To See A Ghost; or Not To See A Ghost

[doctorelle89]

Hey Guys,

I write to you with great hopes that someone is willing to take their time to read this and offer some unbiased advice. It is kind of a long story but will try my best to condense it as much as possible. Thank you so much in advance.

BACK STORY: I was dating a guy for 2 years. Even though we had a very up and down relationship due to his very erratic behaviour, I was in love with him full heartedly. He was the person I wanted and he was the only person I felt was worth it. He was pretty much everything I wanted. *Over the course of our relationship, his erratic behaviour was always very confusing to me. He was madly in love with me one minute and the next day felt like he couldn't care less. Obviously I knew these were red flags but love is blind. Love became less blind over time and even as smooth as a talker as he was, I am very logical and things just weren't adding up so I automatically assumed the worst and thought he was cheating on me. Time and time again, when I thought I had caught him or had "evidence" enough to finally end things once and for all, nothing ever came up, I would end up finding nothing and because he is now what I can confidently say is a true sociopath, he would gaslight me into thinking I was being paranoid and just looking for ammunition to start a fight (A textbook gaslighter's move). Well as a tale as old as time goes, your intuition is almost always right. And this time, it was not only right, but much worse than I could have ever imagined. Not only was I not the only one, I was the "other woman" in this triangle. He was without even being dramatic, living a double life with another woman for the last THREE years while maintaining a relationship with me for the last two. When I tell you this came out of nowhere, I truly mean it. I was completely blind-sided. Had I not seen photo evidence and documentation with time stamps of everything, there was no reason I could even believe it to be true because of how much it didn't make any sense or it was even possible! Hearing all of the information from her and him being with her, how was it even POSSIBLE for him to be in two places (both literally and metaphorically) at once for SO long in such a small city where everyone knows everyone. This was someone who I invested my heart and my life into completely for the last two years. I am cautious and pragmatic by nature, and yet I felt I was ready to make all of the big life moves-with him (We talked about moving in together, having children in the near future, etc) Usually looking back everything seems to make more sense and start to add up, but everything now, I still do not know how this was possible. But it was. and It happened. I do not consider myself to be an emotional person but upon seeing all the photos of them together over the last 3 years, on vacations, house supply shopping, etc. I just knew and immediately had a major (my very first ever) panic attack and ended up in the hospital for the next 2 days. I obviously cut off all contact with him, his family and his friends immediately. I never let anyone have the opportunity to talk to me or influence me in any way because I was so devastated that I didn't even know where to begin picking up the pieces of my life. He ended up moving across the other side of the country about a week after he found out that I knew everything. The "other woman" ended up moving with him and I haven't heard from or said to a word to him or anyone associated with him since.*

CURRENT: It has been exactly 1 year today that all of this happened. I would like to say time heals all wounds but it certainly does not. The pain pretty much feels as fresh now as it did then. I was in a crazy dark time and have been for the majority of the last year. I just found out that he has broken up with his other girlfriend and has moved back home to where I still live. He wants to see me and talk about everything. Initially my first reaction was FU*K NO, obviously. He lied to me for two years, knew how invested and in love with him I was, and still played me without even batting an eyelash so I figure there is NOTHING he could say that could ever be of any interest to me ever again. However, the more I look introspectively, I somehow wonder if how we broke up, how I handled things (or lack thereof) is maybe the reason why I am still so devastated by all of this a year later. I am a young, very attractive, medical professional about a year away from getting my MD and have lots of interest coming my way to date but I am still so messed up emotionally from everything, that I can't even fathom dating anyone now, or in the near future. I've met many great potentials but I am so scorned that I push them away before they even get a chance. I know when someone does you so wrong, it's obviously going to take some time and trust issues are going to be a thing, but my level is just to a whole other level. I've sought professional counselling services for the last 11 months and worked on getting over this but as I've said before, the pain and the wound is still as fresh as it was 1 year ago. I've a had a few other serious relationships that have ended that I have gotten over relatively easy because time gave clarity to my questions in order to move on and I've never had to drop someone so entirely like this before. I am starting to wonder if at least partially the reason for still being so heartbroken and hurt so long after the fact is the fact that I truly never let him even have a chance to say anything (not that it would matter) but it is quite bizarre to go from talking children with someone to literally never speaking another word to them again. A huge part of my personality and livelihood is, and always has been knowing or understanding how things worked or why things happened. I'm starting to wonder if not giving him the opportunity to say anything or clarify anything has actually been hurting me more than it's been helping me. I wonder if addressing it with him is what I may need to start healing properly and getting on with my life again. I'm barely sleeping (even less than usual) since all of this came up again. I know he doesn't deserve to breathe the same oxygen as I am, but I also wonder if not allowing him the chance to try is what is holding me back. Plus, it's a lot easier to have someone "out of sight, out of mind" when they are on the other side of the country with no chances of running into each other but alas, Satan has returned to my 'hood.*

[madotnw_nihs]

This reminds me Talented Mr. Ripley. Lol, I actually have never seen that movie. But from what I know, it sounds similar to your ex-bf. I can't really recommend whether you should give him the time of day to explain himself. I personally wouldn't care what someone would have to say if they did this to me. If it is something you are seeking, then by all means see what he has to say. You seem super logical and wouldn't get all emotional if you see him and get back with him. Normally, that's what I would fear someone may fall into that trap, but sound like you got your head on straight. if it were me, I would probably be more mad at myself for not being able to sniff out a 3 year lie, and I wouldn't care about him.

- - - Updated - - -

FYI, when I read the title, I thought someone was asking whether we would choose to see a ghost(super natural) or not. Lol.

[doctorelle89]

Hahah true- perhaps the title is misleading.

In response to your response: trust me, I am definitely beyond mad at myself. For someone who prides themself on being intelligent, it’s almost more embarrassing than it is heartbreaking. That being said, even knowing everything I know now, it still doesn’t make sense how he managed; ie: seeing photos of them together on days where I know he was with me all day, etc. However, I also know he’s had 28 years experience of being a deceitful sociopath so I know he’s gotten good at his “craft”. I also have come to the conclusion that since he was with her first and THEN me, I do think that she knew about me but I did not know about her. I was also his “public” girlfriend where i was friends with his friends, family and coworkers and who he showed the world, where as she was more behind the scenes.

In regards to your other very good point, I guess what my dilemma is not whether I want to do HIM the favour of letting him explain or talk to explain what happened but whether it would be the clarity I need to finally move on. I found out on midnight on a Tuesday and by Wednesday morning I had changed my phone number, email and blocked every single person affiliated with him on all forms of social media and never looked back. I think something this crazy obviously will always have an affect on a person but I feel like I’ve done everything to start healing but I’m just as broken and resentful (if not more) than I was a year ago. With any other serious relationship I’ve had, I’ve never had to cut anyone off like this this drastically for this long; communication lines were always open if there was ever anything I needed to say or hear in order to move on and I guess because those situations are so different than this one, I’m wondering if that’s what I need in order to move on in this situation as well. That being said, I don’t know if that’s the piece that’s missing for me because there’s never been any closure in any capacity, or, am I simply asking for trouble by re-opening an old wound?

[GLYC]

Well, first off, I'm really sorry. A similar incident happened to a woman I went to high school and college with, just add in the fact that she had a kid with the man.
It's absolutely terrible that someone can consciously continue that effort for years while you remain in the unknown, just waiting for the eventual truth to come out and the pain. I don't see how somebody can do that, the guilt would eat me alive.

Anyways. So you're hoping that this will possibly give you some closure to everything, its possible, and maybe he is just seeking the same after all of this time.
Obviously if he tries to get back together it's a STRONG no. But I know that's not your intention. I guess I'm afraid of a heated discussion to come up, but who knows, if you can handle that.

I say you do what you want.

I really don't think it will make you feel a ton better afterwords, I'm sure he'll apologize but an apology doesn't do much in cases like this, but on the flip side, it sounds like if you don't hear him out, you will always be curious about what would have been said/what he had to say.

This wasn't a normal breakup. This is the kind of thing that has an affect on how women perceive theur next relationship partners ans it makes them hesitant to trust again.
And relationships can't be built without trust.

Good for you for seeking counseling, and I also respect the fact that you've taken some emotional recovery time before you want to date again.
Thats a great strength to be honest to yourself about things like that. Congrats on the career choice as well, you're definitely a catch and it sounds like you don't have to worry about ever finding a potential partner, you just need to focus on building yourself up to an even bigger, and better person than you've ever been before.

Through all this hurt, you may even become a better version than you were previously.

I think You handled things well, I don't blame enough for just going cold on him. What he did was awful.
Personally, im a big person on communication so I would have let him have a piece of mind just prior to adios'ing. But that's just me haha.

[madotnw_nihs]

Mind telling us how you got those photos? Also it makes sense that he chose you to be his public gf since you seem to be of trophy wife material. I am afraid your dilemma will keep me up all night. Not just the question of suggestions for you, but putting myself in your shoes in the same situation where I am with someone who leads a double life. What kind of signs I would see since I also view myself as very analytical and perceptive. I will update with my thoughts sometime tomorrow. For now, I would suggest you let this go and move on. Even if you speak to him, are you going to whip out those photos and ask him how he pulled off this magic.

[doctorelle89]

I don't mind at all--I received a random message on Facebook from a girl who I had no mutual friends with and had no idea who she was and she said in her message "just to let you know, your boyfriend is a lying scumbag". I replied saying "I think you are confused. Are you talking about *Bob*(changed name)? and then she writes back about an hr later and said "I don't know who wrote you that message before but it wasn't me (even though it was from the same Facebook account she's still currently talking to me on, lol) and then continues to tell me that Bob* is not my boyfriend because he's been dating her friend for the last 3 years. I laughed, thinking this girl was obviously pretty delusional, but then she linked me with her "friend's" profile, and sure enough there he was plastered all over her facebook with pictures dating back 3 years ago and forward. To this day, I believe the girlfriend made a fake account just to message me which alludes to the fact that I'm SURE she had to know about me all that time.

Another crazy thing is that...wait for it... THEY WORKED TOGETHER. The same place of work that I visited him and had lunch dates with him about 2-3x a week because his workplace was close to the hospital. Which begs further intrigue because even if she knew about me, I don't know how she could be so ok with me coming into work to see him so often and pretend everything was normal. Part of me wondered if because they worked together, they were forced to keep it hush hush but her Facebook page is literally just picture after picture of them together-visible for the world to see. So bizarre.

As for being so analytical and perceptive, I knew something wasn't right quite early on but anytime I did some digging, I found nothing (and trust me, I dug!) And still to this day, I don't know how he managed to pull it off. I truly don't, even with everything I know now. He not only lived a double life with me, he lead a double life with everyone because NOBODY knew about her. I think one of the main reasons he jetted to the other side of the country after I found out was because a lot of his friends were really upset with him for lying to them about so many times as well. (Coward!) I have seen pictures of them together from times when he was literally with me all day or weekend. I've seen pictures of them on vacations when he would send me pictures of him at his supposed work conference with time stamps and location services to verify that's where he actually was. To this day, so much of this puzzle doesn't make sense what so ever.

As for the dilemma of meeting up with him or not; I don't even think I would be surprised if he told me he lied about his name. Nothing he says I would ever believe again so it's not like I would need his excuses to bring my closure but I do think I was a very good girlfriend to him. I was patient. I truly loved him even when he didn't deserve it. and HE PLAYED ME FOR YEARS. And I have never gotten so much a word in to express everything he did to me. I honestly don't know if it would even matter if I did. I really am split down the middle of what I should do. Again, I know this kind of deceit is going to affect me going forward but I do genuinely believe my trust issues and emotional damage is far beyond what it should be this far past the event. I am genuinely not being dramatic when I say not only do I not give guys a chance, the thought in my head of even dating anyone (no matter how great they appear) gives me actual nausea. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe whenever I think about it and everything still feels as raw as it did the night I found out. This is not something that I can just push out of my mind. I feel like this event literally rewired how I think and how I perceive everything in my life--good and bad. I just can't help but wonder if this could be the key to start getting back to my old self. I can't be Dr. CatLady at age 27.

[madotnw_nihs]

I thought this over and since the situation is so bizarre, I say just go meet him and give him hell if you want. I normally think nothing good comes out of these type of meetups, but in your case, it can't hurt. I am truly sorry you had to experience this and hope you can meet someone that would restore your belief in men. I think if you let your set your feelings aside and let your brain take over, you can deduce there are good guys out there and you will meet them.

[doctorelle89]

I am still so conflicted so always open to any further perspectives/advice. I think the problem IS my brain and not my feelings. Logically I know that not every guy is a sociopath, a liar, a double-life leader. I don't think I have a negative view of guys at all even after this. I think what it boils down to is, this is someone I spent 2 years of my life with, I invested in and built a life with. The fact that he was so much a part of me and my life, and the fact HE was living a lie and a double-life almost correlates to me living a lie for 2 years as well. I feel I could make sense of it all if it was just him straight forward cheating on me but this again, literally was a double-life. We had a "normal" relationship. This makes me question myself even more than it makes me question other guy's intentions. Everybody knows that hindsight is 20/20 and being so entangled in someone for so long is easy to lose sight in the moment. But the fact of the matter that even in hindsight, nothing makes sense or adds up or answers any questions that keep happening in my mind which I guess is the whole reason why I wondered in the first place if meeting him would help. I honestly don't know. I feel like my brain is what needs answers which makes me pro-meet up but I'm scared my heart can't take it. Sounds super corny/cheesy but that's the best way I can describe.

[Hooo!]

This seems so wrong like out of a bad drama.
The point is sociopaths are GOOD at what they are doing
Really good

And you as a sane harmonic and naturally peaceful person would like him to offer the chance to explain it all
And you know what: I understand the impulse. And I would normally full heartedly support and appreciate the idea of getting closure due to speaking out.

However he is a sociopath
He is not doing this for your good
This person is insane and he is very very good at it. The problem is that sociopaths love manipulating people. They love twisting things and they are truely very gifted at it.
My guess is that he will tell you everything you would like to hear and in the end you will feel sorry for him because your brain will tell you it's real
And this is what he loves.

If you would like we can help you to get some sense of closure. However if you get hurt you feel the pain and you have to live with your injuries. Some heal, some scar others stay open just too long
But the truely marvellous thing is that you can still love, trust and find happiness in your life.

[doctorelle89]

Again, I want to thank everyone for taking time and weighing in and giving advice. A lot of you made super good points.

To elaborate even a little further on everything, I will say a few more things re: the situation. I do believe him to be a sociopath from everything I've learned, researched, etc. Therefore, the point of seeking closure or clarity from him or his words is not something I believe to be possible. I do not think there is anything he could say or even do that would give me any closure because everything he does, doesn't come from a place of genuity.Everything he says or does comes as a means to get what he wants to benefit him. With all of that being said, I feel almost p***** that he has had basically ZERO repercussions of his actions. Once I found out, it was my life, my sanity and my heart that was turned upside down because of his choices. He moved across the country with a girl who not only KNEW about me for two years but was okay with it, and continue to lead a happy, "normal" life with her. He didn't have to address what he did to me. He didn't have to even listen to how he made me feel. He simply just transferred his life with me into his life with someone else and kept moving on. I almost passed up an opportunity to do a clinical rotation in NYC (which is my fav place in the world) because of him. I was willing to put my career on hold for him to consider starting a family with him. It seems that *I*, and only I was the only one to suffer literally ANY consequence of his deceit and lies which to me is crazy.

So with that being said, I don't think it's the notion of meeting up with him to give me the answers I need, but I almost feel he deserves to know the reprecussions of his actions. I am also a very proud person, and I do think I handled myself quite well given the circumstances. In case you forgot, I spent two years with this person and we never even so much as had a CONFRONTATION/conversation after I found out. That is hard to do. I guess, I have just done everything and more that I should to heal and I just figured that after a year, I should be a heck of a lot further along in the healing process than I am so I'm wondering what is the missing link to healing.

[Hooo!]

And telling him how miserable you are will make him feel remorse?
In a normal person it might

I doubt it will with a psychopath
In my humble opinion there is only one thing you can do to shut his influence out of your life.
Do you already know where I'm getting at?

[doctorelle89]

As I posted earlier-I wouldn't be telling him things to make him feel remorseful...and additionally, I literally haven't spoken a SINGLE word to him since I found out 1 year ago+ so I'm not sure how that equates to shut his influence out any more than I already have.

[madotnw_nihs]

My gut feeling is meeting him will infuriate you more. Just try to let this go and forget any way you can. Do you have a pet? Maybe getting a dog will get you through this.

[Hooo!]

What would be the best possible outcome in meeting with him?

[Snow White]

This sounds very similar to another post I had answered and I agree with matow that the title is very misleading. I can not understand how you can say you were "blind sighted" when you felt the whole time he was cheating on you. I am not blaming you in any way, but it always surprises me when women act so shocked when they were suspicious the whole time.

"And I have never gotten so much a word in to express everything he did to me. " I think you need to hear him out. It's not HIS opportunity to make excuses for his behavior, but a chance for you to ask questions and try to understand why he did what he did. The average man could not simply pull off what he did and you need to understand that so you can move on. Unfortunately, you are not the first woman to be taken in by a sociopath. Do whatever you need to do to clear your mind and chalk this unfortunate experience to a lesson learned.