Not sure what happened here

[frootloopy]

I met a man two years ago through our association at work. We had dinner one night and that led into a relationship that started to develop fairly quickly. He had been divorced 5 years prior to our meeting and had yet to have seen any other women. He has two sons who were aged 16 and 19 when we met. He explained to me that both the boys were reluctant to have any other people in either of their parents lives but that he hoped in time they would “come around” to the concept. He told me that his siblings thought that he coddled them too much on this subject, but he didn’t want to lose them and was afraid that confronting them with the issue of another woman in his life might cause that to happen. (Apparently there was an issue with one of the boys encountering a date of his mother’s and reacting very badly) I accepted his explanation and hoped that sooner rather than later this issue would be resolved. He told me that he had fallen in love twice in his life the first time with his wife, and the second with me.

As time progressed, the relationship was still not moving forward. When we got together, he would say things like “I want to wake up with you every morning” etc but “I just have to get through right now” He also often related conversations with other people referring to his girlfriend (me) but I had still never met anyone in his family and no one we work with knew anything about us. He and I spoke on the telephone at least once a day, but physical contact was limited to once every few months (Both of us travel extensively for work and live 308 miles apart, so logistically it has been tough)

This past May, I was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and robbed at gunpoint. He was very supportive and immediately offered to come. I told him no (I didn’t want him to have to interrupt his work week, both boys are in college and I know the financial burden he is under) we met for a day shortly thereafter in a location about half way between us. But, the rest of the summer went by without seeing each other. Both boys were home from school and there was the added pressure for him of having a father who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and was beginning to decline rapidly. He came out for a wedding in late September and we finally were able to spend three nights together. He was very warm and loving (even held my hand in church) immediately afterward his father took a rapid turn for the worse and he went to be with him for a week. He indicated (via text) that his contact with me would be intermittent since his mind/attention was there and there alone. I had no contact at all that week from him. I sent an email offering my support and called on Friday night. Finally I received a text on Sat saying that “Have received your messages, appreciate your thoughts and prayers, I don’t want to talk, spending the weekend with my sons and then going back to be with my father” I understood his pain but was somewhat shocked at being so shut out; I replied that my prayers would continue. On Sunday he texted me that his father had passed away and that he was going back and would be there all week. Again I replied with my condolences. Heard nothing from him all week (understandable). Finally, in desperation I called Monday and left a message on his voice mail. I expressed the pain I felt for him and also for myself because he was totally shutting me out. I received a call a couple of hours later from him. In a totally impassionate tone of voice he informed me that his time and energy were totally used up taking care of his siblings, sons, and the other grandchildren and dealing with the estate etc. He said he was trying to be the man his father would have wanted him to be. He said that he didn’t know how he would feel about any relationships when this was over. He said he hadn’t been talking to anybody, not just me (I’m anybody?) Lastly, he said that he would try to stay in contact.

So, here I sit feeling hurt, angry, confused and alone. Throughout our relationship his unwillingness to include me in all of his life has bothered me greatly, but he always said enough right things to keep me believing that not only would it change but that he truly loved me. Other people that saw him with me would comment to me that it was clear that he adored me. So, here’s my question: Have I been completely fooled? Did he ever care for me? Is he that good a liar? Or, is it reasonable that his father’s death truly has had such an impact on him that it is causing this dramatic change in behavior. What is the best course of action for me to take at this point? Back off completely or continue to attempt to reach out?

[Gigabitch]

I say back off. He's made it abundantly clear that he has almost nothing to offer you. Whatever his reasons may be, the end result is that he's blowing you off. So show yourself the respect he's not showing you and stop calling him.

[Primo]

frootloopy, I responded to your post on the main board.

[AmyWright]

Um he's obviously in a bad state at the moment but wait a while I'm sure if he loved you as much as he gave on then once his head is clear he'll be back.