complicated relationship

[baberz]

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 3 years. We were good friends before hand also. We broke up because I was going away to college and as he put it, he wasn't comfortable dating someone in college their first year. He said that he didn't want me to miss out on all the fun, since he is older, he already got to have more experiences than I have. We promised to still be very close. It was a tough break up but then we decided we would be friends with benefits. Friends with benefits worked out until the day I left for college so then we decided to just be best friends. Things were pretty much the same as when we were dating. On the days when I would come home, I would stay at his place. We are still intimate and we still do everything the same. We snuggle, hold hands, kiss, go on dates, laugh and just get along like we always do. Everyone always told us that we had this connection when we were together. I still love him and he still loves me, but it's defiantly hard. I want to start our relationship back up again, but he wants to wait until I'm done with school. I don't know if maybe I should detach myself or not. I still get really jealous and I know technically he's single, but the way we hang out, seems like were still dating. His family doesn't even know were not together, that's how close we are still. I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them. His friends still call me his girlfriend since we act like were still dating. I've tried many times to try to stay away from him, but why should I stay away if he makes me happy? Any advice on what I should do or how I should handle this?

[MerryH]

This confuses me.

I don't understand why he would break up with you, citing that he doesn't want you to "miss out on all the fun" yet still continue acting like boyfriend/girlfriend. If he really wanted you to be totally independent and free, he would let you go completely. Give you space to "have fun" and stay out of your life, no? Something's just not adding up.

Oh no wait, I just got it. He wants to be able to bang other people while you're away, but still keep you close enough to be intimate with you while you're home for the holidays and what not. Okay, now it makes sense.

If this is the case, are you okay with that?

[reeba]

lol MerryH, why are you beating me to all of my posts, and saying exactly what I'm thinking.

I've only read two posts tonight, and both are girls having issue with FWB because they have emotional involvement. This site is full of this type of post. Do a search on this site on it. FWB rarely works. You know what FWB use to be called? An 'open relationship'. And before that it was called 'swingers'. And I don't know if there was a term before that, besides labels like 'better keep my husband away from that tramp'.

Baberz, you need to dump this guy. If he was really loved you, the entire idea of you being with another dude would drive him crazy. And if you really loved him, the entire idea of him being with another woman would drive you crazy. And becase he thinks this FWB situation is OK, even after you said you want to go back to having a relationship, do not have any more attempts to 'talk' your way back into the relationship. He isn't trustworthy enough for a LDR, and will continue to be with other girls. Just he won't be doing it openly, meaning now he will cheat.

Time to go read my third post. Wonder if it is going to be another FWB crisis.

[RockNRoll]

You sound closer than some real "BF and GF" are! Especially with family and friends seeing you as an "item". It sounds like you also feel like you never broke up. It's only this guy who stands by beeing single, but still acting like a couple.

So it sounds like he is really messing you around. You seem to be a part-time girlfriend for him now, but he still has all the rights to date around while you are away. By the way, are you taking advantage of your "single" status while you are in college? Because it seems one-sided.

He may make you happy at this moment, but if it's going to be a disaster in a long-run it would be better to stop while you are still happy. There is no good in beeing a couple when it's comfortable for him. He is stringing you along. You have deep feelings for him, but he is not committed to you. So there are huge chances for your feelings to get hurt and you'll have only yourself to blame. That's a situation where he wins, but you loose.

Unless you can get rid of you feelings (not likely), you need to be a committed couple or have a clean break up (no contacts - the only way it will work for you).

In the 1st case, you would be in a long-distant relationship, I guess. And that's a tough one. He still has a point about missing out on things. Not just crazy, silly things, but you will loose a chance to date around in such a young age. You need to think carefully about it and be more or less confident about your future together, otherwise it could be a waist of time. But to be honest, it doesn't look good because of your current situation.
How old are both of you, by the way?
If you decide to give it a try, have a talk with him. Say, that you are not worried to miss out on college fun, because you'd rather be in a proper relationship with him. I think it's not the best idea, but you can have this talk without any hopes, just to see what he says - could find out something new about him.

The 2nd case is more painful, but it might be better in a long run. He broke up with you already. He probably likes being with you, but only to some extend, because otherwise he would work hard to stay with you, especially while you are away. It's not worth spending your time with someone who is not sure, if he wants to be with you. Probably there is not that much to lose in case of a real brake up. You told you've been friends before and you spent a long time as a couple, it's natural that brake up was/will be hard, but it should not stop you if it looks like a better choice (it does to me).

[Olenjka10]

Do what he says-get done with the school and see what happens. If he makes you happy- stay with him, at least for now. And , hey, you can act like you are single as well, cause technically, you are, right?