Boyfriend problems - ugh!

[kabiski]

So here's my situation...

Me and my boyfriend have been together almost a year now. Things have been going ok...we moved in together and have been living together about 6 months.

A few weeks ago his ex girlfriend messages him and wants to talk, so he messages her back and gives her his phone number-and will not let me see anything that is going on in the conversations they are having. he tries to convince me that i'm so much better than her, but then is checking his messages 3 or 4 times a day to see if she has written him. she cheated on him and thats the reason they broke up. I just dont understand why they need to talk so much - and shouldnt i be able to know what they are talking about?

he says he misses her but doesnt love her anymore...

does this seem weird to anyone else? Just want some thoughts on what to do - he doesnt want me to leave but i just dont know if i should stay if i'm just going to get hurt.....

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

The fact that he's secretive about the messages she sends puts up a red flag for me. Maybe you should tell him it bothers you that he's so secretive about their conversations and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive, I'd question how much over this girl he is.

[kabiski]

I told him that it bothered me and that i should know what was going on and he told me that i dont need to know everything...that he should be able to do things without me knowing about it....

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Ask him to put himself in your shoes. How would he like if you were texting your ex and anticipating text messages from your ex and hiding it from him. Tell him to really think about how it would make him feel before giving you an answer.

[Gigabitch]

Well, I'm at the extreme end of the spectrum, so take what I say with a grain of salt, or Valium or something, but if this were happening to me, I would flip out. His phone would have gone out the car window by now and I'd be calling that girl up to ask her just what the hell she thought she was doing.

IMO, you should start looking for an apartment.

[doppelgaenger]

This guy is a loser because he is a doormat to his exes. She cheated on him, he should resent her, even in the most ridiculous of ways. Even if he might not get with her, do you want to be with a guy who is like that?

Sounds like a bunch of baggage to me.

[Indignant]

i'd have dumped him a loooong time ago.

[carl1222]

I told him that it bothered me and that i should know what was going on and he told me that i dont need to know everything...that he should be able to do things without me knowing about it....

Sure, he should be able to do lots of things without you knowing about it. What he did today at work, what he ate for lunch, lending a buddy $5, even the conversation he had with a cute girl at the office. But in a series of conversations with an ex-girlfriend, he should be doing nothing that he can't do in front of you or tell you about.

I agee with Nisha. His defensiveness and secrecy turns a yellow flag into a HUGE red flag.

Carl.

[the.martin]

hi kabiski -

i think the most important parts of a healthy relationship are sharing and understanding.

having said that, if you shared with him how you felt about the secrecy of his actions, he needs to reciprocate by understanding how your feelings are hurt and share with you the way he is talking to his ex.

now - that's the extra extra nice way of looking at it. lol.

how i'd look at it - i'd have nothing to say to my ex that i couldn't say infront of my current. so definitely, he's saying things that he does not want you to know about - and really, would you want to be with someone like that?

agreed on the new apartment search if he does not come around in a reasonably fast manner.

cheers