Affair resulted in Love Child

[Kelzkat]

Sorry in advance but this is going to be a long one.

I'm 23 years old, my partner is 29, we have been together for 7 years and have been living together to 5 of them.

In 2010, I decided that the career I was in was not where I wanted to be and I wanted to go back to college. After much discussion, my partner and I agreed that I would go back to college for 2 years and he would support us both.

Once I'd started college, I obviously made new friends and I would see them outside of college plus I would see my old work mates some evenings. I was probably out for 2 nights a week max though so nothing major.

My partner didn't really go out much and see his friends so basically I would be going out and he would be staying in on his own.
In October last year I came home from my day at college and he sat me down and told me that he had been seeing someone else for eight months and that she was pregnant!!

I was absolutely devastated! I moved out the following day but he broke down and begged me to stay saying that he loved me and always has and that he never wanted to be with this girl (only being 18 years old!). I moved out anyway and I'm still not living with him, I stopped contact completely to start with but we are now talking and meeting up sometimes.

She decided that she was going to keep the baby and she has now been born and he is seeing her on a weekly basis, paying maintenance etc.

I asked him why he did it in the first place and he said he didn't think I cared about the relationship anymore and he felt lonely. He used to go and see her every Saturday when I would volunteer at a cat rescue. Apparently he had met this girl off the internet, met up with her in January last year just to talk to and most of the time he was crying and talking about how upset he was about me! They then started sleeping together in the March.

Apparently he ended the relationship in August last year as I started questioning why he was acting strange and he basically didn't want to come near me sexually anymore. There were plenty of little things I would notice and spot and think that's not right but just put it down to me being silly as he really isn't the sort of guy you would think would cheat on anyone the way he did, all my friends and family were so shocked when I told them.

Anyway, now I have no idea what to do. I love him so much and I miss us not being together properly. He wants to make a proper go of it and try and make things work. We get on so well and have such a laugh together. There is just this huge infidelity, girl and child that I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. They live about 45 minutes away and as mentioned before, he sees this child on a weekly basis, sometimes twice a week, he drives there and stays for a few hours and then drives down again. He tells me that she tried to kiss him and that he told her that it wasn't what he wanted and she got upset etc etc and nothing like that has happened since. She obviously still wants him but my partner assures me that he does not want her as he would have gone there already which is a fair point I guess.

She knew me and my partner were together as obviously he used to talk and cry about me to her. Apparently she used to ask about me, like when I was getting a new car, she asked what I got in the end...I mean what the hell? Why is she even bothered about me when she was sleeping with him and wanted to be with him!

I want to be able to forgive him, work on us and then eventually accept and meet the child but awful as it sounds, I don't want to see the girl any time soon at all. I don't think I could stomach that. The only problem is that it is so hard at the moment to deal with it all which is obviously what is to be expected. I just can't help but think that if she hadn't have gotten pregnant then it would be easier but then again, I probably would never have found out that he had been seeing her for all this time.

I need advice and honest opinions.

[love_architect]

If you think you are able to forgive it's a good start , but you should know that the girl will always be around you she share something with him, a baby.

[smackie9]

You both go into couples counseling. Forgiving him is only band aiding the situation. You both need to address what happened, why it happened, and how to prevent it from happening again, before you move forward with your relationship. What he did was a symptom of an issue with your relationship and not the problem itself. You must also consider that this baby and the baby's mamma will be in his life forever, and it will always be a constant reminder of the affair. So you better take sometime out to think about getting back with him....it is going to be a long painful recovery.


Note: financially this will take away from the support he can provide for your future children, and household.

[smackie9]

I have to point this out to you right now. I personally would not reconsider going back with him. You were 16 and he was 22...you a teenager, him an adult. Now that you are 23 (adult), he has an affair with an 18 years old(teenager)......do you not see a pattern here? The dude has a problem.

And it wouldn't surprise me that he had other affairs with other teenage girls.....he just got caught this time.

[cheekxs]

So he likes them young huh?

He is a bastard. I think he needs to stay there with her and leave you alone.

He broke your trust. and how will you get the trust back if he have to go every time to her house?
You dont know when or if there are stuff taking place still.
You only have the words he is telling you.

I think he is trouble and a mess. I think staying with him will be a lot of drama in your life.
Cause he keeps going to the person.
So soon or already may be a opportunity that they have to keep it going on.
And what if he feels lonely again? Did he even learn something out of this?

Or is he just missing the comfort.

I think you are on a good way with your school , focus on that!

[smackie9]

Apparently he had met this girl off the internet, met up with her in January last year just to talk to and most of the time he was crying and talking about how upset he was about me! They then started sleeping together in the March.

This goes to show you that he used lies to get her to sleep with him.....he is a predator. I bet if you dig deeper you will find he has been living a double life and has done this before. The
reason he confessed is because that girl threatened him that she would contact you and spill the beans to use that as leverage to have him to herself. It's obvious if she didn't get pregnant he would have never told you about the affair.


You are only 23, you are still young enough to start over with someone else. I recommend that you do.

[magguu]

I think you shd consider yourself fortunate that you don't have a child with this guy ... else both you and that 18yr old girl would be stuck with this creep forever. that is the bright side. get a new life ... it is about time.

[vashti]

Even if he were a good guy (and he doesn't sound like one), I don't think it's a good idea for a young girl like you to throw yourself into a step-mommy situation. You don't even have any children of your own yet, and trust me when I say that step-parenting is a difficult road to travel, and you have NO IDEA what's ahead.

Just get rid of him. You sound like a girl who is going places... don't let him hold you back.