I want to talk about things

[Nick9]

So as the title suggests, I'm not even really sure of exactly what the issue is I want to address but I want to say things. Basically, I am 26 and have never had a girlfriend. Whats more, I've never even really been on a date - well thats not entirely true I'd say the only two things that could possibly be considered dates were

1) A couple months ago I asked someone I liked out to coffee and she (reluctantly, looking back on it) went along.
2) After I got back from Iraq 4 years ago someone "hooked me up" with a date for the ball.

So now where I am is, I've liked this girl for the entire last year, and she went for this other guy who sits in the cubical next to me (I'm in grad school, we have offices...). I have to see them together on a daily basis. Now, I've liked girls before, but this was different. I changed huge elements of my lifestyle so that I would have a better chance of getting her. For example, I stopped playing video games cold turkey (this used to dominate my spare time that I didn't spend studying). I started working out again so I would appear more physically attractive (I stopped 2 years ago because I have a lot of injuries i.e. herniated disc, bad knees, screwed up shoulders, etc.) I actively started going out and socializing so that I would appear less socially awkward.

And you know, what I realize now is she was completely uninterested in me the whole time. She forced looks of discomfort every time I asked her out (which was maybe 5 different times). When I finally got shot down I basically didn't do anything for a week (I mean like neglecting most of my responsibilities) and I had difficulty sleeping and eating for a month.

I really don't have any problems with this guy she went for, maybe I even like him, but damn he looks pitiful (super skinny kid). It seemed like the way he got her to fall for him was to, during conversation, be extremely agreeable about everything and try to make it seem like he was interested in everything she is interested in. It seemed very obvious to me and it seemed like total crap to me - I have no idea how she didn't think it was total crap.

Anyways, I obviously have to get over her because even if they don't work out she isn't interested in me. Unfortunantly the only way thats going to happen is by finding a way to dislike her which is a shame because there really isn't a lot to dislike about her.

So what I have been doing last few days is going to random bars and clubs solo. And honestly, my goal is to hook up with some random hot college girl and have sex with her. Maybe people look down on that sort of thing, but HEY if are looking down on it, how old were you the first time you had sex? Probably a little younger than 26 no?

And basically, if I don't do it now, what is going to happen is I will be 35 and start attracting women who "had their fun", realize they are going to start losing their looks soon to old age and are looking for a strong host to parasite off of so she can live the rest of her life financially comfortable. Not this guy! I would rather freaking kill myself than end up like that (but not while mom is alive of course). I'll have my fun too.

But this seems like its going to be pretty difficult. Most girls at the clubs/bars are either with a boyfriend or in a group of girls. I don't have the skill to walk into a group of girls, interrupt a conversation and pick off the hottest one point blank. Also, even if I do find girls who seem to be by themselves and don't seemed to be engaged with anything at the moment, I have few options other than
- pretending to be confused about something like the time the place closes and ask her
- commenting on something trivial like how busy or dead it is there (I avoid the weather)
Perhaps I should try giving compliments, and follow up by asking what she goes to school for or whatever.
What is even an appropriate thing to comment on? I mean "wow you look good" seems too direct.

I'm doing something that I want to be really great at (referring to my studies/research), so I have a limited time window to get this over with so I can move on.

Well this isn't even as long as I'd like to make it, but I am sort of interested in people's comments on it so hopefully this is short enough so that someone will actually read it. I'd like to hear comments! Should I "suck it the **** up?", "settle for an actual girlfriend who I'm not really into because random hookups are creepy"?, "devote myself and all my energy to finding someone else, thereby neglecting my studies and becoming mediocre like all the other american students"?

[MerryH]

And basically, if I don't do it now, what is going to happen is I will be 35 and start attracting women who "had their fun", realize they are going to start losing their looks soon to old age and are looking for a strong host to parasite off of so she can live the rest of her life financially comfortable.

What the hell? Where do you get ideas like this? And where do you get off forming that opinion of people who have reached a certain age? You of all people should be understanding of others who haven't found "the one" or whatever. You're an inexperienced 26 year old. Maybe you should drop the cynical, judgmental attitude.

So, you completely changed yourself for a girl who turned you down five times?! And then when you finally gave up you couldn't sleep or eat for a month? You should have been improving yourself for your own benefit, not just to win over some girl from school. Also never get so attached to someone (especially someone you're not even dating) that you can't function if things don't work out. Really unhealthy and kind of creepy, too.

Also, even if I do find girls who seem to be by themselves and don't seemed to be engaged with anything at the moment, I have few options other than
- pretending to be confused about something like the time the place closes and ask her
- commenting on something trivial like how busy or dead it is there (I avoid the weather)

There's nothing wrong with either of those options. You just have to find ways to continue the conversation and not let it lull or get awkward. If things start getting awkward, just bail by saying, "Hey nice talking to you, I'll see you later, hopefully." And then of course try to run into her later.

Perhaps I should try giving compliments, and follow up by asking what she goes to school for or whatever.
What is even an appropriate thing to comment on? I mean "wow you look good" seems too direct.

Compliments are good, but I recommend not complimenting any physical characteristics. Do not say, "Hey, nice eyes/smile/hair/legs/tits." Instead, maybe "Oh wow, nice bracelet/shoes/keychain/whatever. Where did you get it?"

Should I...devote myself and all my energy to finding someone else, thereby neglecting my studies and becoming mediocre like all the other american students

Again, maybe you should drop the cynical, judgmental attitude. You say things that make you sound like you think you're better than everyone. And no, you should not devote ALL your energy into finding "someone else." You should devote all your energy into being a better person and learning how to socialize and date around. Do not fixate on one girl.

[Nick9]

You say things that make you sound like you think you're better than everyone.

Gosh, you know, I do. And I tend to do that sort of thing in person too. To be honest, I go back back and forth between believing I'm really awesome to believing I'm really shit. It depends on the sort of past things I'm thinking about - the times I pulled through or the times I failed. I probably spend more thinking believing I'm really shit than is healthy, so often (but certainly not always) this has something to do with me being insecure about various things. Sometimes I like to think I'm brutally realistic with myself but I'm not really sure thats true.

But I don't ever really single the person out I'm talking to and be condescending to them though - I just bash vague groups of people like "american students". I might even come off as humble a lot of times I don't know.

That might have come out garbled but I'm being open and the truth doesn't really lend itself to words well.

So, you completely changed yourself for a girl who turned you down five times?! And then when you finally gave up you couldn't sleep or eat for a month? You should have been improving yourself for your own benefit, not just to win over some girl from school. Also never get so attached to someone (especially someone you're not even dating) that you can't function if things don't work out. Really unhealthy and kind of creepy, too.

I have always focused on improving myself and I never really saw socializing as improvement. Now that you mention improvement, I've always associated improvement with things that require a lot of exertion or are painful/unpleasant. Not chilling out at a bar smoking a cigar.

You italicized "five". Is that a lot?

Creepy? I can accept that. I guess thats just who I am right now. What else can I say about that? I don't want to creep people out...

You see, the way I saw it (see it) is, I was in love with her. I know I know - apparently "love" has some sort of extra special meaning attached to it. You'll read this and think "AAAAA you can't love someone unless your at least dating" but whatever. I've never felt that way about anyone before, I thought it was special, and if that feeling wasn't love then I really have no idea what the **** love is. Maybe I actually don't.

What the hell? Where do you get ideas like this? And where do you get off forming that opinion of people who have reached a certain age?

I'm sure most of the time the woman isn't consciously thinking she is going to "latch onto some rich guy after shes had her fun" but I bet its the reality in a lot of situations. You shouldn't get pissed off at what I'm saying - I'm just being open with my thoughts. You'd probably offend people if you were open too.

You just have to find ways to continue the conversation and not let it lull or get awkward.

You know, that will be an issue. If I have to carry the conversation, I figure the way to do that is to talk about myself. Actually I'm pretty interesting but most of the things about me don't make for good small talk. I don't want to talk about my military background a lot. Quantum mechanics and tensor calculus don't make for good chatting. I know a lot about lifting weights and jujitsu - again not a big conversation piece. I know a lot about motorcycles... I know a TON about video games.

[MerryH]

You italicized "five". Is that a lot?

Yes, asking a girl out five times is too much when she turns you down every time. Even asking twice is pushing it, in my opinion, but still sort of acceptable. Three or more is desperate, pushy, or disrespectful. You don't want to become a nuisance and put the girl in an awkward position over and over.

I'm sure most of the time the woman isn't consciously thinking she is going to "latch onto some rich guy after shes had her fun" but I bet its the reality in a lot of situations. You shouldn't get pissed off at what I'm saying - I'm just being open with my thoughts. You'd probably offend people if you were open too.

What you said didn't piss me off, it just struck me as a really strange belief for someone like you to have. One would think that you wouldn't be so judgmental of others who haven't settled down yet. Maybe this is just another case of you bashing vague groups of people, but thinking that girls will grow up to be parasites isn't going to help you land one. It's a pretty nasty way to think.