Constantly disappointed in others

[shygal]

If you have the patience to read this, thank you! This has been bothering me for a while and I guess this is an appropriate place to talk about it...it might seem frivolous, but it is really stressing me.

I have always been disappointed in others, but recently I have actually fought (verbally) with two girls (my so called best friends) because for once in my life I'm actually speaking my mind and not letting people step all over me. Well, with one of the girls, she eliminated me from her life and so did I. I don't even need to go into the details except, she really hurt me and I still can't believe what happend. As for the other girl, well here goes:
This girl has always been (we've known each other since middle school) a little selfish, manipulative and I have noticed that whenever there's no one around (her BF or her other best friend) THEN she's all after me. BUT if they're around, she kind of neglects me...puts me second place, or third. I used to put up with this for all these years but this year I actually hit the ceiling. To put it short: we were planning to go out somewhere, but as usual she kept changing my program ('no I want to go to the other restaurant because yesterday I went there with my bf' or 'no lets make it later'), though she knows very well that I go around by transport because I dont have a car yet while she has her bf to drive her around. Anyways, in the end we had decided on a place but she said she would confirm the next day. because she needs 'approval'or whatever by her best friend (who I know). Well nearly a week later she writes back and says 'let's meet today' randomly! Needless to say she almost always wastes my time. and sometimes even money. and patience. This time, I told her directly 'You're rude. You and me could have just gone out, without the 'confirmation' of the other girl'. She wrote back saying 'Oh but I thought you wanted to meet the other girl!' (RIGHT. As usual she always turns things around and makes ME feel like she's right and I'm wrong). Anyways I still wrote back, coldly but still I didn't want to break off our relationship. AND GUESS WHAT? She disappeared on me AGAIN. Now recently she randomly wrote to me as if nothing happend. Am I right for feeling this irritated and offended??? I seriously don't know what t do anymore. Completely eliminate her from my life, or think 'Whatever, she'll never change so you might as well be friends'. If I respnd, I feel stupid (because if I do we're back to zero...she'll 'hurt' me AGAIN AND AGAIN) but if I don't respond I also feel stupid (part of me thinks 'oh why am I so harsh and take things so personal, forgive forget and enjoy life!').

And another thing, she doesn't seem to understand the concept that she is rude and needs to do something about it! No, to her nothing happend. So this is why I'm confused because I know she's not like evil at heart, but still her nonchalant attitude is enraging me. What do you guys think?? When is a friend, a true friend??? Shouldn't we accept friends with their flaws?? But then again, isn't it better to be alone that have 'fake' or 'unhealthy' friends? I am unhappy if we do have contact, but I'm also unhappy if we don't. My problem could be that I have too many expectations but seriiously....am I asking for too much? This is my dilemma.

yikes, the length! thanks again...

[Gigabitch]

I read the whole thing.

It's not your job to raise this person like you're her mother or something. It's not your job to teach her manners or to tell her she's rude. Clearly, whoever had that job failed.

Actions speak louder than words. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. Make plans with other people. Instead of having a big confronto-drama with her, just start phasing her out of your life. Every time she's rude, make that one more time you don't hang out with her.

There are literally billions of females in the world to be friends with. You can afford to lose some bitches who don't treat you right. Even no friends for a while would be better than friends who treat you like crap.

[shygal]

Gigabitch, you're so fast! thank you. I always find you inspiring

You know, the thing is in fact, she didn't really have a mother (later on in her life) but apart from that she's always been the independent girl, living as far as possible from her parents so that's another story...

Haha, I always think the way you do 'No friends are better than friends who treat you like crap' but I confess....recently I have had this approach towards these 'friends' of mine (since most of them treat me bad, I treat them equally or ignore them) but I have practically lost them one by one. I am left with almost no friends, literally. And it's not as cool as the quote is!!

[Gigabitch]

Think of what you're going through right now as a transitional phase. This happened to me, too. My high school friends were a bunch of hateful cows and there was an awkward point where I was moving away from them and toward new, better friends. I spent a lot of time by myself then.

It was really good for me. Get some good books to read and try to hold yourself above what those girls are doing. You'll be okay.

[shygal]

Thanks again. I know that one needs to be happy ALONE, and really it's not that I'm not. I do things alone (actually I almost do everything alone) but it's tough when you see other friends having either so many other friends or a few really really close ones. I have neither. And it's not me, it's just the people I meet. I can't relate to many. You're right that one can usually always find better, but I'm realizing that getting older, making friends is more difficult!!!

I hate the way I feel so wishywashy. I know that nobody has the right to step over me and treat me like that, but a part of me also knows that some people are not malicious and really think that what they're doing is not wrong/offensive. I swear this girl is contacting me as if everything is at peace, she can't even read between the lines!! And I get this feeling of almost 'oh let it pass, you can still be friends'. After all, SHE is the one writing to me, contacting me, she just wrote asking if I want to go for a drink, and I am really tempted (after all it's not like she killed anyone).........I'm too nice, or too dumb right?? It could be because neither her bf nor her friend are here. ARGH.

[Chimeros0]

Jeepers,you sound so confused & troubled I might suggest you go visit a specialist...

How old are you?
How many years have you been friends?

[shygal]

Haha! It's my character, indecisive and paranoid. I don't think seeing a therapist about these things would get me anywhere (I don't believe in therapy, unless of course one really has a severe depression or has mental instability that can harm him/herself or others)! This is-thought it seemed obvious- a rant. I'm in my 20s and we have been friends for 11 years. I am though, angry and confused and wanted to see other people's opinions etc.

[Junket]

Just because she's not a bad person doesn't mean she's a good friend.

[Gigabitch]

Just because she's not a bad person doesn't mean she's a good friend.

Exactly.

Sounds like she takes you for granted. You don't have to cut her off completely anyway. She just doesn't make the "best friend" cut, which is reserved for people who know how to act. Doesn't mean you can't ever hang out with her.

I don't believe that anyone is well served by lowering their standards. You HAVE to respect yourself before others will.

Broaden your horizons. I meet people everywhere. Some of them turn out to be friends. If you want to meet new people, put yourself where you would expect to find them. If you like quiet, retiring types, volunteer at the library for a few hours a week. If you want firey, excitable people, volunteer in politics. I'm not trying to sound like Barbara Bush here, but you can really meet some cool people volunteering. They tend to have decent manners and valur the contributions of others, too.

[Junket]

I'm not trying to sound like Barbara Bush here, but you can really meet some cool people volunteering.

I approve of this message.