GF dropped bombshell last night

[BrianK]

Hi Everyone,

Quite a long one this, myself and my (ex not sure yet) GF have been living together for 5 years. Last night she dropped a bombshell telling me she met a guy in a club Thursday, and had met up with him sunday when i though she had a girls night out.

I told her that these things can happen (she never slept with the guy) and we should try and work our relationship out, and that it could be a good thing as we can work on the relationship, but she was saying that she still wanted to see the bloke, after talking for a while she said that she is very confused and her parents picked her up last night, i didn't get angry at one point just very upset to the point of being sick. I even helped her out with her clothes and put them in the bag.

We have a mortgage together and have joint accounts etc (was a serious reletionship)

I've txted her to make sure that shes okay - no response which included saying that we need to meet up to discuss

I really feel we can mend this relationship but i worry about her parents we never always saw eye to eye on things

I'm really at a loss on what to do, please if there's anyone with good advise please let me know

Many thanks

Brian

[Ellynn]

Well it sounds to me like shes not sure if she wants a serious relationship with you anymore... I mean especially since shes out there looking and actually went on a date with someone else!

First off, I wanna hear the story with you two... How old are you guys?
You say you have been living together for 5 yrs.....how long have you actually been together? Has marriage been discussed? Maybe she wants that and is trying to get you to commit further by dating this other guy.. I dunno...just a suggestion... Are there any kids?

Have things been rocky between the two of you for awhile? Have you noticed changes? I mean...if your in a solid relationship with someone, its kinda weird for them to suddenly out of the blue wanna date another person..

And um, that kinda sucks you two share a mortgage...and joint accounts without being married. IF you split up someones gonna get screwed....or at least the risk is there. Maybe she was expecting a further commitment like marriage...and when it didn't happen she realized she may never get that from you.....and is now out there looking for someone who does want that...

I seriously would get her to sit down and talk to you and explain why she wants to date other people.....and ask her how she truly feels about you. I mean she at least owes you that.... Maybe then you will begin to understand WHY...

[BrianK]

Hiya thanks for your response, I'm 33 coming up to 34, she is 28 we have been together for 6 yrs all in all.

Yes marriage has been discussed, I wanted to marry before we have children and even was at early stages of planning, i wasn't very keen of having chidren before marriage but I started thinking about having children before marriage wouldn't be to bad in fact about a month before last night

It is literally a bolt in the blue, this sudden change from no where, her reasoning was meeting this guy made her realise how unhappy she was with me, I only wish she told me beforehand and then maybe it would never have happened like this. As now she says because i like this guy i shouldn't be with you. but shes only known him since last thursday

I just want to talk to her away from parents etc etc (because her step mother is very controlling)

Unfortunetly she has not responded to my message on her phone

Thanks

Brian

[blackiesharley]

I just want to talk to her away from parents etc etc (because her step mother is very controlling)

Unfortunetly she has not responded to my message on her phone

Thanks

Brian

My wife of 14 years did the same thing to me a couple of years ago out of the blue so I know how you feel.

My recent relationship has gone down the toilet and I truly believe that 90% of the reason why is that we could never talk privately and without time presures. I swear I think we could have worked it out if it had just been she and I alone without kids screaming, office phone calls, watching the clock etc.

The only advice that I can give you is to talk privately, probably in a netural place away from any outside pressures.

Best of luck....

[BrianK]

My wife of 14 years did the same thing to me a couple of years ago out of the blue so I know how you feel.

My recent relationship has gone down the toilet and I truly believe that 90% of the reason why is that we could never talk privately and without time presures. I swear I think we could have worked it out if it had just been she and I alone without kids screaming, office phone calls, watching the clock etc.

The only advice that I can give you is to talk privately, probably in a netural place away from any outside pressures.

Best of luck....

Thats exactly the same with our relationship we never been really able to deal with our issues privately. Now shes at her parents I fear the worst I really do, I wanted to send her flowers at her work telling her that I still loved her and want to meet up, but so messed up at the moment not sure if thats the best thing to do

[vashti]

Sorry to say, my friend, but you will have a very hard time "competing" with a new man after dating her for so long. However, she may realize she made a mistake after she gets to know the new guy better.

Pity about all the shared assets; I always think that is a bad idea unless you are married...

[blackiesharley]

Thats exactly the same with our relationship we never been really able to deal with our issues privately. Now shes at her parents I fear the worst I really do, I wanted to send her flowers at her work telling her that I still loved her and want to meet up, but so messed up at the moment not sure if thats the best thing to do

We have a lot in common. I want to wait a few days and if their is no contact, send her flowers. Problem is she lives with her Mother and I don't think that's a good idea to send them there (for several reasons) and I could send them to her office but I'm not sure it approiate business-wise.

I guess when in doubt, don't. At least for now.

[BrianK]

Another complecation that has just happened...................she just phoned me and said shes coming over at 5:30 pm (UK) but during the convo she wasn't happy that I spoke to "her" friends and not mine, the complecation is that I moved into her town which is quite far from where i came from and "her" friends have kind of become mine as well to the point that a couple we know I had to cancel them from coming over as she got all angry that I was talking to "her" friends

Interestingly enough "her" friends wanted to talk about it and said that I was there friend as well, some thing that she my (ex?) GF doesn't like.

I have spoken to "my" friends but they are a bit too far away sighes why does life suck right now..............

[Gigabitch]

This is terrible, Brian. My advice: don't make any sudden moves. She's flipping out all over the place (because you were contemplating taking your relationship to the next level?), so let her flip out.

If her step mother is that bad, her company will begin to grate on your gf soon enough. You don't need to intervene.

Vashti often says that women leave relationships emotionally long before they make a move physically, and I think she's right. If your gf is thinking in terms of "her friends, not your friends", she's been contemplating this for quite some time.

The new guy doesn't matter. He could be anyone- he's just serving a purpose for her, which is to draw a line between you and her.

When you say you reconsidered having kids before marriage, I wondered if she got the impression you didn't want to marry her. What do you think?

[blackiesharley]

I have spoken to "my" friends but they are a bit too far away sighes why does life suck right now..............

My (ex?) G/F and I don't have any mutual friends that can help negoticiate a peace settlement.

Maybe it's for the best as that's kinda dangerous anyway. If they were her friends first you can bet they'll take her side, or lure you into thinking they're on your side and then report everything back to her.

Thankfully, I have a best buddy that I can talk to when he's available (Otherwise I come here LOL) He's a true friend in the sense that he tells me exactly what he thinks, NOT what he thinks I want to hear.

I'm physically sick this morning over this, but I cannot contact her yet. Let her (and me) settle down and maybe we'll both see reason.

Probably best to do what I'm doing, giving her space and time. That's the hardest part.

Oh, great.... I just this second got an email. Don't know if it's from her or not but this is her usual time to write. Probably just spam. Scared to open it, I'll wait awhile.

EDITED: Oh my God it IS from her. I'm scared to read it right now. Probably a 'Dear John' or 'go **** yourself' letter.

[BrianK]

My (ex?) G/F and I don't have any mutual friends that can help negoticiate a peace settlement.

Maybe it's for the best as that's kinda dangerous anyway. If they were her friends first you can bet they'll take her side, or lure you into thinking they're on your side and then report everything back to her.

Thankfully, I have a best buddy that I can talk to when he's available (Otherwise I come here LOL) He's a true friend in the sense that he tells me exactly what he thinks, NOT what he thinks I want to hear.

I'm physically sick this morning over this, but I cannot contact her yet. Let her (and me) settle down and maybe we'll both see reason.

Probably best to do what I'm doing, giving her space and time. That's the hardest part.

Oh, great.... I just this second got an email. Don't know if it's from her or not but this is her usual time to write. Probably just spam. Scared to open it, I'll wait awhile.

EDITED: Oh my God it IS from her. I'm scared to read it right now. Probably a 'Dear John' or 'go **** yourself' letter.

Blimey your situation and u feeling sick like me it sounds like we have very very simliar situation, I just contacted my best mate from where I'm from his the same tells me how it is and said if i want I can stay at his for a while if needed a true solid friend 100% there for me, Even though since going with my (ex?) I have not contacted him as much as i would have liked

[BrianK]

Blimey your situation and u feeling sick like me it sounds like we have very very simliar situation, I just contacted my best mate from where I'm from his the same tells me how it is and said if i want I can stay at his for a while if needed a true solid friend 100% there for me, Even though since going with my (ex?) I have not contacted him as much as i would have liked

hope your okay mate proberley best to open the mail as painful as it feels right now

[blackiesharley]

hope your okay mate proberley best to open the mail as painful as it feels right now

I'm giving it a few minutes and will open it. I'll let you know what's up, maybe even post it, why not?

As far as your mate, thank God we have them at times like this. My friend and I were out every night (in our single days) for almost 20 years in Los Angeles. We each got married (he was my best man) and drifted apart. Reconnected recently when his wife of ten years said '**** you it's over' and took half the money (which was substantial) and froze his stock market account pending the out come of the divorce.

He moved to Las Vegas, I moved to the Gulf of Mexico. We're still there for each other though. And always will be.

When your lady comes over tonight, try your best (as hard as I know it will be) not to be too emotional. Don't beg or plead, don't tell her how upset you are or how much you love her. Try and be calm. Now if I can only take my own advice.

Oh, one other thing you might try. I had a similar meeting scheduled with my ex-wife. I took a nap in the afternoon so I'd be fresh, showered, did my hair, dressed up held my shoulders back (hard as it was to do) and acted like nothing happened. It floored her, not what she was expecting. She even said 'Well where have you been?' I just a said out with friends.

Notice how I'm rambling to avoid opening that email?

[BrianK]

When your lady comes over tonight, try your best (as hard as I know it will be) not to be too emotional. Don't beg or plead, don't tell her how upset you are or how much you love her. Try and be calm. Now if I can only take my own advice.

I totally agree but its easier said than done, my stomach is screwed i got a headache and i feel a bit wired from lack of sleep. I must have got like 2 minutes sleep last night (it feels like it)

I'll try my damnist to be calm but feel I will fail miserably

It would be interesting to see what your GF has put maybe i could help you.. then again I'm so messed up I'm not sure...

[BrianK]

I got more news on my screwed up life I wanted to PM you blackiesharley about it as its heavy wierd stuff. but it says I've not posted enough