She (Probably) Does Not Want Kids

[hj2009]

She (Probably) Does Not Want Kids

Background:

I started dating this girl about 14 months ago while still in college (we now both work, and she is also in grad school). The relationship is going amazingly well. We sleep together pretty much every night, and do not fight often. We also have similar values, similar backgrounds, similar interests, etc, which give me hope that the relationship will last.

This is a girl that I can see myself being with for a long time. I am not interested in just dating her for a little while to have fun - I was single for a long time before I met her and had a great time doing that, but I have always seen her as a long-term partner. I told this to her a long time ago and she feels the same way. She is supposed to move in with me in June for the summer, and then we plan to move into our own apartment in the fall.

First Talk About Kids:

Earlier in the relationship I had noticed her making negative comments about having kids on several occasions - talking about how much work/money they are, talking about how annoying they can be, etc.

One day maybe 6 months ago we had a talk about the kinds of things that we wanted in the future, and the topic of having children came up. I told her that I absolutely wanted kids one day. She said that she was not sure. She knew that she didn't want kids any time soon (I don't either), but that she wasn't sure how she might feel when she was like 30.

She made several other comments of note during the talk: (1) she is very afraid of childbirth and of the money that is involved with raising children. (2) both of her parents want her to have kids - her dad specifically wants it badly. (3) she did sort of like the idea of having kids from like watching movies and fairy tales, etc as a kid.

I tried to prod her a little more to see if she was leaning in either direction, but came away thinking that she was honestly unsure about it.

Second Talk:

Recently at dinner we were talking about places that we might want to live in the future, and I made some observations about the differences between living in the city vs living in the suburbs and how there were certain places I would want to live in my 20s vs my 30s if I was going to raise a family.

She then said, "This could change, but right now, I think I could be happy if I never had kids."

She kept talking about places she might want to live, and I didn't really address her comment - but it is sticking with me.

Obviously, I am very young and I have a lot of things that I want to do before I have kids. It's very far from my radar at this point.

That being said, this is a girl that I have been extremely serious about and am still crazy about, and I'm not sure that I can stay with somebody that never wants kids. I think she could very well change her mind one day, but what if she doesn't?

Should I ask her about it or talk to her about it? I'm not even sure what I would say about it - it seems like at this point she definitely does not want kids but she is open to the idea that she might change her mind at some point. I don't know if talking to her about it would really unveil any more information about the topic.

I do sort of want to just let her know that it is important to me though, and ask her if she understands why I might want to think about the fact that she doesn't want to have kids.

Thoughts?

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Cliff Notes: Been dating for 14 months, we are both 23 years old. The relationship is going fantastically well. She is supposed to move in with me in June. She said, "Right now, I think I would be happy if I never had kids." I definitely want to have kids, and am not sure if I should address it.

[vashti]

She is probably too young to know that she never wants kids, but of course there is the possibility that she may not change her mind. You are young enough that you can afford to "waste" a couple of years on a relationship that ultimately doesn't lead to marriage and a family, and so all is not lost for you by continuing to date her. I think it would be reasonable to continue to date her for a while, but don't marry her if she doesn't come around, and don't try to force it on her.

[lesa]

I was in this situation. He definitely wanted kids and I didn't/wasn't sure. I was young so I just continued on with the relationship until it was sabotaged for not progressing. It doesn't sound like a dealbreaker to me because she didn't say she did not want children. She is young and is not sure yet. I say continue until you find a dealbreaker.

[Aeradalia]

Having children is a decision usually put on hold until later on in life --- even the desire to have children is put on hold as well. This is not an uncommon phenomena...

Give her some time... as she gets older, she may feel more confident as a person and the prospect of having children will seem more feasible and less overwhelming.

In the meantime... try to not pressure her. Doing so may make her feel like you're looking for a 'mate' to bear your offspring... not the friend/lover/better half that you're really wanting.

You have time to wait... no real need to 'rush.'

[vashti]

I actually consider this to be a deal-breaker issue, but not at the age of 23.

[lesa]

Yeah, I consider it a dealbreaker too. No doubt. However, he stated that she is not sure and they are both 23 so until he finds out for sure if this becomes a dealbreaker I would probably continue. I still have that problem...

[bluesummer]

I was pretty sure at 23 that I didn't want children either. She could come around as she gets older and accomplishes more in her life.

[hj2009]

Thank you so much for the responses!

Do you think I ought to talk to her about it at all, or just let it go and see what happens?

[Junket]

Why do you care about kids so much?

Do you intend on having them anytime soon?

[hj2009]

Having kids and a family is one of my life goals. I also have a strong urge to leave a legacy, so to speak, and I see having a child as a way to do that. It is important to me.

I do NOT want kids any time soon.

[lesa]

Let me guess---you desire many sons?

Sounds like my ex...

[Aeradalia]

Nothing wrong with wanting to leave a legacy via children... so long as that isn't your only reason for wanting them.

Have you spent much time around children? Well behaved children as well as disobedient children? Perhaps you could study a bit in child psychology. Do a fair bit of research so you know what it is that you're asking of her (or any female for that matter), and what you're wanting to get yourself into.

Raising children never goes 'by the book' and they have a tendency to change the plans you had set in life --- even when you plan on having children in the first place.


Doing this research could take years... and so it would keep the part of you that desires children occupied. Plus you'd feel like you're doing something to help you achieve your goal more directly... rather than just waiting to be financially capable.

[vashti]

Except for that mother who got pregnant to create a bone marrow match for her older, dying child, I've never heard a good reason for wanting children. I wouldn't microanalyze this if I were you. It will suck the joy right out of having them. I think it is enough to know that you want them eventually (and hopefully not until you are financially and emotionally ready for the responsiblity), and that it is a dealbreaker for you. In the meantime, as has already been pointed out, you are rather young to be making this a dealbreaker as far as dating goes. What do you consider an acceptable age to marry and reproduce? If you are like me, then I would say not before the age of 30, in which case I would be taking these things into consideration when I got to be around the age of 28. For now, I'd let it go.

[hj2009]

Lesa - no, I do not desire many children at all. I want one or two at the most.

Vashti - thank you for the thoughtful response. I pretty much agree with you. I think I am much too young to really put a ton of thought into it.

My real concern is that I know that I am going to want kids one day, and I am just worried that, should things work out with my current girlfriend, I will have to make a decision between her or having a child - not a decision I want to make down the road.

I think 28 or so is a reasonable time to get married and start thinking about those kinds of things. I likely do not want kids until I am in my 30s.

"I think it would be reasonable to continue to date her for a while, but don't marry her if she doesn't come around, and don't try to force it on her."

This sounds like good advice - and I will probably take it.