HELP! Girl giving mixed signals. (what else is new)

[heixing]

We've been good friends for three months. On Valentines day I took my chance to take things further. I offered a kiss. She accepted and even kissed me back. Since then our embraces have grown more passionate (long tonguey kisses). However both of us have decided to continue to take things slow.
This girl is not much of a comunicator. I however am. I've had to set aside time to talk things through with her. So she knows exactly how I feel about her, but I still can't get a clear answer from her. She usually smiles in a bashful way and just says "I've got a lot on my mind with school and so forth". Although once she said that she's afraid of things going further because she becomes too emotionally invested and wouldn't be able to concentrate on school (she has to finish her thesis to get into graduate school). The constraints on her time are considerable, and I understand that. I'm not trying to distract her. I simply want to be with her when at all possible. She's always calling me to hang out and keep her company, so it's not like we don't already spend a lot of time together. She seems to like me well enough to want to be around me almost all the time, but not enough to want to be in love with me.

My question is: Is her lack of time really what's bothering her? I can't help but think that if she felt about me the way I felt about her, it wouldn't matter. I mean to say I have no choice in the matter. I like this girl a lot, regardless of how much time I do or don't have. Yet she seems to be able to turn it on and off like a lightswitch.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[clynn]

When does she graduate with her thesis??????????

[Gigabitch]

So she knows exactly how I feel about her...

So, how do you feel about her? Are you madly in love, or do you just want to get busy in the bed? What's the issue?

[heixing]

So, how do you feel about her? Are you madly in love, or do you just want to get busy in the bed? What's the issue?

I'm always reluctant to say I'm in love. However I can say with confidence that I do care about her. And I care quite a lot. And I've told her this in plain english. As I said, we were good friends beforehand, which is why we want to take it slow. I don't have any problem with that. Of course I'd like to get busy in the bed, but not at the expense of what we've developed. What's bothering me is that she is still treating the whole thing in a very half hearted way. One moment she's all about being all over me (and trust me she has to contain her impulses just as much as I do). And the next, it's a quick hug, or a casual chat about what she did at school, how tired she is and she has other things to do and she'll call me later.

Fine she has other things to do, but she could at least say "Damn I wish we had some time together".

And another thing. Most of the time when we are together she's still running around doing one thing or another, and not really giving me any attention. As I said she seems to have trouble comunicating so I have to really try and make it happen. She'll go on about any subject you like, just as long as it isn't "us".

See what I'm saying? If I didn't know better I'd say she suffers from a mild form of aspergers syndrome of emotional introvertedness.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe she has an attachment disorder. I am not being sarcastic.

[heixing]

Maybe she has an attachment disorder. I am not being sarcastic.

I think she might have an attachment disorder. She's said that a previous boyfriend told her something similar. What's weird is that she's very social. She has many friends she hangs out with, though she hates crowds. They make her nervous.

So tell me, what exactly is an attachement disorder, and what should I do about it?

[Gigabitch]

It means she ain't right in the head. Or in the heart, I guess. She can't love like a 'normal' person, maybe because her parents were drunks or taught her some f-ed up lessons about conditional love, maybe she was abandoned, who knows?

Hanging out with a gaggle of people doesn't mean that any of them are actually her friends.

What should you do? Tell her you care, in plain English, about every week or so. Be there for her. Let her know that she's setting the tone of the relationship.

And find someone else to to bed with.

[Tone]

I'd back off. I'd tell her "Okay, I don't want to distract you from school" and let her miss me. When she calls to hangout I'd say I have other plans.. or tell her "Nah I don't want to 'distract' you from school."

Yup. That's what I'd do!

[heixing]

I'd back off. I'd tell her "Okay, I don't want to distract you from school" and let her miss me. When she calls to hangout I'd say I have other plans.. or tell her "Nah I don't want to 'distract' you from school."

Yup. That's what I'd do!

That seems like the immature thing to do. But it is very tempting.

[Tone]

How is that immature?

She's the one playin games.. that's just my way of sayin I'm not into girls that wanna play games.

[heixing]

How is that immature?

She's the one playin games.. that's just my way of sayin I'm not into girls that wanna play games.

Come to think of it though. If I said something like that, I think she'd interpret it as a sign that I was no longer interested in her or that I was trying to taunt her. I don't want her thinking either of these things. I just want her to realize the good thing we have or could have I should say. I get the sense that she's afraid of a relationship, I just don't know why. She called me yesterday after work, from her car (couldn't even wait till she got home) and we talked for a good hour. I mean, COME ON! How can a girl take such an interest in me and still tell me she "doesn't have time to fall in love". She tells me how perfect I am for her and how she can see herself with me for a good long while, and then says "I don't even know where I'll be in eight months". ARGGGGGGHHH

[Prodigal]

Tone's idea is an interesting one, but why recipricate back in 'the game'? I think you should ask her straight up. You should tell her what you told us. This shouldn't be much of a problem since you said you two were good friends before, and you two seem to talk often.

Just ask her if she likes you, if she wants to take it up to the next level, etc. If she gives a bashful smile, then tell her you want more than that. If she says she wants to concentrate on school, ask her if she means that she wants to stay platonic. I'm sorry, but you can't just stop yourself from having feelings for someone (so, the whole 'I'll become too emotionally invested and wouldn't be able to concentrate on school" statement is bullshit to me. If you like someone, you like someone... there's emotional investment if you like someone, period). So, I believe you should talk to her upfront, and not settle for answers that have 'mixed signals' written all over them.

[clynn]

She seems pretty clear to me.

She likes you. But she is in graduate school. For some people, it is really hard to be studying and finishing schoolwork and starting a new relationship at the same time.

And it sounds like she is finishign in 8 months time? And doesn't know what will happen with her life then??? Well, I'd believe her.

I don't know -- it doesn't sound like she is playing with you intentionally. Just that she doesn't know how to balance everything in her that is going on right now.

Take it as it comes, I guess. Unless you can't handle it.

[Tone]

Come to think of it though. If I said something like that, I think she'd interpret it as a sign that I was no longer interested in her...

...Which in turn would make her like you even MORE - it's messed up but that's how the human mind usually works. We want what we can't have.

[Prodigal]

Tone - This may be one of the few times we disagree. While it may be true that this tactic may be used to make someone like you more, none of that matters if you do get into a relationship. It's you that matters. The whole 'you want what you can't have' thing doesn't work once you DO have it. And considering you use that tactic, it means that a lot of the 'wanting' will be gone if they do get together. If someone is actually looking for a meaningful relationship, then I think intentionally abusing this idea of wanting what you can't have is stupid because what is there once you do have it?

I believe that people want others that they CAN get too. I think that these lead to better relationships because they have a better idea of what they are getting into. They have a better idea of why they like the person they are going out with, whether than "Oh, I was able to get what I thought I couldn't have!". If he was looking for some fling or something, then I'd say sure, go ahead. But since that's a pretty ****ed up move in itself, I wouldn't advise it.

It doesn't matter if she plays these games. Why should he play the game too? Because she does it? I don't see any reason why people should participate in these stupid games if someone wants a more meaningful relationship.