Turning down sex an issue or not if he wants to marry me and tells me he adores me?

[killerbees]

I am a bit frustrated and confused. I am dating the man I want to marry, and he tells me every day how much he loves and wants me and is looking forward to forever. We have only been dating for a few months, and I am worried that he may not be as sexually turned on by me as I would want. I am hoping that it may not be an issue, but I try to be attractive, and am attractive in general, and he tells me that he loves everything about me, but seems to be able to turn down sex with me pretty easily in my opinion, and I am wondering if I should be concerned or not.

We have sex usually about every other day, but when asked, we both said we would be interested in an every day thing. He used to very promiscuous in his past, and says this is the first time he has ever been in love and sure he wanted to marry someone. He sometimes says how much he wants to have sex, then when I get home, he seems more interested in video games (and it hurts and pisses me off to feel #2 to a game), and sometimes forgets about our lovemaking plans, or says he doesn't know why he may not want to sometimes. It is the not knowing why that bothers me. I realize there are days that people are going to be tired and not in the mood, but should I be concerned? It hurts me and then I feel rejected (I do share this with him, and then he apologizes and tells me how much he loves and wants me--but no sex). He explains that this is the first relationship that he has ever felt so strongly for someone, and that he enjoys expressing desire and intimacy in ways other than sex, and this is a first for him. He also said maybe he finds it so beautiful and special when we do make love, that he is afraid to spoil it by doing too often, and would rather build frequency over time to keep it special and intimate. He added that just because we don't have sex, keep in mind that he always wants to--I am not sure what that means. So if that is true, and not just some weird line that means something else in "guy language" (if there is such a thing), then I want to be supportive and try not to bring it up too often and add more pressure to the subject and be thrilled with having a man that treasure the time together so much.

[Gigabitch]

What a crock of shit. You've only been together a couple of months and he doesn't want to "spoil" sex by doing it too much?

This is probably not news to you, but frequency does NOT build over time. It decreases. Right now should be the height of hot-and-heavy, drooling for each other, can't wait to get some sex with you two, and it's not. This will not improve with time.

Unless you want a sex-starved life, think twice about marrying this guy.

[SirWagginston]

Maybe he got a really good game recently. This is even more likely if he plays games with advanced stories and in-game worlds, like KotOR, or something. When I was growing up, there were some games that were just so totally kick-ass that I mysteriously disappeared for a while, as did other members of my social circle who had a secret fondness for such one-player adventures. Video games can sometimes be so involving that they disconnect you from the real world.

Or maybe he's just playing Halo, or something. I wouldn't know.

[Hillbilly]

as a man.,I agree.,men that dont want sex are either weird or getting it someplace else.

[killerbees]

We are both in our twenties. Well, we do have sex about once every or every other day. I told him that I was concerned because we are supposed to be all hot and heavy and all that, and that is when he said he was wanting to build over time and be more consistent, because he used to be more like that when he was promiscuous, and doesn't want us to feel like that at all, and if that were the case, then I'd be ok. Yeah, I definitely don't want to be sex-starved, but maybe I just am more interested in doing it more often? I am used to being more into frequency thatn my partner anyway, but I assumed someone with a promiscuous past was going to want it a lot, but I guess I am mistaking promiscuity, which may just be avoiding serious relationships for wanting sex with someone in a relationship.

And yes, he just started playing a brand new immersive game. We are both gamers, but I know how to hit pause or turn the game off for some sex, and we are working on that because he didn't realize he was doing it. He said to just tap him on the shoulder and tell him it is time, but I feel weird doing that too. To me, I'd hope the desire would be there without me having to stand in front of the T.V. or something. Perhaps I am just being paranoid.

[Hillbilly]

since you having sex several times a week it shows you have interest in one another. Maybe its the quality of the sex that bothers you. One round of awesome sex beats a week of thank you maam sex any day.

[Gigabitch]

Well, it doesn't always have to result in penetration to be affectionate and feel intimate. Are you two touchy-feely with one another, beyond actually getting into bed?

[mrz16]

Start hugging and kissing him while hes playing the game. Test him and if he still seems distracted then you need to give him a big slap.

[killerbees]

I want to thank everyone for thier input--it is interesting and refreshing to see different takes on the situation.

I do enjoy the quality indeed, but I suppose maybe I am being too greedy by wanting that and frequency. Unlike him, I have not been promiscuous at all, so sex is more of a newer and less varied (few partners) experience, especially with someone I love so much.

Yes, we are very touchy feely, and sit together, hold hands, touch, snuggle, kiss and embrace often. He was saying that he really feels that all these activities are intimate and special, and more along what Giga is mentioning, does not need the penetration aspect to feel intimate, but that is just another way of expressing our bond, and he is happy to have expanded intimacy past just sex, which is a new experience to him.

[SirWagginston]

Start hugging and kissing him while hes playing the game. Test him and if he still seems distracted then you need to give him a big slap.

or throw items of clothing at the television until he pauses

[castingstones]

When i was in my early twenties i experienced this same problem you are describing. The girls i dated seemed to "want it" far more often then i did. It just didnt seem as if my sex drive was as strong as their's. I went through the same situation. They couldnt understand why i didnt want it as much. I got all the questions, do you not find me attractive? am i fat? do you not love me? are you getting it somewhere else? None of which were the problem, i just didnt have the desire. I will tell you this though, It does seem to take away from it if your doing it daily or there is always the pressure of it lurking around the corner (constant questions about it). Dont know why, its just that way. I will say, I just turned 29 and its a whole different ball game, my sex drive is through the roof! It might be my age but who knows. I dont really think there is much of an issue here. Daily or every other seems pretty healthy for 2 hard working adults. Remember to change things up, different places, positions, new things etc. GOOD LUCK!

[killerbees]

Oooh, I will try the distracting with affection and clothes tossing during the game.
Castingstones, thanks a lot for your input too--it helps to know that a guy understands that position and that I may be over-reacting. I am a therapist as well, so I am keenly aware of the damage and pressure that can occur if I keep pressuring or asking questions, as you were mentioning certainly can kill the desire or change the feeling--I have been in relationships where this has been an issue, but of course professional training and such does not make it easy to deal with, and I felt lonely since I keep my sex life a secret from family and friends. It seems that maybe my desire level is potentially just higher and general, and probably so because I have a lot less experience, and that I don't really have much to worry about, and that helps a lot.

Thanks again to everyone--I feel much more relieved.

[castingstones]

I really do think you have nothing to worry about, he sounds like a pretty good guy and you seem like a very understanding girl. Just remember to take care of each other and your relationship and you guys will do great.

[killerbees]

*Whew* I feel much better about this now. Thanks everyone--your advice is greatly appreciated!

[vashti]

hahahah

Sex daily or every other day is a *problem*?