Lost and in need of help - Marriage and the bedroom!

[Whitepony]

Ok, so I don’t really know where to start, I guess maybe my thoughts are that it would be best to explain why I am here, what it is that I feel I need and then to explain the situation!

I’m here because I am feeling lost and don’t know what to do. I’m at my wits end and need some help and advice about some problems in the bedroom and with my marriage!

I am hoping that I may find some advice and/or some help from someone who has been in a similar situation or can see my issue from a different perspective and maybe help me to realise a solution that I have not considered.
I am 29 and my wife is 28, we have been married for 6 and ½ years and we have a daughter who is just a little over 5. We married after what I guess you would call a whirlwind romance (we got married after 6 months). I love her and she loves me and we do our best to be happy and live our lives.

Unfortunately though things are not so great in the bedroom! When we were dating things were good, we used to kiss a lot, cuddle, and hold hands though we didn’t have sex with each other till we were actually married! For the first few months things seemed to go fine and then my wife got pregnant and unfortunately became quite ill a few months into the pregnancy (due to existing medical problems). Our daughter is fine, but my wife lost her sex drive. I guess we both (maybe me more than her) just assumed that after a bit of time things would eventually go back to how they were.

It’s been this way now since about October 2004 and if I’m lucky I get to have sex about once every two to three months...if I’m unlucky it can be more like four to 5 months between sex (and again it’s once and then I just have to wait till she feels in the mood again). She has full control over when we have sex and how long it lasts and even what happens. It’s not one of those things that someone would really like to admit to, but I’ve resorted to quite a bit of masturbation to try and keep things in check, but it’s not really working anymore. I find that I’m horny all the time and that I just miss that physical and emotional contact that comes from sex and being close with someone.

As a little more information, my wife suffers from Lupus (lupus, is a chronic autoimmune connective tissue disease) and this leaves her very tired, maker her body and joints very tired and because of this she cannot work and is registered disabled. She also isn’t a very physical person and doesn’t like or feel the need to cuddle, hold hands or kiss all the time (in public or private) and feels that it’s actually quite immature to do so and that acting like hormonal teenagers does not fit into a relationship. She doesn’t seem to have any desire for sex and if we do have sex she tires out before me. She also worries about her weight and feels that she is fat and not very attractive, although I feel the opposite and am very attracted to her.

We have tried talking about it and trying to spice things up, do it a bit different, but nothing has worked and she feels that I am the one with the problem because I want sex all the time and so it’s not her issue. She also feels that is the circumstances that she doesn’t really like or want sex that she is being very reasonable and understanding by having it as often as she does. It’s driving me crazy and I can’t get her to understand or see it from my point of view and she doesn’t want counselling.
So we have tried talking, I have tried playing hard to get (though that really doesn’t work!!), I’ve tried being nice (buying flowers, gifts, etc), flirting, pushing for sex, not pushing for sex, being understanding, cuddling without trying for sex.

Now maybe you can see why I am at my wits end and that I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to force her to have sex and I feel that leaving her because she won’t have sex with me is selfish and wrong, after all I do love her and I have tried to give her space and support her. But I feel left out, unwanted, I don’t feel sexy or attractive and it’s becoming very depressing and hard.

So if anyone can offer any advice or help it would be greatly appreciated!

[girl68]

sex 3 times a year is NOT REASONABLE (not even close to reasonable).

[Whitepony]

Well I agree, unfortunately seeing as she feels she doesn't want sex and so her goal would be 0 times a year she seems 3 times a year being very reasonable and I just can;t seem to make her understand or see it any other way!

[Sonrisa]

could we please remember that the poor thing has LUPUS?

[SirWagginston]

could we please remember that the poor thing has LUPUS?

I'm not convinced that's the reason for their sexlessness. If it were, she would make it about that, and say that the disease makes it difficult and he isn't trying hard to come up with good solutions. What she apparently has said, though, is that the OP's sex drive is unreasonably high, which implies that hers is normal. The least she could do is validate his feelings by saying something like, "I know my sex drive is too low because of the problems I struggle with. I am sorry and appreciate you putting up with it." As is stands, it sound like she is trying to shove the blame on him, when clearly it's on either her or her disease... but I'm guessing her at this point.

[vashti]

She's got a chronic, serious medical condition that is oftentimes very painful. It is unreasonable to expect her sex drive to be like that of a healthy person.

However, YOU are not ill, and it is equally unreasonable to expect you to sacrifice a relatively normal sex life.

Have you considered asking her how she'd feel about you taking on a discreet mistress?

[SirWagginston]

She's got a chronic, serious medical condition that is oftentimes very painful. It is unreasonable to expect her sex drive to be like that of a healthy person.

However, YOU are not ill, and it is equally unreasonable to expect you to sacrifice a relatively normal sex life.

Have you considered asking her how she'd feel about you taking on a discreet mistress?

That advice makes sense, but only if his wife will admit that his sex drive is not abnormal, and that their sexlessness is a real problem that she has to worry about, too.