so i broke up with my bf

[valhensing]

well, for those who have been here for the last few weeks and have read some of my post about my bf (eg.[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/36318-boyfriends-ego.html[/url])

i cant do it any more.

I've tried to make this work. I take on more jobs to support my bf and i financially to wait until he has finaly found his only self back but today is my limit.

Sitting here for the last 4hours on a saturday to try finish some freelance job and get the money, my bf is sitting next to me playing game the whole time. The thing scare me the most isnt he doesnt find a job but the fact that he is glued to computer game trying to escape reality.

I'm no fan of the reality but that isnt the behaviour i want to see from people. Life is hard but you cant just abandon people for your own escape. If you really afford to do it? Fine. But my bf cant afford it. I cant support him forever, his mother cant support him forever. What happens if one of us or both of us die? My bf stave to death?

He has been telling me he would take a part time job after he finish his exam, now he had finished it and still, he's playing game.

We got into an argurment about why he doesnt just get out of this slump and do something. He told me bluntly he thinks he worked hard but he's got nothing while people who dont work hard at all (me for an example) get more than he does. So he doesnt want to work hard any more (means no working at all)

I've let him to bad mouth me for the last couple of months for getting a job only because i'm a girl, i've endured everything and today, he said if i want to feel better (because i told him his behaviour affect me as well, i cant live like this) why dont i just leave him.

i worked so hard for this

[valhensing]

confused......................................

[valhensing]

so he sent me an email explain stuffs
Say he couldnt face me because he cant bare the disappoinment on my face. Isnt it a cliche?
I dont want to break up with my bf. I really dont. I dont have any problem with him but i cant be with him if he cant get past himself and be the man i need him to be (ok, another cliche, he said he has always need to follow my wish, it's all about me, he cant express himself)

[qwertz]

he is a waste of space, you are better off without him

[valhensing]

qwerty123, you always make my heart melts

[valhensing]

keep going people, i just got off of a 4 years long relationship. I need the condolences

[qwertz]

just keep thinking of the reason you broke up with him, and everytime you feel bad about it, think of him gaming all day.

[vashti]

Good for you for finally getting rid of him. He sounds like a waste of space. It might take a little time to get used to being without him there, dragging you down, but you'll feel better after a few months.

[shheadz]

It sounds like you're making the right decision. I went through this with a family member many years ago. She quit her job (for good reasons) and spent the next year of her life sitting on the couch watching TV, and feeling bad about herself. The only thing that put an end to the pity-party is the unemployment money ran out, and she was forced to get a job. After a few months of working and she was back to her old self.

Right now you (and his mom) are your BF's unemployment money. He's not going to be his old self again until you cut him off, and that means breaking up with him. Who knows.. maybe after a couple months of him working again you two can get back together. He doesn't really sound like a bad guy, he's just going through a period in his life, and you're enabling him. You're gonna have to really break up with him though. No threats. Actually do it.

[valhensing]

It sounds like you're making the right decision. I went through this with a family member many years ago. She quit her job (for good reasons) and spent the next year of her life sitting on the couch watching TV, and feeling bad about herself. The only thing that put an end to the pity-party is the unemployment money ran out, and she was forced to get a job. After a few months of working and she was back to her old self.

Right now you (and his mom) are your BF's unemployment money. He's not going to be his old self again until you cut him off, and that means breaking up with him. Who knows.. maybe after a couple months of him working again you two can get back together. He doesn't really sound like a bad guy, he's just going through a period in his life, and you're enabling him. You're gonna have to really break up with him though. No threats. Actually do it.

that's wasnt a threat. I mean it. If i was him, i would go the distance to keep this relationship work but he doesnt even want to lift a finger (all i'm hurt).

I KNOW that if he just get a job and start working on it, he would be back to normal but he refuses to take it to break the slump. It's just a small + hard step to do but it necessary to make everything work but he cant do it.

I love him, guys. But i cant bare to see him destroying himself. He can do it without me

[kms]

In order to help him, you have to stop enabling him and giving him everything. This is not helping - that is hurting him. By walking away, you will force him to take responsibility. He has no choice now but to take care of himself. For a while, he may still believe you'll come back and may not take any action. But, over time, it'll sink in very heavily that you ARE gone. And he IS alone, and he has bills to pay and no one giving him the money to pay it. You leaving him is a wake up call for him to start living again and participating in life. He has proven that he can't do that with you there. The only choice is for you to leave in order to help him.

I had to do that a few years ago. After 2 years of being together, I finally walked out. He was either playing video games or sleeping all the time, while I was going to grad school full time and working. He didn't have an income for most of the time we were together, so we used my student loan money and the money from my job to get by (which didn't work out so well - our electricity got shut off a few times!). I was at wit's end. He wouldn't even talk to me about any of it - if it was something trivial and funny he'd talk, but anything else he'd shut down and run into the computer room and slam the door. I was at the brink of quitting grad school and trying to find a full time job. He also started working finally, but he hated it and threatened to quit every day. In fact, after a few weeks, he put his two weeks' notice in. I was out of ideas and out of patience. So I left - I couldn't take it anymore. I cared about him a great deal, but more like a mother cares about a child. I wasn't attracted to him; I'd lost that long ago, and he would never even have real conversations with me (if I tried he would just make a joke and evade it by leaving or changing the subject). I left, and he became really desperate. He tried contacting me incessantly, but since I had already left him twice before (I had intended to come back though in those cases), I knew that despite his begging, he would return to his normal self by the next day. I cut communication off with him and just tried to endure it. It was VERY hard. I hated to see him hurting and going through such a hard time, but what I realized was that we can't protect others from the consequences of their own actions. We can't be the savior of the entire world. This is part of being human - making mistakes, and suffering the consequences of those mistakes. I had to let him go through that. Let me tell you, I cried a lot too, even though I was the one who had left.

Now, the last thing I heard about him was that he is in another country, working on a PhD!! I'm so happy to hear that he made such a huge turnaround - from being a guy who barely graduated college with no initiative and desire to do anything for himself - to being almost done with a PhD by this point! I'm so proud of him. But I know that he probably wouldn't have gotten to this point if I were still in his life.

My life is much better now too. I learned so much about myself and that I can't 'save' everyone I meet. I would never have learned all of that without this experience - and honestly, I would never take that experience back either; it was very valuable.

I hope it's the same case for you and him.

[IndiReloaded]

kms is my new fave poster. Saves me typing.

[IndiReloaded]

keep going people, i just got off of a 4 years long relationship. I need the condolences

You are doing the right thing. Kudos. Some people like your BF need to hit rock-bottom and have their legs kicked out from under them before they will get off their ass.

Sucks for you, b/c your relationship is the sacrifice required for his epiphany, but sometimes I think people come into each others lives for just this purpose.

Keep growing Val, you are doing a great job. Perhaps one day, your ex will thank you for what you did for him. Like kms. But don't expect it, tough love is a hard pill for many to swallow.

[valhensing]

In order to help him, you have to stop enabling him and giving him everything. This is not helping - that is hurting him. By walking away, you will force him to take responsibility. He has no choice now but to take care of himself. For a while, he may still believe you'll come back and may not take any action. But, over time, it'll sink in very heavily that you ARE gone. And he IS alone, and he has bills to pay and no one giving him the money to pay it. You leaving him is a wake up call for him to start living again and participating in life. He has proven that he can't do that with you there. The only choice is for you to leave in order to help him.

I had to do that a few years ago. After 2 years of being together, I finally walked out. He was either playing video games or sleeping all the time, while I was going to grad school full time and working. He didn't have an income for most of the time we were together, so we used my student loan money and the money from my job to get by (which didn't work out so well - our electricity got shut off a few times!). I was at wit's end. He wouldn't even talk to me about any of it - if it was something trivial and funny he'd talk, but anything else he'd shut down and run into the computer room and slam the door. I was at the brink of quitting grad school and trying to find a full time job. He also started working finally, but he hated it and threatened to quit every day. In fact, after a few weeks, he put his two weeks' notice in. I was out of ideas and out of patience. So I left - I couldn't take it anymore. I cared about him a great deal, but more like a mother cares about a child. I wasn't attracted to him; I'd lost that long ago, and he would never even have real conversations with me (if I tried he would just make a joke and evade it by leaving or changing the subject). I left, and he became really desperate. He tried contacting me incessantly, but since I had already left him twice before (I had intended to come back though in those cases), I knew that despite his begging, he would return to his normal self by the next day. I cut communication off with him and just tried to endure it. It was VERY hard. I hated to see him hurting and going through such a hard time, but what I realized was that we can't protect others from the consequences of their own actions. We can't be the savior of the entire world. This is part of being human - making mistakes, and suffering the consequences of those mistakes. I had to let him go through that. Let me tell you, I cried a lot too, even though I was the one who had left.

Now, the last thing I heard about him was that he is in another country, working on a PhD!! I'm so happy to hear that he made such a huge turnaround - from being a guy who barely graduated college with no initiative and desire to do anything for himself - to being almost done with a PhD by this point! I'm so proud of him. But I know that he probably wouldn't have gotten to this point if I were still in his life.

My life is much better now too. I learned so much about myself and that I can't 'save' everyone I meet. I would never have learned all of that without this experience - and honestly, I would never take that experience back either; it was very valuable.

I hope it's the same case for you and him.

yes, that what's i think would help him too. But i cant get over the fact that we cant be together. How can it be that the best thing for him is not having me around. How can this happen?

I dont know how i would live without him. I pictured us together until the end when we all old and die of age or something. How can it be that the only thing would help him is for not having me as his gf.

But i understand if i want him to be a better person, i have to leave him. If i love him at all, i have to leave him. It's for his own good.

[valhensing]

there isnt any way for us to be together again at all isnt it? If i go back, he would just live like what he's doing now, wouldnt he?