Complicated Story - worth holding on to?

[pat]

Hey Everyone!

I am in some sort of weird or complicated situation and right now I'm not sure whether I should just let it go or if I should hold on to it. A few months ago I started cuddling with a work collegue my room mate brought home every now and then. She's been over here for months, but one night we were watching movies together and that's when we came closer to each other. As it turned out a few days later, my room mate had feelings for her, too and was really jealous of me and it drove him mad, and it finally became so bad that he suffered from a depression, including borderline personaly disorder and alcoholism.

So his work collegue and I never really "flirted" or cuddled while he was with us, but we still kept meeting each other, we started kissing and making out, and so on (some of the things, that he had feelings for her or suffered from a depression, for example, turned out later and I didn't know at the time). Then her ex-boyfriend, who she still lives with for one or two more months, started sensing something between me and her and he became jealous, too. Because of that, there were always complications in our "relationship" (even though it wasn't a relationship, we were still single during that time). However, as time went by we both kind of developed strong feelings for each other.

Then she went to visit family for 3 days, and when she came back it was like nothing ever happened between us. I've been warned before that she tends to do that - she hangs out with a guy and then when it starts getting a little more serious she retreats, and about a week before she left she told me that the worst thing she can imagine is that she is being abandoned or dumped by a guy that she really loves.

So now she says that she was confused as far as her feelings for me were concerned and that she rather wouldn't be confused, that's why she built up the distance. She also said that she's absolutely not interested in me anymore and that she has no feelings whatsoever for me, either.

Basically this is a pretty clear thing. But for some reason I don't know if I should really let it go and move on or hold on to wanting to "have" her. The thing is, I never met a person like her and until now I haven't found one thing about her that annoys me (in most cases I find these things pretty quick - aware of the fact that I, too have habits/things that annoy other people ;-)). And wouldn't say that I love her, yet or that she's the woman of my dreams - but I am willing to find that out. I keep thinking that she was interested in me before and the had feelings for me, so why should all that vanish within 3 days (the trip was about a month ago).

Then again I might just be too involved and into that whole thing to see that this is a lost case and that I should move on and find another person. Eventually, relationships that start in such a chaos tend to end like that, too.

What do you think? I'm grateful for any advice or opinions :-)

edit: oh yeah I live on my own now, so the whole room-mate thing wouldn't be a problem anymore

[lahnnabell]

Well, regardless of how she feels about you, the more you push her the more you'll push her away from you. She sounds like she's got some issues to work out, including her living situation. I wouldn't want to date someone that was still living with their jealous ex, no matter how over they were.

Give her some breathing room. If she comes around, don't jump at the first chance to hang out with her either. You need to set up some boundaries that reinforce what you want. You clearly want to pursue a romantic relationship with her. It's not fair to string yourself along and be her friend when you clearly want more. Being her friend will not guarantee that she will want to date you.

As for your roommate, are you two good friends? Or are you just sharing living expenses?

[xxazurexx]

Feelings can vanish and just like that, because there was never really any deep feelings to start with.

Obviously she has liked you enough to be able to hang out with you, kiss you, etc, etc, but sometimes there isn't a big enough attraction or interest and to want to carry it on.

I was seeing a guy once and for 2 months. I liked him, but I dunno, he just wasn't someone I pictured being with 'forever'. There wasn't enough there, to want to go onto' forever', so I ended it.

It's either that or she met some other guy she prefers, it's as simple as that.

She says she has lost feelings, isn't interested anymore.....she isn't and won't be lying to you, she is telling the truth.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but this is the way relationships are and we have to kiss many frogs and frogettes before we finally meet someone special.

[pat]

Wow thanks for the posts. As for her feelings - I know it can be like that sometimes, but I don't believe it was that. We were always very honest to each other (one of the things I really appreciated when being with her), and she kept telling that she sometimes thinks I might be perfect for her, that it's something really special to her, that she thinks she's in love with me, and so on (we never said 'I love you', but we both felt like that a lot of times). So I don't think it was some sort of "I like you but it's not that special" kind of thing.

She really has a lot of issues to work out. I know that she has a real bad relationship to her dad, and that she's scared of losing people (like she said, the worst thing that could happen to her is when she gets dumped). She also hasn't met anyone new, yet. Maybe it would even be good if she had, cause that's kind of the point where I'd be like "ok, I'm out!", but she hasn't. Besides, I'm 99% sure things would go the exact same way - it's happened more than once that she built up a distance when things started to get a little more serious. I don't know, she might be scared of committment, scared of losing someone, or whatever.

Also I'm not really pushing her, I know that this would do pretty much anything but help. I'm just asking myself if I should hang in there. Right now, both options seem wrong to me. Hanging in there seems stupid because I think at some point you just have to admit you lost the game, and if it hasn't worked so far, it's not going to work in the future. Then again I think if I let her go and not even try, I'm giving up, and you never get anything by giving up. So yeah, I'm confused myself. Like I said, it's not like she's the woman of my dreams or like I am deeply in love with her, but I think it could happen that way considering how good the couple of months with her were.

As for my room mate - we used to be good friends. Then about two years ago we moved in together, and that's when it all started going downhill. That's probably also why I didn't know about his feelings for her, his jealousy, and so on right away - we haven't really been talking about anything serious or personal for about a year and a half. So yeah, that whole thing ended the friendship, he now hates me and blames me for everything he's been through. The weird thing is that he is friends with her again - even though she's done pretty much the same thing, and even though she was his best friend at the time.

[xxazurexx]

Can I ask how old she is?

[pat]

Sure, she is 22, I'm 25. Also, I think in my posts it sounds like she's really "fragile" - she really doesn't seem that way, she seems self-confident and strong, and she's not the type who always complains or whines about everything that hasn't worked out the way she wanted it. It's just that she has a hard time getting into real relationships for some reason, be it the problems with her dad that she's always had or some sort of fear, or whatnot.

[xxazurexx]

The last thing you want to be doing, is making excuses for why she may not want to be with you. That is your 'denial' of the situation speaking and you would be far better accepting it for what it is, which is basically she doesn't want to be with you anymore.

You can state that she has issues with this, issues with that and put it down to reasons she isn't with you if that makes it easier for you to deal with. But you know what, when I've had stuff going on in my everyday life, I wanted my partner there with me and to help me through hard times. I didn't boot him out of my life and tell him I wasn't interested in him anymore, that I had no feelings for him anymore. Half of the time and when people quit a relationship, they will think of any reason or excuse and to justify their reasons for exiting. They will blame themselves, or their past, or a person for why they are, the way that they are. They switch the situation around and so that they become the 'victim', as opposed to you being the 'victim' and it gets your sympathy and understanding, of why they are choosing to exit.

But your question is, should you stick around and hope she's gonna change her mind?

Personally I wouldn't. I'd take a back seat, not contact at all and give them space and time to miss me. If it was someone I'd loved, I'd most likely pick up a call and if they got in touch and out of curiosity and to see what they said. But if I wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear, then I'd continue to further detach myself from the situation and not pick up on their further efforts to contact.

Meantime I'd be out enjoying myself with friends and living it up, getting stuck into my work, etc, etc.

Some wise words for you. Never put your life on 'hold' for anyone. You could lose a lot of valuable time doing so!!

[pat]

Hey! I thank you for your "wise words"! :-) You know, it's weird. I never really wrote the whole situation down like that. Now I did, and then I went to clean up my apartment and do the chores, and it subconsciously kept working in my head, and I started thinking: Why run after her and make her want what I have to give? I don't want to sound arrogant, but I'm a nice guy, I have a lot to offer, and I might not be a genius but I'd consider myself to be smart and funny. If she doesn't want all that, if she's looking for for guys to just make out with, for reasons not to committ herself to something / someone - then it's her loss I guess. This and your words made me kind of realise that it would be smarter to move on, to find a person I can count on 100% and most importantly find a person who appreciates me and the things I have to give the same way I appreciate her.

I don't know why I never thought like that before, but right now that's what's going through my mind and it makes total sense to me.
Thank you :-)

[xxazurexx]

You are welcome

If she wants you, let her come to you. Think of yourself as the 'prize' that she needs to win and not as her being some 'prize' that you have to win.