I want my ex wife back.

[mikeee]

Hello everyone. I'm mike, 31 and new to the forums. Glad I found this place and hoping for some advice.

When I was 20, I started dating my now ex-wife. We dated for 2 years or so, then she proposed to me. Having planned on proposing myself, of course I agreed and we flew to Vegas and got married. For some crazy reason, we both kind of freaked out after the marriage. I think we felt trapped and being so young didn't help much either. We grew apart at the time and in a matter of a few weeks we decided to separate, and eventually divorced.

I still wonder what happened, it didn't really make sense because we had a fairly healthy relationship being boyfriend/girlfriend and finance's. Something about that marriage license took over us.

We were good friends immediately after the divorce. Then she moved to another state. I began to date and she did as well. I completely got over her and I'm quite sure she got over me. We talked and emailed back and forth a lot at first but then it was at most once a year.

For some odd reason, this past year, she has popped in my head a lot. Ive had several dreams per week about her. And I even find myself trying to find similarities in women I date, that I could compare to her. It's just crazy because I went through years of not even thinking about her.

Recently and out of the blue, she moved back to my state, only a couple hours away from my city. I sent her an email letting her know that I'd love to see her again - platonically. Maybe do lunch or something. She wrote back asking if I would call her, and that she could use a friend because she's had some rough times and what not.

Anyway, I can't get her off my mind now. I find myself thinking of what it would be like for us to get back together. I feel we were both unfair to the whole marriage thing because we were so young and thought we'd have a fantasy marriage. But I think we're both grown up now, I'm 31, she is 32. Not 20 and 21. I know it's been a really really long time, and that we're both completely different people now. But our recent conversations over the phone made me feel like I'm falling in love all over again. I'm not going to suggest or assume how she felt, but I sure was happy. I was even nervous when I called her, I never get nervous except on first dates.

Well, I want her back, or I feel like I do. I think the legality of our marriage and divorce is irrelevant in a way, because we were so young and didn't know what we want in life, at all.

I don't know how to even begin to approach the idea of us dating again. Of course I'm not looking to jump back into a marriage, I just want to date again, so we can get to know the "new us". But I have NO IDEA how she feels about that and I'm afraid visiting her will get me attached and I don't want to get rejected.

She asked me to come visit her, which I will do next weekend. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't control my feelings, and I feel like I want to pursue this more than just platonically. I'm self employed and my business is completely mobile so visiting her often, or even moving there is fine with me, if things work out of course.

How should I approach this situation? I appreciate any advice.

[hitch]

Hi Mike,

First and foremost, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but there may be something you can do about this one...that is if she's not seeing anyone. She said that she needed a friend, so establish that first. Don't dive into this head first thinking that you'll be back out in Vegas in no time. Consider what you love about her and what you don't. What scared you about marriage and what didn't. Seriously think about these things and especially her feelings before you even think of going any further than friends. All I can say from experience is be the nice guy. Be her friend, be honest and don't push her into anything. You'll thank yourself later when you wake up in her arms. Good luck bro. If you need anything, send me a PM.

[mikeee]

Thanks for the welcome and the reply. Yes, she mentioned that she is not currently dating anyone.

I appreciate the advice.

[gu_babe]

hi... Although I;m relatively young...
may I say that a chess like tactic is probably what you need.

What is important now is how SHE feels towards you. Does she feel that you were irresponsible when you had the divorce with her? I think it would be better to not make the first move and expose your intentions.
Although years do wash and change the circumstances, I believe that the primary impression always stays.

gdluck

[mikeee]

Thanks gu_babe. Well to be honest, and this sounds crazy, neither one of us really recall what happened exactly. This is what makes it so hard. We were young and stupid enough to do drugs, which we're both clean and have been for years now. Its really not that easy to look 10 years back or so. I look at my little brother who is 21 and all the crazy things and decisions he makes, and I think to myself, my god, I was like that? It's almost unfair to both of us to try to analyze those days at this point.

It's her now, her personality and her smile. Everything about her really just tells me I want to pursue something. This knowing I am 100% different than I was when I was 20. This only assures me that she is also a different person now.

[gu_babe]

but since you described her as a different person, doesn;t it mean an entirely new and fresh relationship? wouldn;t it mean that your ex-wife quality-wise is not your exwife anymore?
If so, the previous marriage should not take any effect into this new relationship

[mikeee]

yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. I'm just hoping that that if I do see her on a more personal level (in the future), that we're on the same page and I don't get hurt after becoming attached all over again. Although I feel kinda crazy about her right now, I know I can back off if I knew this was a bad idea, but I don't know, and don't want to wish I did something when I could have.

[gu_babe]

But relationships are cruel because a person cannot look back once they delve into it.

[mikeee]

But relationships are cruel because a person cannot look back once they delve into it.

thats very true.

[gu_babe]

Is she your first love? sorry to ask because I believe that first loves always enjoys a special status of the persons memories.

[mikeee]

No she wasn't. I dated before her and was in a year long relationship before I met her.

[lovesjoyajm]

I'm not speaking from any experience here, but I think you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. You keep saying how you were so young then and you're both completely different people now. But you keep thinking about her and having dreams about her that can only be based on the experiences you had of/with her, which took place when you were with her 10 years ago. I think you need to either acknowledge that you think your relationship is worth another try BASED on who you were back then, and just HOPE that the things that have changed in the meantime will make you better for each other rather than worse, OR just admit to yourself that this is a random, somewhat unfounded fantasy that could work out, but only if you take it on as a new relationship with a new person - you'll have to get to know her again and don't take for granted that anything is the same, or that anything is different, than it was before.

[mikeee]

I'm not speaking from any experience here, but I think you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. You keep saying how you were so young then and you're both completely different people now. But you keep thinking about her and having dreams about her that can only be based on the experiences you had of/with her, which took place when you were with her 10 years ago. I think you need to either acknowledge that you think your relationship is worth another try BASED on who you were back then, and just HOPE that the things that have changed in the meantime will make you better for each other rather than worse, OR just admit to yourself that this is a random, somewhat unfounded fantasy that could work out, but only if you take it on as a new relationship with a new person - you'll have to get to know her again and don't take for granted that anything is the same, or that anything is different, than it was before.

Yes, of course dreams are because of past experiences, not that I see any of my past in my dreams, just random dreams and she is in them. Thats not really important though, I only mentioned that because I thought it was odd that after so many years, it would just pop up suddenly.

I'm hoping for the best. I don't know what will come of it. I see what you're saying, but I cant admit this is a fantasy, I cant assume anything at this point. If I could, I wouldn't be here asking for advice. But my main concern really, is how I would go about adjusting from friendship to something more, IF anything materializes of course. By this I mean

[misombra]

it will just come naturally. i wouldn't even worry about that right now. just hang out and see how things go.

[Gigabitch]

Mike, I am optimistic about your situation. I believe that you two imprinted emotionally on one another a long time ago and that's a powerful thing.

Try to see her through today's eyes and not apply nostalgic romanticism to her. Maybe she's ready for you now. It sounds like you're ready for her.

One thing, though. She's clearly stated that she needs someone right now. DO NOT get back into her life if you think you are at all likely to wig out and leave her hanging. I'll bet she holds you in a very special place in her heart- you could really hurt this woman. Don't.