Should I stay or should I go?

[pendulum]

Hi I'm looking for some thoughts or advice on what to do in my current situation. In short, I have found myself in love with somebody other than my wife.

I have been married to my wife for 5 years and we have been seeing each other for about 14 years. She is the only partner I have ever had. I have known the other person for over 10 years. We are all around 30.

This other person and I have been friends for a long time, but she has been working overseas for the last 5-6 years so we no longer see each other very often. However we talk online most nights and when we do occasionally see each other we have the best time. I had a crush on this person not long after we first met and it stayed that way until we stopped hanging out after a couple of years. We would talk online every now and then for a bit, but it was only the last two or so years that we have been talking a lot. It didn't take long for those old feelings to come back. And after a bit they became worse and were more than a crush.

Last year I ended up telling her how I felt. She took it pretty well and admitted she also felt something. I felt like I needed to do something about the situation so I told my wife everything soon afterwards. She was very hurt, but wanted to work it out. I was very conflicted, but decided to do the right thing and work it out with my wife. After telling the other woman my intentions she became extremely upset and stopped contact altogether. When that happened it hit me really hard. I felt like I had totally made the wrong decision. I spent the next 6 months trying to overcome the grief. Things slowly became better, but there was still a lot of sadness. I started seeing a counsellor to work through it. My wife and I also started marriage counselling. My wife and I almost broke up a number of times over this period. One time I did move out, but ended up moving back in. I would also send the occasional message to the other person expressing my thoughts. They would range from being just an update on what is going to asking her to reconsider her decision and be with me, I never received a response.

After almost 6 months, I decided that I had to get on with my life. This person had cut me out and I needed to move on. She was still in my head, but I had to somehow reclaim my life. Before the problems had started my wife and I had been trying to have a child (we stopped while the marriage was in doubt). I figured a good way to move on was to start trying to have a child once more. So now my wife is pregnant.

Not long before I knew my wife was pregnant, the other person emailed saying she wanted to resume contact. She felt enough time had passed and we could stay in contact as friends if I was also willing. I knew this was probably bad news, but went down that path anyway. We both agreed to have limited contact through email and not talk online. Well that lasted about 1 day and before we knew it were talking every day again. Just recently I ended up seeing this person on a trip. We had a great time as usual. But this time it was different, we ended up getting drunk and kissing each other. It was an experience for both of us and we both admit that despite the guilt it did feel good. Having said that, she now wants to put that behind us and stay as friends. She knows my wife is pregnant and does not want to become involved in what could be a very messy scenario.

So now I don't know what to do. I am in love with this person, it's very difficult to hold back from each other. We have known each other for so long and are very good friends as well. I don't want to be bad, but I am also sick of not meeting my own needs. It's not a case of simply growing bored of my wife. The fact is, I have feelings for the other person that I never had for my wife. My wife and I have had relationship problems in the past but I have always tried to do the right thing and try to work it out. I am sick of problems happening and then trying to work it out. I feel like they will just keep happening. Should I consider leaving my wife even though she is pregnant or is it too late now? If there was no pregnancy, ending the marriage would be the obvious option. But now there is a totally innocent third party involved and that changes things a lot.

[Unimare]

Oof, that's quite a pickle indeed. First off, did the counselling help? Did your psychologist suggest anything that you felt was worth considering?
But basically, I think you've handled the situatsion pretty well and tried to do the right thing throughout the whole ordeal. Perhaps your only mistake was replying to the other woman's e-mail after your wife had gotten pregnant. You had decided to move on, so you should have stuck with that and ended contact with the person who apparently you can't be just friends with.
I personally believe that everyone is capable of falling in love an indefinite number of times. There is no ONE right person for everyone, being in love is a temporary high, it's who you choose to be with and work at a relationship with that matters. And at times, it might seem tempting to experience that strong rush of emotions again after you have settled into a comfortable marriage with your longterm partner. As for you, because your wife was basically the only person you've really been with, that temptation might seem stronger. But you have to consider if it's worth losing your wife over. Do you still love her? Do you feel you had a good marriage before you started to have feelings for someone else?
The fact of the matter is, there is no guarantee that if you were to leave your wife and make a new life with this other woman that it would be any better. It might seem overly rational, but like I said, being in love is a temporary phase, it's more to do with how compatible you are with someone. Do you feel that this other woman would make a better partner for you? Is she even interested in that?
And now for the hard part, the baby. I do have to say that I don't think you should leave your wife (if you should decide to do that) while she's pregnant. Stress can have very negative effects on the pregnancy. Maybe be there for your wife, try to find new excitement in the prospects of a new phase in your lives, and put your crush at least on hold.. But if you truly believe the other woman is a better match for you.... oof, a difficult situation indeed. My suggestion is, keep seeing that counsellor, try and work out the best solution with them.

[pendulum]

Thanks for your advice. The psychologist did offer some thoughts on what I am going through. She seems to think that although this is all very painful, that in a lot of ways it's a reflection of me overcoming a lot of my problems. For most of my life I have not been very assertive and have gone along with things because I was too scared to assert myself and didn't want to hurt people. Over the years I have gradually become stronger and more aware of what I want. I was never particularly happy in my current relationship. My parents separated when I was a child due to my father cheating, so I also wanted to avoid a break up because I know how bad those experiences can be. Now I am stronger and more willing to actively make changes and take chances to make myself happy.

My wife is a beautiful person and would do anything for me. But for me, there was always something missing. I understand what you say about being able to fall in love an indefinite amount of time. I have had other crushes in the past. The problem is that I never felt that way about my wife at any stage. I love her, but more in a caring way, not a romantic way. Our marriage is actually quite good, we get along really well and can have a good time together. It's frustrating in many ways it's so perfect. But that critical part at the core isn't there. There have been a number of occasions over the our relationship where I thought it should end, but I always took a deep breath and dived back in to try to make it work. Sadly, I always end up in this same position no matter how hard I try.

I think you are right about staying during the pregnancy. I think this needs to happen no matter what. It will also give me time to think things through. It's going to feel like an act, but I can't bring myself to leave somebody at a time like this. It would seem I am choosing to sacrifice what I want to to safeguard somebody else once again.....

[Nicholas_V]

I think you should come clean with your wife - she deserves that much. I agree that you should wait till a good few weeks after labour. You got yourself caught in a very tricky situation. You also need be clear on what you are considering here: dumping someone who you know, love and get along with for a decade and a half (and now have a family with) for someone you barely know (and you do barely know her - chatting on the internet/spending a night in a hotel is a poor substitute for real contact when it comes to knowing someone).

Talk to your wife - this is the only decent action you can take given the situation. She may decide that she can't get over it and end it there and then.

[pendulum]

I actually know the other person pretty well. We have known each other for 10 years and spent a couple of years seeing each other in real life almost every day. Now we talk online because she is overseas. We haven't spent the night in a hotel together or slept with each other.

[elleda]

.It would seem I am choosing to sacrifice what I want to to safeguard somebody else once again.....

.........um sacrifice what you want?? what you wanted was a child..! unfortunately for a wishy-washy joke of a man like you, that is not a decision that you can go back on. you are weak, immature and moronic. you will definitely get what's coming to you. relationships with someone that you left someone else for NEVER work out. because both of those people have loose morals and bad judgement. shame on you.