wanted things to progress with me.

At first i didnt believe her and tried to keep my distance but then we started getting the butterfly feeling for like a week so that kicked us off. After about a month of "seeing" each other she asked me to be her bf and now we have officially been together for about 2 months now almost. During these 3 months though she has been so back and forth about acting relationshippy and about being comfortable being physical. Shes also really concerned that she absolutely needs the butterfly/excited feeling or she wont be happy and it wont work for her. On the plus side we are super attached to each other and are together all the time and I usually fall asleep with her at her place. She had been ok with the physical stuff for the first half of this but it seems to have dropped significantly with things only happening maybe once a week if that...

Another issue for the last three month is that the ex bf that she had all those feelings with has been still talking to her. She has told me and him that she has no desire to be with him again. She tried being friendly but he still sends her msgs about how much he misses her and that she should be with him and how much he obviously doesnt like me with her. Finally the other night i msged him and told him off because he called her a bitch for backing off from him and then she sent him an email saying she didnt want to try and be friends now because of that.

I do notice however that when they dont talk she does tend to act a little more relationshippy towards me. Although she still says she gets that nervous feeling because its not making her all butterfly like and excited. She does however like me as a bf and said shed be upset if we werent. Other than those things everything else between us is there and we have the greatest most fun relationship ever. All that other stuff is holding her back from the intimate/affectionate/relationship part though. I feel like she needs to not talk to the ex for a while so she can heal from that in order to move on. I know that has to happen on its own and she needs to develop the feelings for me on her own. She also has said that alot of the things we do together or have said to each other relationship wise remind her of her past and it makes it weird for her, like sleeping out in her living room together where they used to sleep for example. She said it might make things easier for her if we were able to sleep at my place...but unfortunately i havent been able to move out of my parents yet. Shes in her late 20's im in my mid 20's.

Im worried that soon she will get frustrated and want to try going back to being just friends...which i wouldnt be able to handle. I told her things like this take time because of how she was used to being with me and everything that had happened. She also compares things to how she felt in the beginning of her other relationships and apparently its not nearly the same.

My question is what should be done about all this so that it works out with her not going back and forth anymore about us/me and has the excited feeling shes been wanting. Sometimes shes ok with acting relationshippy and sometimes she isnt. Most of the time it seems hard for her to adjust to it. I just dont understand because at times she has been able to be physical/intimate/relationshippy with me. Is this something that will just take time and patience since everything else is there? What should she do/not do? What should i do/not do?

[Raze]

Oh come on. Everyone gets the butterfly feeling. =P

[Yggdrasil]

Shes also really concerned that she absolutely needs the butterfly/excited feeling or she wont be happy and it wont work for her.

Although she still says she gets that nervous feeling because its not making her all butterfly like and excited.


My question is what should be done about all this so that it works out with her not going back and forth anymore about us/me and has the excited feeling shes been wanting.

In what screwed up romance novel does she live?

You guys seriously expect these 'butterfly feelings' to last forever? What kind of dream world do you both live in?

That's not love.

[Raze]

In what screwed up romance novel does she live?

You guys seriously expect these 'butterfly feelings' to last forever? What kind of dream world do you both live in?

That's not love.

Ha, to be honest Yggdrasil, I just read the subject question and answered without reading the post. Butterfly feelings usually only last in the initial phases. After that, it doesn't really happen. Take marriages for example, I don't think anyone in a marriage still has the butterfly feeling. Maybe when they first get married (like at the wedding/honeymoon), but I don't know how someone would keep the butterfly feeling going. If you had the butterfly feeling all the time, it would get annoying, don't you think? I don't know how it would be possible to keep the butterfly feeling going.

Sorry for not reading the post, I was just lazy and really have trouble keeping myself amused reading long posts.

[mjd]

A bit of advice, break it off with her completely for a while. No phone calls, texts or seeing each other. After a while get back in touch, and say you want a serious adult relationship.

As she has not seen you for a while, she will not take you for granted and realise what she really wants out of your relationship.

[MrAnon2pointOH]

That happened for three months when she tried getting back with her ex bf, i stopped our friendship in all directions. Then three months later she came at like a bat out of hell and we ended up finally hooking up and going out. For the last few months tho now shes been going back and forth in her mind about us because she still hasnt gotten those butterfly exciting feelings and feels she needs that to stay in a relationship. I wish i knew how to give those to her...any ideas? I think its because we were so close for 4 years without a physical relationship and also because she still needs to get over her last bf.

[Yggdrasil]

That happened for three months when she tried getting back with her ex bf, i stopped our friendship in all directions. Then three months later she came at like a bat out of hell and we ended up finally hooking up and going out. For the last few months tho now shes been going back and forth in her mind about us because she still hasnt gotten those butterfly exciting feelings and feels she needs that to stay in a relationship. I wish i knew how to give those to her...any ideas? I think its because we were so close for 4 years without a physical relationship and also because she still needs to get over her last bf.

Love as a feeling.

Oh, what a feeling. Let's face it, falling in love feels great. So does being in love. Throughout the centuries, poets, writers and singers have all extolled the glories of being in love.

Only problem is that it doesn't last.

Sorry to bring you back to Earth with such a jolt, but let's be honest. The emotional high that we feel just doesn't last on a day-to-day basis.

Remember the phrase "and they lived happily ever after"? Even though this phrase can be found at the end of most fairy tales, our culture seems to have accepted it as fact.

"Well," you might be saying at this point, "aren't we sounding cynical today." Maybe so, but if you'll hang in there with me, it's going to get better really quick.

It's natural and normal for the feeling of love to ebb and flow in a relationship. That's why it's so important to understand that in addition to love as a feeling there are two other kinds of love.

Love as a decision/choice

Love is also a decision and a choice. There are times when we do not feel like loving in any way. In relationships, however, we are called to love even when we don't feel like it (sometimes especially when we don't feel like it).

Authors Gary Smalley and John Trent said:

"Every enduring marriage involves a commitment to an imperfect person."

What this means on a day-to-day basis is this: We may sometimes say to ourselves when thinking about our partner,

"You know, I really don't like you very much today."

Then this needs to be followed by, "and I'm going to love you anyway."

The choice and decision to love, even when we don't feel like it provides the sense of security necessary in a relationship to make it through the inevitable rough waters.

Love as an action

In addition to being a feeling and a choice, love is also a verb.

We can have the feeling of love, we can decide to love, we can understand all that there is to understand about our relationship, but we won't get very far until we take action.

Some couples are very good at describing what is wrong with the relationship and/or the other person. It reminds me of what actor and comedian Lily Tomlin once said:

"I personally believe we developed language because of our deep need to complain."

One of the biggest myths about marriage goes something like this:

"If you really loved me, then you would (know what to do, know what to say, know what I like, etc.)."

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Instead of complaining about our partner's behavior, we can simply ask for (request) what we would like. Sometimes that will be a request to do something. Other times it may be a request not to do something.

It goes something like this:

"I would like you to (fill in the blank)."

Then your partner gets to say either "Yes, I can do that" or "No, I won't do that, because (fill in the blank). What else could I do that would meet that need?"

Where am I going with all this? Simple: she wants to feel 'in love', but is unwilling to make a permanent choice for a partner. Her actions and her decissions clearly indicate that:

I want the butterfly feelings, I am still swaying between my ex and you, I haven't made a final commitment yet.

I've been married for 25+ years and believe me if I tell you: butterfly feelings are bullshit. She's not being realistic. On top of that, she's incredibly immature.

Hey.. it's your life and your choices. Take the advice, or learn the hard way. Either way, I am not the one who will get hurt.

And oh yes.. you can't 'make' her feel that way

[Only-virgins]

Love as a feeling.

Oh, what a feeling. Let's face it, falling in love feels great. So does being in love. Throughout the centuries, poets, writers and singers have all extolled the glories of being in love.

Only problem is that it doesn't last.

Yep, and it is not supposed to. Why does it have to? when did that stupid rule get invented? I am sure famous poets knew more about the meaning of love than today's retarded psychologist who make up whatever they like. Love is just a word and the meaning for it was set long time ago but writers.

[MrNiceGuy]

Love is just a word and the meaning for it was set long time ago but writers.

Bullshit.

Love is a verb. It is ACTION. It is e-motion (energy in motion).

If you don't keep up on it, it dies. It is not only given to you, but something you give.

It is work. Effort.

Worthy of the task.

[Only-virgins]

Bullshit.

Love is a verb. It is ACTION. It is e-motion (energy in motion).

If you don't keep up on it, it dies. It is not only given to you, but something you give.

It is work. Effort.

Worthy of the task.

love
  /lʌv/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
Use love in a Sentence
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

Oh look it is labeled as both noun and verb. Apparently no one can agree on the definition. So I choose number 3 on the list and you can go suck my left nut and go **** yourself. Love is work and effort? I thought love is supposed to be a good thing?

Your posts are the biggest pile of crap I have read in a while. To me love is a chemical reaction in my brain that is mutual between two people. It doesn't last and I don't care.

It is e-motion (energy in motion).

And here I am pretty sure you lost everyone.

[Yggdrasil]

Your posts are the biggest pile of crap I have read in a while.

Now you know why he's on my ignore.

[MrAnon2pointOH]

I think u guys have kind of strayed from helping me....this girl is stuck in the comfort zone in the line of thinking of me as a bestfriend of 4 years...even tho we have now been dating for 2 months...so shes having trouble converting over to the relationshippy stuff...and has trouble being physical with me even tho we already have been here and there and i dont know what to do about that.

[Raze]

Make a move. Invade her personal space. You have to take initiative here. See how she reacts. There's no straightforward answer to this. You just need to experiment a little. Touch her a little, you know?

[MrAnon2pointOH]

she gets uncomfortable

[Raze]

Okay, I don't think she's interested then.