Falling out of like?

[Manx]

Hey, so I’ve got a bit of a problem with my current relationship. I’ve been dating this girl for about 4 months and it’s the first stable relationship I’ve had in about 5+ years. My problem is that recently, when I think about her, I can’t bring myself to say I like her.

I tried tackling this problem a month or two ago by writing down what I’d like in a relationship, what’s wrong with the relationship, what could be wrong with her and wrong with me. Since I’m looking for a best friend in a romantic relationship, I wrote down the qualities of my best male friend, then wrote another list of qualities about her, and was able to come up with more things than my best friend. I’ve found that I like every thing about her; smile, laugh, jokes, taste in music etc. The worst things I could come up with about the relationship were sometimes making out gets a bit too intense (no sex, though uncomfortably close). I mean, we’re both religious, so we both feel guilty about things going farther then they should. (We did discuss this problem of going too far (in our views) and both agreed that it needs to be kept in check). So I started writing stuff about myself and came to the conclusion that it’s some problem I have.

I had something similar occur in my first stable relationship, where about 3 months into it, I kept hearing a dissenting voice saying that it would be best to break up. We wound up breaking up after 1 year, 7 months and it was somewhat friendly for a while. My fear is that this is something wrong with my thought processes and it will crop up constantly with other relationships. I know that I’ve been depressed for a while, and after discussing this situation with another friend, she noted that it was one symptom of borderline personality disorder (not being able to conjure feelings for something/one not present). Though I haven’t been diagnosed with it, I do exhibit a good bit of the symptoms, so again, this is why I’m afraid it’s more of my own mental faults rather than her faults.

This feeling started after she had left for Turkey for a month. I really missed her, then after about a week, I became more miffed about her being gone than missing her. For some reason or another, when she leaves, even if it’s after just hanging out, I just get this dreadful feeling like something horrible has happened.

I've tried asking myself what I don't like about her, and the only response I get is that I just don't. I really can't come up with a single thing I don't like about her. I don't know if what I need to do is reevaluate what it means to like someone in a relationship or if I should simply take the answer at face value.

I’m sorry if I’ve overanalyzed this way too much, but I absolutely hate confrontation, letting someone down, and breaking off a relationship with a wonderful girl, so I want to investigate all avenues of the problem. What’s worse is that I know she really likes me and does bring it up often.

Bottom line: What do you do when you like everything about a person, but can’t bring yourself to say you like the person?

Thank you for any help and advice that can be offered.

[Charlie Boy II]

Pretty much the whole of your post is absurd.

I can write long lists of things I like about 20 or 30 girls that I know and they'll all be pretty long, but it doesn't mean I like them. You obviously just aren't that into your girlfriend. It's got nothing to do with a personality disorder.

You sound like you've just been thinking about yourself too much. You see, this is what happens when guys are deprived of booze and sex.

[nyc123]

i could go for some booze and sex right about now...

[Charlie Boy II]

Was I talking to you?!


Only joking.

[Manx]

would focusin my thoughts on her be the better idea then?

[Charlie Boy II]

No because you don't like her. Breaking up with her would be a better idea.

[DWT2001]

In order for ANY relationship to work, it is ESSENTIAL that you *LIKE* the person at the very least.

I would say you have been too over indulgent in self with your thoughts and if you still feel the same way then break it off... it simply is not fair to stay in a relationship because you do not want to "let that person down"... thats no recipe for happiness, for her or yourself.

Just ask yourself if parting is what you really want as once you do part you WILL feel a loss but that would be normal, it does not mean to say you are in love with her as after reading your post it sure sounds as if your heart is not in it and therefore you should let her move on to find someoone that not only loves her but likes her too.

Bottom line, dont be an asshole and mess her about, she deserves to be liked as well as loved.

End it if that is how you feel, just be nice but do not keep going back or prolong it to spare her feelings, end it in a clean and respectful way and tell her it was not anything she did or did not do... that way she will not be so down on herself but do NOT stay out of pity... that is direspectful and the inevitable will happen anyway.

Move on and let her find someone else.

Lastly, regarding issues with depression, that can often mask happiness... maybe you are putting your depression onto her without realizing it? (ie: its her that is causing it when she is not?).

Remember that happiness comes from within... its easy to say (i find it hard to put this into practice myself) but to be happy you have to like YOURSELF... maybe this would be a good place to start... NO PERSON CAN *MAKE* YOU HAPPY... it is a fact of life.

Stop looking at others to solve your depression and start finding ways to combat your depression, get out of "yourself" more and get into exercise and things that you enjoy, start a new hobby or whatever... but do not stay in a rut over analyzing everything and why you are not happy with your girlfriend... YOU are responsible for your own happiness at the end of the day and no matter WHO you are with, you will never be happy if you cannot be comfortable liking (at the very least) YOU.

I truly believe that in life you have to love yourself before you can love another... as any other way you are merely expecting another to *give* you happiness and it just does not work like that... i think it is YOU that you dislike so get that sorted before anything else... if you can learn to at least like YOU then you will not only be much happier but you will also have a whole lot more to offer in a relationship.

Good luck.

[Gigabitch]

You're overthinking it. It's simple: you don't like her. You should break up with her.

That is all.

[IndiReloaded]

You're overthinking it. It's simple: you don't like her. You should break up with her.

That is all.

Oh c'mon Giga. You don't seriously expect someone to listen to simple reason do you?

This miserable person will drag it out at least another 6 months.

[Dave4586]

just break up with her all right

[Manx]

Thanks for the advice everyone. We did talk tonight and both felt that breaking up may be the best idea. We both agreed that we could remain friends.
Preparing for the talk was probably the worst part, as I've never really broken up with someone before (self-initiated that is). I talked to a few friends about what to say and do, and I think that really helped out.
I don't feel better about the whole thing, but I feel a large burden has been lifted.

[Only-virgins]

If you don't like someone you shouldn't be with them. It is over...good.