help understanding

[Kouji71]

hello everyone. I was refered here by a friend, because she was a little worried about me, and hoped that someone would be able to help.

my girlfriend and i met last year, in our senior year of high school. we were both on a local robotics team (geeky, huh?), and ended up working very closely with each other and eventually decided to go out. we went to each others proms, and spent the entire summer together, just about every day. we travelled places, and stayed at home and watched movies, and did all kinds of things together. when it came time for college to start, i went to a local state university, while she left for an ivy league school in new york. it was really sad parting, but we decided to still stay together. she was always really lonely at school though, because she wasn't good at making friends. she didn't have anyone else to talk to for the entire fall semester. when school got out though, we spent winter break together exactly as we had the summer, and things were wonderful. we promised that no matter what happened during the next semester we wouldn't break up, because of good things were when we weren't seperated. at least not until we saw each other and decided that things just weren't the same.

spring semester, things were a little tougher, because everything was a whole lot more stressful for the both of us. she finally made a friend from one of her classes though "todd". she is was always a very loyal person though, and never let him get in between us. i was glad that she was finally getting aclimated to school life, and hoped it would make things a little better for her there.

our one year anniversary was this past april 16th, and on that day, todd asked her out on a date. my girlfriend told me that she was happy with the relationship she was in, and had no desire to leave me, but after that, she started getting very distant (or maybe it was just my perception, and i was just insecure), but either way, two weeks after that she told me that she couldn't honestly say she loved me anymore. she said she was thinking of him more than she was thinking of me now, and that she didn't know what to think. she said she didn't know who she loved or what she wanted. she told me there was still a chance that we might be able to get back together and things would work out. she led me on like this for a week or so, always telling me that there was still a chance, but spending almost all of her time with him. i heard from her very little.

this was during my exam week, and i was completely devistated. it felt like it came out of the blue--right before we would be able to see each other again for the summer, and even breaking the promise we had made. after a week, i finally got her to admit that she was only telling me there was still a chance only because things might not work out with him, and that's when i stopped talking to her.

i told her it hurt too much to talk to her. even though she left me for another person, she would still say things like 'i miss you so much', and 'it took me almost a week to take your picture off my desk because i liked looking at it'. i just don't understand what she is thinking, and i guess i was hoping for some insight. some of the things she says are just completely at odds with her actions, and i don't know what to think. all of this feels as though the year we spent together meant absolutely nothing to her, even though she says it does. if it did, how could she leave me so easily? how come she never even tried to patch things up and work out our relationship? the very last time i talked to her, i asked for some answers, because i just couldn't (and still can't) and this was what she had came up with as her reason for breaking up with me:

"i think it's because this personality type, this person, whether his name is [high school love interest] or [other person on robotics team] or todd, is somebody that i've always been attracted to (as a friend if not otherwise, as in the middle case), and somebody i probably always will be. and so this time i'm ending it by seeing how i deal with this person, how things go, so if it ends up not working *because* of personality, i'll know, and i'll be able to let it go in the future, and not think so much about those types of people. otherwise i see it being a problem for the rest of my life, still being drawn to that same person, no matter what form he takes."

when she said it, it kind of made sense, but now after i think about it, i feel like i was just an experiment then (because i'm nothing close to the personality type of those people. they are the more talkative, outgoing, and sort of haughty kind of people, while i'm really shy and reserved, with a distinct lack of self confidence). that i was just to see if she could ever love someone who wasn't that personality type. is this really a reason to give up a good relationship? for a personaliy stereotype, and not an actual person? (this was not something she said when she dumped me by the way, not till right before i stopped talking to her). she also said that she never allowed herself to compare the two of us in her mind, but i don't understand how she could ever make a decision to leave

she said that she was sorry for the pain she put me through, but she never seemed regretful of the decision she made either. the two of them are already going out, too, and it hasn't even been that long. i think this would be a whole lot easier for me to deal with if it wasn't for the nagging questions. i don't understand her viewpoint at all, and i don't understand how she could leave so easily. she wouls always say it wasn't an easy decision for her to make, but it never really seemed that way. she was always happy talking about him, and i can't help feeling that she only said it to keep me from getting more sad and making her feel bad.

so i guess i know i'll never have reall answers, but i was hoping that maybe someone would have some insight into what she was going through and what she was thinking and feeling. i just don't know what to think myself. i'm just too much of a wreck to understand any of this. she says she'll never forget me, because of all the memories we share, but i don't understand how she can think about them and not hurt like i do. well, no i can understand why she doesn't hurt, but i don't understand why she can say things like that. i feel like i need some sort of understanding though, to be able to deal with this. she says she would be devistated if i had to forget everything, but i don't know of any other way to stop the hurting.

[LostInMi]

First off, im sorry to hear what happend.

Distance almost always never works out in a shorter relationship like yours. Expecially at your age, when your a freshman in college and you both have to part ways.

I know it hurts, i've been there before as most people on here have as well. It's pretty much the same advice, just make sure you dont try to contact her. You'd only be hurting yourself more. In a few months from now you will look back and not be sad/depressed about it.

Your a single college freshman, enjoy yourself before commiting in another relationship and just make sure your wounds are healed.

The only thing i can see from her perspective is that she simply grew apart. Not seeing eachother and having the pressure of college does that.

Anyways, good luck man im sure you'll find the right woman for you.