...some heavy duty advice

[miSSleepy]

This is actually regarding my best friend, and I'm the one posting it here for a few reasons, some being:

I've been trying to help her for a while
she says I explain the situation better than her
she doesn't want to make an account here

so here we ago... this will be longish but I need to put things into context:

I met this girl in year 8 at highschool, we were both the not so popular people, but she was especially so. She was ridiculued all through her school life, never had any real friends etc. Through highschool things were even worse, as they usually are, for her. She HATED then people, resentment grew, bitterness, today she still complains about the people in such and such class and certain pranks they played on her.

She never developed any coping strategies. It was always, ignore it, find something else, and hope it will go away. She laid 100% of the blame on humanity and none on herself, so there was 'nothing she could do'.

Anyway, highschool ended and she got into a university some 400-500kilometres away. That included leaving home and moving into a dorm on her own. She thought she was doing fine, but one 2-week visit there and to me it was obvious that she could not cope with this living along arrangement. Her 'friends' rolled their eyes behind her back and used her to no end. She realised that after 2 years and was even more bitter.

Now we're getting to the issue I/she'd like some advice on. She's currently 22, never had a bf, total virgin, never-been-kissed etc. She thinks she's ugly, worthless, boring, you name it, and she has no social skills and lacks in emotional intelligence. No matter how hard I try to improve her view of herself and advise her, it doesn't work. She'll listen, but the next day she doesn't see the pint, doesn't want to take the hard path and purposefuly avoids the things that are difficult or uncomfortable.

A couple of months ago she met a man in the SCA, he's 33. I was very vary of this and told her so, but then I talked to this guy and he seems decent enough from what I know, and they have mutual friends etc so it seems pretty harmless. He's very interested in her and is willing to start a relationship. Right now, she doesn't consider him her boyfriend, but you could say that they're dating.

The problem here is that she is VERY nervous, uncomfortable, and doesn't know what she wants and at times even just tells me that nothing will happen because that's what she's used to. She has told me that she likes him too initially, but now she says she doesn't know because she's so confused and can't even remembber ow she felt about him before she found out her was interested in her.

I asked her if she was attracted to him and she says that she often feels like cuddling or hugging, but kissing turns her off. ANY sort of kissing turns her off. She jokes that she's asexual because she doesn't feel the urge to kiss anyone, even the guys she previously had crushes on.

She doesn't know how to act around guys, especially this one, fails to notice any sort of signals he sends her and is oblivious to what she wants or should be doing. This is really affecting her badly and she's always really stressed, the smallest most trivial things get to her and she's having a really hard time being social (even though she's naturally drawn towards social situations) and has absolutely no will or motivation to spend time on her own when she has to.

I'm at a loss about advising her about this relationship because she's turned into a brick wall, even though she's constantly asking for help. I personally believe she needs counselling or some professional help because she doesn't know who or what she is, but she refuses and says that I'm the only one who can help and who she's willing to ask help from.

[sine24]

I personally believe she needs counselling or some professional help because she doesn't know who or what she is, but she refuses and says that I'm the only one who can help and who she's willing to ask help from.

It sounds like your friend really trusts you and you're obviously doing/saying something right. It's not going to be easy for her to get over her past..it's gonna take a while. She sounds like a very insecure person who lacks self-confidence. You mentioned that she likes to be cuddled and hugged a lot. That tells me that she is need of a lot of affection and reassurance. Kissing just isn't for everybody, and you should let her know that it's okay.

What worries me is that she's with this guy but doesn't feel much towards him. I believe she's just settling for something that makes her feel valued, but she may not like him in that way. She sounds like a person who's carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I think it will really help if she went to see a counsellor..and you can ask if you can sit with her during the sessions. I'm sure she'd open up a little more with someone she trusts. You seem like a good friend so i'd just keep doing what you're doing cos you're certainly important to her.

[vashti]

It sounds like she relies on you too much for validation/advise/comfort. She sounds exhausting. If I were you, the next time she runs some situation by you to see what you think, I would just say something like "wow! interesting... what are you going to do?"

She needs to start being empowered to think for herself and have confidence in her own decisions. Gaining competence will help her develop some self esteem.

[Aura]

The only way she will get more comfortable in relationships and around people is to be around people. She has to make herself go out, make herself be open to friends, etc. If she doesn't do that then nothing will change for her.
If you can, go out with her. Do things with her that make her be around other people. Even if its just going out to dinner. She needs to do little things to build up her confidence.
Her attitude of "shes the victim" needs to change. She needs to stop seeing things that way. I would encourage this relationship she has started. Tell her that it will be a good learning experience. She doesn't have to fall head over heals for him, even though this might happen.
Encourage her to date and go out. Thats all you can really do. The rest is up to her.