He goes to stripper bars every week now, for 3 months - it's hard for me to get over

[darcy]

the fact that he is paying another woman for one-on-one time with her. even if he isn't screwing her, i am going crazy over this. we've been together 13 years and he says he doesn't get lap dances or private shows but every time he goes he takes $100 cash out at the ATM (twice he got $200) so pretty sure he's lying. Why is he lying? Do you think he is paying for a prostitute? I don't even know how much that would cost. It's a dump bar, in an industrial site but he keeps going back, even though it's caused problems between us, even though he said he wouldn't go back (twice he's told me that) and now he admits he's going and will continue to go, and doesn't get private treatment because that would be a breach of trust. So is it me - do I need to get over this? How am I supposed to lay next to him in bed when he comes home plastered at 3 a.m. when I know he makes bad decisions when he's drunk. Do I need to find a way to deal with this or .... or what? what is the alternative. it's tearing me up inside, it's like i'm obsessing about it, i think about it every day, i'm checking his phone and emails because if he lies about this, what else is he lying about? doesn't appear to be cheating, unless you count hanging out with whores cheating, which I kind of do. He is paying naked women to do sexually explicit things for him, what else do you call it? i wish he would quit going, but he won't, even though he knows i don't like it. i've tried to stay calm, not get upset the past 2 times he's went and i feel I'm going to go insane or blow up if I don't say something, but any time I get mad, about anything, he just gets mad at me for getting mad. i feel like trying to do something bad to get him back, but i just want our marraige to work and to not have to leave but i'm honestly considering it. part of me thinks that's something trivial to leave over, but part of me doesn't understand why he lies about it, why it's so important for him to go when he knows it causes great tension between us.

[Wakeup]

I'd be more worried that he's spending $100 of your joint money to get his drink on TWICE a week then I would be about him enjoying the sensual antics of some silly peeler. I hope he's not driving home afterward!

You've asked him to stop going, he won't. Now, you need to have the gurl balls to make a decision to either stop nagging the shit out of him about this and accept that this is the man you've chosen as your life partner OR... (recommended) You leave his drunken ass before he tears down your self-esteem one drunken lap dance at a time and leaves you with no liquid assets while he indulges in his addiction.

Your call, doll. You have complete control over your own actions ~ None whatsoever over anyone elses.

BTW: He lies about it because it's much easier and more fun to go out without having an arguement ringing in his ears. He knows (or takes for granted) that you're not going anywhere no matter what he does (or how much money he spends at it) so he'll just take the shit after the deed while he's confident in his thoughts that you'll get over it until next time. Vicious, crappy cycle, Yes? Your story is not unique, in fact they have a whole group of people that have very similar stories to your own. It's known as Al-anon.

Go to al-anon and get some help with your codependency. Doing that will help you with your need to conrol while you fail at it. It will also help you to make a decision on whether or not you can accept the things you cannot change.

Good luck.

[darcy]

thanks so much - i needed to hear this. you're not the first person to call me co-dependent, and not the first to suggest al-anon. excessive drinking has been going on for years, and he's always been that way so i didn't think i should try to change it. but now we have a 9 year old son. now he takes a flask to work with him every day. on the weekends he mixes his first vodka drink by 8 a.m. you are absolutely right, and I appreciate your time telling me something I think i already knew.

[wilf]

It's not surprising that you're obsessing about it. You wouldn't be human if his behaviour didn't bother you. Nobody should be treated so disrespectfully.
Whatever moral questions arise about him frequenting these places, the important issue is that he is making you feel terrible. That's not love. That's the
opposite of love. It's clear that you cannot bear to carry on like this. I would suggest offering him an ultimatum. You or the strip bars? If the marriage ends, it
will be painful but not as painful as continuing in a marriage where your feelings are not being taken into consideration.

[darcy]

that's what I think too, I guess I just need somebody else's opinion. i appreciate your time and your thoughts.

[Wakeup]

thanks so much - i needed to hear this. you're not the first person to call me co-dependent, and not the first to suggest al-anon. excessive drinking has been going on for years, and he's always been that way so i didn't think i should try to change it. but now we have a 9 year old son. now he takes a flask to work with him every day. on the weekends he mixes his first vodka drink by 8 a.m. you are absolutely right, and I appreciate your time telling me something I think i already knew.

You're welcome, darcy. Time to be strong and break the cycle. Look after yourself first so that you'll be the positive role model that your son needs in his life. You don't want him growing up seeing his father like this while you bicker for control all the while the little guy is being programmed to think that this is normal and all relationship are like this and men drink to exist.

[Boisdevie]

He sounds like a functioning alcoholic in the sense that he's holding down a job but he's drinking way way WAY too much. And he needs to know that unless he sorts this out then you're leaving. He probably won't change though so start working out your escape plan.

[Fruitsss]

i dont like drama or mess so leave him in his shity life , mve on.

to messy

[Hotaru]

I would suggest offering him an ultimatum. You or the strip bars? If the marriage ends, it
will be painful but not as painful as continuing in a marriage where your feelings are not being taken into consideration.

Splitting can also be easier on the kid if his/her home life is noticeably messed up. I can't imagine having this guy around constantly, never even attempting to seek help, is making your son's life any easier.

I agree with wilf, lay it all on the line and if he doesn't put forth serious effort - if he doesn't try or does but quits - then you're going to have to decide if you want to stay and be unhappy...or if you want to leave. It will take work but once it's over, you'll feel proud of yourself.

[darcy]

thanks Fruitsss, you make a good point

[darcy]

thanks for your advice, it's very much appreciated.

[Wakeup]

So, what is your plan of action, Darcy. What's your next step?

[bcgirl]

You are married to an alcoholic. The whole situation can make you go insane. But your original post was about your concern about strip clubs and not so much his drinking. There are a million other pubs, why choose a strip club to get hammered in? There must be something that really appeals to him about seeing naked whores every night. I know all about alcoholism. Was with one for many years, but he never chose to drink at strip clubs. In fact he hated strip clubs and whores trying to make a buck for drugs(after all it is someone's daughter up on that pole). My ex much rather buy his booze and drink at home or on the weekends go to a pub. This didn't really bother me. It would have thrown me off the edge if he chose to frequent sleezy strip bars because it shows what type of person he really is.
After your talks with the hubby, he still refuses to say no to naked girls. Perhaps he is in love with a stripper there? I knew a guy who fell in love with a prostitute. This happens more than you may think. Anyhow, there must be some underlying reason as to why he keeps frequenting these places even after his wife has talked to him about it.

[smackie9]

His problems are not yours. I'll make it easier for you....end the marriage. When you walk away, it might make him realize that he needs to get help. If not, you saved yourself a lot of grief.

[darcy]

you know, that's what i'm thinking. he's been a functioning alcoholic the whole time I've known him, and many years before that and it doesn't really bother me a lot. he was supposed to be going out with friends after work for a few drinks. i even encouraged him, because all he ever did was work and come home. i bought him golf packages, etc. to get him to have a hobby, so when he and a few guys wanted to go down to the local brewery once a week i said "great". then he started closing down the bars, which i didn't really like but hey, i'll try to be cool and there has to be a level of trust in a relationship and he's never done anything like this before. THEN i find out it's a stripper bar. I agree, why go to a strip club? I even went to check out this place and it is such a dive, only 2 pretty girls, the rest were barely attractive. so I'm wondering if it is one of those girls. i keep hoping it's a phase. he didn't go this week, but I get anxious every Wednesday because I think he's going to go - it is making me insane, i just don't think it's right. If there was something I did that truly bothered him I would stop doing it. So it's made me re-evaluate our whole relationship.