Another Pre-engagement problem

[Rosi]

Hi Everyone! I'm new to this forum and looking for some serious advises.

My fiance and I had talked about getting married for awhile, until recently we had started to plan for it. At first we were both really excited and were out searching for a new home, wedding reception, pre-wedding studio, honeymoon location,... etc. I found that's too much to do at the same time, so we agreed to do things one after another.

There wasn't an engagement ring involved before we decided to get married, but I still think I should get one, just because traditionally I need one, everyone of my friends get one, and we need it for photo taking etc... The ring is also a symbol of our love and showing people that we are formally engaged. so we have started off shopping for it. we both knew nothing about diamonds, the 4C's etc... so i went ahead and did lots of research on the internet. At first I was looking at diamonds in their higher qualities, those cost up to 9k to 11k. This is the range that most of my gf's got. Later, my fiance and I both agreed that's out of budget, so I lowered what I wanted to 6k diamond. I don't mind to get a diamond that is not as good as what my friends have, but at least it's not too "small" and not brilliant at all. I thought 6k was quite a good price for that specific diamond, but he complained so much. I'm not being greedy or what, I just thought if he loves me enough, wouldn't he be more than happy to buy me an engagement ring that I dream of? I tried to put myself in his shoes, and i know he would think the same that if i love him enough, i wouldn't mind to have a tiny-weeny diamond. So, I went off to look for better deals. I found something that's 4k and still would look good. I'm definitely excited about it; however, during all this time I was shopping for this diamond, he did no contribution at all, but just complain about money.

We both know that we will be spending lots of money on a wedding, and I knew he's not rich. I decided to pay part of it too, even though that's against my family's tradition, i just don't tell anybody. His finance is still tight, so I proposed to pay for my own engagement ring and he will pay me later when his finance is better. He's ok with that. And again, I can't tell anybody about it. I feel bad for myself too. So far for our wedding, I'm the only one who's working hard and researching hard for it, but he's the only one who always complain and not willing to contribute, or maybe he's just too tired and stressed from work. But, why is this happening to me? My gf's who got married didn't have to do so much themselves, their husband did almost everything. I feel very very tired. I'm happy to do all that preparations and stuffs, but why does he have to complain so much??

[carl1222]

The engagement ring is supposed to be a token of your upcoming marriage, not the basis for it. I'm not too surprised that your fiancee feels discouraged and inadequate about your wedding plans. Here's my serious advice: have him buy you a high-quality gold setting with a 2 carat cubic zirconium stone for about $1,000. When he can afford it, he can always replace the stone later. Sure, a CZ has a bit less brilliance than a diamond, but it makes up for it by being flawless with more fire. Pressuring him to buy a ring he can't afford just to impress your friends is insane! Please try to concentrate on the important things in your relationship.

Carl.

ps - natural diamonds are about 1000% overpriced because of the manipulation of the available supply of this ridiculously abundant gemstone by the diamond mining cartel. So the 11K diamond ring you fancy so much has a real intrinsic value of about $1,000 as well. Your husband-to-be is a lot smarter than your friends' partners - he is reluctant to go heavily into debt just to satisfy your pride and vanity.

[vashti]

Forget the cubic zirconia, and look at second-hand rings.

Weddings are GIRL events. Don't expect him to act like your girlfriends. And BTW - they are probably lying. I really don't know many men at ALL who care about the wedding frivolities. Also, according to tradition, he is responsible for paying for the ring and the engagement dinner. Your family is supposed to pay for the wedding.

[l_girl]

I never really understood how a big diamond means so much to the girl if it's going to bankrupt the poor guy. Think about it, if he can't afford it then you'll have to make a big compromise. Why not get a simple band and upgrade later to the ring of your dreams. 11k on a ring is A LOT of money to spend if you can't afford it. Even if you can afford it I still think 11k can be a lot for a new couple to spend unless their finances are really good (like bullet proof good!!). Why don't you just talk to your fiancee about how you're tired of all the wedding planning you're doing and want his help.

[VincenzoG91]

It doesn't make sense to spend a huge amount of money on the ring and the wedding and the reception. Afterwards, you will be married, and the leading cause of divorce is money problems. Why sabotage the marriage right at the start? Think about it... the point is the marriage, not the wedding. The marriage is what you will live with, while the wedding is basically a single, ridiculously expensive party. The ring is a symbol of your bond, but an expensive ring won't keep you together.

[bluesummer]

Men will get involved with the wedding stuff if you try hard to show that you're not attempting to bankrupt them in the process of planning. Women turn all weird about money when they get engaged.....suddenly, they feel like it grows on trees. The men paying for this wedding do not. They get TIGHTER with their wallets. I can promise you this, my wedding is in three weeks and we've been putting this together for TWO YEARS.

Your wedding is about commitment to each other, being happy about spending your lives together. Not how elaborate your reception is, not how your ring stacks up to your friends. Your fiance doesn't love you less because he won't spend that much money on a ring, he's just practical. Myself, I would've killed my fiance for spending that much money on a piece of jewellery. I found out he spent just under $4k and I was a litte annoyed, frankly. We could've taken an extra week of honeymoon for that.

If you love him, marry him and stop focusing on how much is being spent. It sounds very materialistic.

[xxazurexx]

I just thought if he loves me enough, wouldn't he be more than happy to buy me an engagement ring that I dream of?

So you measure the depth of his love for you, as according to what he will spend on you?

How pathetic.

I couldn't have cared less, if my engagement ring had fallen out of a christmas cracker. It would be what it SIGNIFIES, not how much it cost.

[Mish]

When women compare their wedding ring to the wedding rings that their gfs got they don't do it out of love (+ everything that Blue had said)

[jlangston]

The ring shouldn't be a contest. The ring is something for you to cherish and love. Who cares what your girlfriends have....are you in the relationship with them or with him??? That's insane that you even care what they think if they are your friends and know how much you love one another they will be happy for you. Is it seriously that important to you or do you care more about your guys' love and future together? If it's something he buys you it would mean so much more to you than you buying it yourself and it should absolutely not matter what size it is...it's something he bought for you. I just got married on July 3rd. I have a rare guy, he was interested in the planning .... but not nearly as much as you're acting like your friend's fiance's did. It's not normal for any man to get involved and they may do it with a smile to please their girl but usually they complain, that's normal I know too many guys that just didn't. Honestly you and your maid of honor and or mother and maybe any sister and possibly the bridesmaids are the ones that should be doing the exciting planning.

Seriously, the last thing you want is for him to buy a ring he can't afford, you get married, and then you find that you're constantly fighting about finances...or find that he won't be able to pay you back for quite some time, then you feel like he doesn't care when it's just not the case.

He may not realize he's complaining a lot if that's the case....but usually the girl decides everything and every once in a while may get an opinion from him. It's not worth getting worked up over. You only get this lifetime experience once.....well....that's how it's supposed to be anyway. Focus on what the engagement and marriage are really about; you and your significant other.

[Gigabitch]

You should be thrifty with the wedding and drop a bundle on your ten-year anniversary. He can get you a fatass ring then.

[IncognitoSir]

You should be thrifty with the wedding and drop a bundle on your ten-year anniversary. He can get you a fatass ring then.

Thats what I'm talking bout, talk some sense into em Giga!