How can I save my marriage

[SarahT2]

My husband and I have been together since we were 18 and are now 36 married for 11 years. Things haven't been right for a few months but he insisted he was ok. Today I managed to get out of him that he doesn't love me like a wife any more. He doesn't want to leave as our children are small and no one else is involved. I've suggested we take things a day at a time over the next few weeks to see if things improved. I am still in shock but have made it clear I want to stay together. Help!!!!!!

[Wakeup]

What were his reasons for feeling that he doesn't love you like a wife anymore. What does he feel is lacking? What did he tell you he is he missing from the relationship? Would he consider marriage councelling? When's the last time you two took a vacation together without the children?

More Info Needed.

[SarahT2]

What were his reasons for feeling that he doesn't love you like a wife anymore. What does he feel is lacking? What did he tell you he is he missing from the relationship? Would he consider marriage councelling? When's the last time you two took a vacation together without the children?

More Info Needed.

He just says every day is the same and that his feelings have been like this for a while. We work odd shifts to cover childcare so don't see each other enough. I think he may be depressed. No chance of a holiday I'm afraid. I mentioned counselling earlier but he wasn't keen. I will mention it again.

[Wakeup]

Okay, so what can you do to allivate the shift work so that you're actually a couple and not two ships passing in the night? You need to do something else to cover child care if you want your marriage to succeed. You also need to be romantic with one another and not just co-parents. It sounds like you've totally given up your romantic union and just become two people whose only thing in common is the rearing of your kids.

What can you do that will make you a couple again? What plan of action can be taken that will cover the child care costs so that you can be home to dinner together and in bed together?

[SarahT2]

I need to get a new job that works days really but in the meantime I will talk to my boss to see if I can come home early a few nights a week. Trouble is even when we have been together we tend to just watch tv or play with phones to avoid the issues. He hasn't wanted to talk to me.

[Wakeup]

Then you have to talk to him. Tell him what you want, ask him to help you get to that blissful stage of marriage you were in before your children came along. See if he is willing to do some things that will get you back on track.

You don't want to spend the rest of your lives together not even being a real couple just for the sake of the children and you can't affort do break up if you're working altering shifts because you can't afford daycare. Make a plan of what you would like to see happen, ways that you can make it happen and ask him if he can add to it.

Don't do what you usually do (watch t.v. and ignore one another) do something different. Play a board game together, strip poker, do a jig saw puzzle together, go skating, dancing, have a nice meal together just the two of you. Start treating each other as if you were just dating and getting to know one another again. You can't take one another for granted all the time and expect the spark to still be there.

[SarahT2]

Thank you the shifts were only meant to be temporary but have gone on for two years. I feel tired and lonely most of the time. I will dig out the Monopoly tomorrow and we'll have a good talk. I need to prioritise us not just the bank balance. My brother has offered to babysit so maybe we can get a night out together. I miss my best friend and lover. I'm off to bed now but may be back soon as I probably won't sleep. Many thanks for your kind words.

[Wakeup]

Right-o, Sarah. Night for now.

[michelle23]

Ask your husband does he want to fix this and how high is his desire to reconnect and save your marriage. Until you know for sure that he wants this to work as much as you do then your flogging a dead horse.

People dont just fall out of love. It doesn't work like that so you need to ask why his feelings have changed and what he thinks will make things better. Ask him for suggestions.

Is there anything lacking in your marriage? Affection, intimacy, sex?? I remember hearing once "the bedroom is the best place to start fixing marital problems" and it stuck in the back of my mind..

can you survive on one income for awhile until you can get a part time day job?

There are two people in your marriage and you are both equally responsible for the rut now (just watching tv or playing on phones) and you are both equally responsible for fixing it so do not pile all the blame on yourself and make sure the effort being made now is 50/50

[SarahT2]

Ok five days later and I've been to the doctors and started anti depressants. I don't think I've been myself for some time. I've talked to anyone who will listen. My husband and I have talked ourselves round in circles but the bottom line is that he doesn't love me like he should a wife and doesn't really believe that this will change. We are booked into Relate counselling and he is seeing the Dr tonight. I have arranged to alter my shifts so we can have two evenings together a week. He will stay to see if counselling will make a difference. He also says that he would stay indefinitely for our boys but surely this isn't good for anyone.

Can anyone give me some advice / hope?

[Wakeup]

Well, you're doing everything you can to get things back on track. Hopefully he'll be open and honest in councelling and you'll be able to do things that will get the passion back.

Keep in mind that most anti depressants will screw with your libido so if you're not feeling like you want sex... (either of you if he's on them too) then the meds might have a lot to do with it.

You guys need to have date nights. Get a babysitter and get out and learn how to have fun as a couple again. Even if you can't afford a sitter, then just do date night things together like play board games or turn off the T.v. and have a glass of wine together while you talk about things that have nothing to do with your troubles. You've lost the feeling that you're a romantic couple and you're just existing as someones mother and he someone's father by the sounds of things.

Good luck Sarah, I hope you two can get back on track. Keep us updated.

[woody]

Hey Sarah
sorry to hear your going through this. Sounds like your addressing all you can and taking steps to find a remedy.
Focusing on your self and improving all aspects of how your feeling inside out will be good medicine. Perhaps, by finding you again, once your there, he will begin remembering all the reasons he fell in love with you and with this, a strength will naturally come....

[anastasis]

He just says every day is the same and that his feelings have been like this for a while. We work odd shifts to cover childcare so don't see each other enough. I think he may be depressed. No chance of a holiday I'm afraid. I mentioned counselling earlier but he wasn't keen. I will mention it again.

Don't mention counseling. Don't ever mention counseling if you want to save your marriage. He will run to the hills. In fact, just keep acting as if nothing is wrong. Do NOT try to 'talk' to him. If you show him in any way that you are obsessing or even worried, you're going to lose. You must move and do with complete poise and grace.

Let him have a lot of space. As much space as he needs. Don't avoid him, but don't go out your way to see him either. Dress yourself up. Do your job. Carry on with your days as if you're focussed on your work. Give him enough breathing room to remember why he fell in love with you in the first place, and do not try to save your marriage. If you end up having to try to save your marriage when he's done, you're waisting your time. You have got to make him see you as a sex object and lover again, not the old 'ball and chain'. But don't get all crazy with it either. Yes, that's what I said. I said you have to become the OBJECT OF HIS SEXUAL AND PASSIONATE DESIRE AGAIN! YOU ARE A SEX OBJECT! It's the truth that every whore knows and many wives forget. If you don't believe it, just read the Biblical Song of Solomon again. Sure, they may have been married, but there isn't even one peep about being 'wifely' or any mention of 'children' in that little action packed book. It's all SEX 100% of the time and nothing else. He may still have feelings for you, but you're entering into the wife friend zone. Yes, there really is one. This is why men and women cheat on their spouse. For some reason our retarded society seems to believe that once a man or woman is married to someone they must become their cuddle buddy instead of the object of their passion forever. That's society's ignorance, not a flaw in the parabolic flowering effect of marriage. One of the biggest lies ever pawned off on society is that women are not sex objects. The blazes they aren't! A whore knows it and capitalizes on it. A wife doesn't believe it and loses to a whore who knows the truth. Normalcy bias and overfamiliarity are the deaths of marriages. You have to get exotic and explore new world's together in order to keep growing your garden together. That's why people get the 7 year itch. They never suspected that marriage itself had a rhyme, reason and story line along with it that was meant to be a lifelong tantric initiation into the pathworkings of Love itself. They saw only the surface level of it all, and they soon yawn and look for a 'new experience'. Since they feel that that 'new experience' will be impossible with the old 'ball and chain', they go out bored looking for something else. That's what happened in Eyes Wide Shut. All was well and fine until he learned his wife was the very wacked out exotic sex kitten he had been looking for and didn't even know about.

If he wasn't serious about his vow 'till death do us part', then he never really loved you in the first place. I think that's what the problem is in most marriages today. They never really got married, they just went through a ceremony.

[4 ratties]

Don't mention counseling. Don't ever mention counseling if you want to save your marriage. He will run to the hills. In fact, just keep acting as if nothing is wrong. Do NOT try to 'talk' to him. If you show him in any way that you are obsessing or even worried, you're going to lose. You must move and do with complete poise and grace.

Let him have a lot of space. As much space as he needs. Don't avoid him, but don't go out your way to see him either. Dress yourself up. Do your job. Carry on with your days as if you're focussed on your work. Give him enough breathing room to remember why he fell in love with you in the first place, and do not try to save your marriage. If you end up having to try to save your marriage when he's done, you're waisting your time. You have got to make him see you as a sex object and lover again, not the old 'ball and chain'. But don't get all crazy with it either. Yes, that's what I said. I said you have to become the OBJECT OF HIS SEXUAL AND PASSIONATE DESIRE AGAIN! YOU ARE A SEX OBJECT! It's the truth that every whore knows and many wives forget. If you don't believe it, just read the Biblical Song of Solomon again. Sure, they may have been married, but there isn't even one peep about being 'wifely' or any mention of 'children' in that little action packed book. It's all SEX 100% of the time and nothing else. He may still have feelings for you, but you're entering into the wife friend zone. Yes, there really is one. This is why men and women cheat on their spouse. For some reason our retarded society seems to believe that once a man or woman is married to someone they must become their cuddle buddy instead of the object of their passion forever. That's society's ignorance, not a flaw in the parabolic flowering effect of marriage. One of the biggest lies ever pawned off on society is that women are not sex objects. The blazes they aren't! A whore knows it and capitalizes on it. A wife doesn't believe it and loses to a whore who knows the truth. Normalcy bias and overfamiliarity are the deaths of marriages. You have to get exotic and explore new world's together in order to keep growing your garden together. That's why people get the 7 year itch. They never suspected that marriage itself had a rhyme, reason and story line along with it that was meant to be a lifelong tantric initiation into the pathworkings of Love itself. They saw only the surface level of it all, and they soon yawn and look for a 'new experience'. Since they feel that that 'new experience' will be impossible with the old 'ball and chain', they go out bored looking for something else. That's what happened in Eyes Wide Shut. All was well and fine until he learned his wife was the very wacked out exotic sex kitten he had been looking for and didn't even know about.

If he wasn't serious about his vow 'till death do us part', then he never really loved you in the first place. I think that's what the problem is in most marriages today. They never really got married, they just went through a ceremony.

I'm really interested in knowing where your from and what u look like.