When will I stop waiting for the phone to ring?

[derbygirl]

I ended it with my girlfriend, and am glad I did, I suppose. I really needed to cut off contact, as so many of you have posted about (thank you), otherwise I was not going to move on. She just kept stringing me along and I was willing to give up everything for her. Ugh.

Your posts gave me the confidence to do something that was really, really hard for me, and it was the right thing. So thank you.

Anyway, it's been a couple of days and I'm already feeling a lot better. Stronger. Like I've been hit by a truck, but that I will mend someday.

My question right now is...when will I stop waiting for the phone to ring? Most of the time I have accepted that the breakup was for the best, but I miss her so GD much that I expect every phone call to be her. Someone rang my doorbell today and my heart hit the floor. I was so scared and hopeful that it would be her. It was a Girl Scout selling cookies.

I'm keeping busy, I think, and listening to upbeat music and watching funny shows and leaning on my friends, exercising...but at the end of the day I still miss her so very much.

I know everyone is different, but in general, how long do you think it takes to let go of the hope?

[carl1222]

There's really no way to tell ... it differs so much from relationship to relationship. All we can advise is the best way to make it shorter (NO contact) and to assure you that things will gradually improve over time. Although there will be bad days and good days, eventually the good days will start to outnumber the bad days, and someday you will be totally free.

It's not a quick fix though. I'm glad you feel a bit better after a few days, but you're probably in for months of pain. If things go well, you may well be completely over it by the time the leaves turn this autumn.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

Give your mind something to do... start some hobbies.. hang out with friends... the heart heals faster when there are other joys abound.

The last thing you want to do is be alone or at least not distracted by something (tv, hobbie.. etc)... This is just fuel to nurse the dying ember of your affections for her.

Just be kind to your heart and have fun for a while... learn something new... meet new people... and just go out and do some things you may have been wanting to do for a while.

If you keep wondering if you're over her or not... you'll never get over her... kind of similar to the idea --- if you watch a pot it'll never boil. Just don't worry about it.

[Cbrider]

It will stop when you want it to. Its a question of when you will be able to move on. Grieving is normal and like Carl said, there is no set time table.

[Mish]

Give it a few more weeks.

The first week is the worst.

[vashti]

Those girl scount cookies might have helped distract you... especially the Thin Mints.

It will take time. Don't rush yourself.

[derbygirl]

I was thinking of setting myself a deadline for something. Let me give you a little more background, I want to hear what you think.

About a month before she told me she didn't know what she wanted from our relationship, I got busy with work and my kids (3 young ones) and just did not have the time or energy for her. I was so stressed out that I didn't feel attracted to her (or anyone else), I wasn't interested in sex, etc. She took that very personally. I still loved her, but I don't think she believed me because she felt like I'd suddenly switched off. I told her I was confused, because I didn't know why I felt this way, either, and that it was sad and bewildering for me, too.

I really wanted her to be patient with me, but I've been asking her for that all along and she's always ended up pushing.

I told her at that time that I understood if she found someone else, because I felt really shut down and not able to be there for her. I needed to put time and energy into my kids and into my work or we were not going to have a place to live. She doesn't have kids, I don't think she understood.

Looking back on our whole relationship (7 mo.), it was always driven by her insecurities. I think I tried to push her away a couple of times because she was so needy and overbearing. I couldn't breathe in our relationship. She always needed more and more and more.

The thing is, I do love her. We just are not in the same place in terms of maturity. We obviously both have a lot of issues to work on, and I know I need to work on myself away from her, not contacting her, not prolonging the agony.

I'm wondering, though...if I still miss her like this after a month, 6 weeks, two months, would it be irrational to try and contact her and see if she feels the same? I know it would be taking a big risk, but I should be a lot stronger then than I am now, and I think that setting a deadline for myself like that would help me cope with the urge to call her right NOW.

I know she won't be "caught up" with me by then, I know that there's a high likelihood that a relationship between the two of us can't work right now--maybe not even for a few years--but if I do everything I'm supposed to do (exercise, friends, keeping busy, etc.) and I still think of her every day and wish I could hear her voice and see her face, would it be NUTS to contact her?

I really do believe she loves me. We've just both had a hard time with life and relationships. This was also my first relationship with a woman and I think she was not as ready for that as she thought she was.

I don't know--what do you think?

[lovesjoyajm]

I don't think you should give yourself that limit - "if I still miss her in 2 months I will call her." You will inhibit your own progress. You'll just wait for that deadline to be up without doing any work towards getting over her because you have an "out". If you don't have that to look forward to, you'll be forced to do something to make yourself happy besides think about the day you can finally talk to her.

[derbygirl]

That sounds very wise. I guess there is no way through it but through it.

Didn't Churchill say that when you're going through hell, don't stop going?

[derbygirl]

I just tried to call her. I know I shouldn't have. She didn't answer. I'm not surprised.

Ugh. I feel like I am going to die.

[Indignant]

I just tried to call her. I know I shouldn't have. She didn't answer. I'm not surprised.

Ugh. I feel like I am going to die.

you will die. eventually.

[fruitcake]

i think you messed up by calling her. try and be strong...
you've done soooo much already by leaving her and now you need to let go completely.

i wish i was 10% as strong as you....I can't even leave the girl i love

[CocoChanel]

I just tried to call her. I know I shouldn't have. She didn't answer. I'm not surprised.

Ugh. I feel like I am going to die.

you will die. eventually.

ROFL!


Derby... how many times a day do you remind yourself how f'd up the relationship was? Try that.

[derbygirl]

Well, I found out today she is already with someone else. From her new girlfriend.

So while I was standing outside her door Sat. morning with my heart on the line, she was cuddling with someone new. Even on Thur night when she said she believed we were meant to be together, she was already with this girl.

At least now I know the truth.

I'm not ashamed for calling--even though my ex didn't talk to me. At least I found out from someone what the truth was.

Tonight I had a huge, huge cry. I really understood she's not coming back. And even if she did, she's a liar, anyway. Always manipulating me to get what she wants, no matter how much it hurts me.

I've always thought of her demands in terms of how it would affect my kids, but the truth is that she hurt *me* with her games, as well.

Also, she is super dumb because I am *hot*.

[fruitcake]

be strong...