To Separate or stay with wife.....

[dreamer1976]

I am in my 30's and have been happily with the same woman for 11 years, married for 5.

Over the past 7 or 8 months I've been feeling less and less 'In Love' with this woman. From the start we've been everything for each other, and I really loved her, but the passion seems to be gone. When I am alone or out, I actually welcome the time alone and when we're going out on the weekend or stay at home watch tv, etc, I am looking forward to time alone without her.

I REALLY care for her and still love her. The thought of leaving her leaves me in tears, and I'm not an emotional person at all.

I've spoke with her about this and we're thinking of separating at least temporarily. She is a very strong woman, and is taking this very well I must say, me I am a mess. I feel like I am hurting her if I stay or pretend to be the same loving husband I've been before.

I know she loves me more than anything and it's killing me inside that I have to hurt this woman in this way.

I'm afraid that if we do separate, we might not be able to reconnect and that will be it. Or she or I meets someone else, who knows. I have not thought about spending my life without her and I don't know what I can do.

We have no kids, but have a house (which I'd give to her), few cars, and she has a good income from her work.

Anyone with any insight would be golden.

ps. Marriage counseling is out of the question. It would just make us say false promises and she does NOT deserve fakeness or lies from someone she loves.

[Junket]

How's the sex?

[cewzp4]

ps. Marriage counseling is out of the question. It would just make us say false promises and she does NOT deserve fakeness or lies from someone she loves.

That doesn't make any sense. You aren't asked to lie to each other in counseling, you are asked to try to work things out and given strategies to work on your marriage.

Anyway, try the separation if you think that's a good idea.

[dreamer1976]

The sex is non existent for the past few months, and it's been slow (few a month) for the past year and a half.

Used to be HOT and WILD until the past few years.

Everyone I asked who has done marriage counseling told me not to bother.

[vashti]

You say she is taking this very well.... I hate to point out the obvious, but maybe she is kind of happy to be rid of you, at least for a while?

[Junket]

I feel like with situations like these, there's a lot that hasn't been revealed yet.

[Gigabitch]

I know a couple that was brought back together by a very good counselor. I think you should at least give it a shot. You have a proven track record of happiness. I think you're making a mistake by quitting without trying something as easily available as counseling.

[aku738]

dreamer 1976

I'm a new baby here in the forum... I understood your situation because I've been asking myself lately about my 12 years of marriage. Difference was I have a son (11 years old) and I think that is the connection brought us together.

My husband and I never said "loves" and I have forgot why we have married in the first place. Passion? Maybe... I do understood as times passing by, "passion" and "loves" might getting less and less... responsibility and comfort are getting stronger...

Anyway, don't get me wrong but why do you married in the first place? You do understand that passionate doesn't last forever after a long term of commitment, do you?

[Harte]

aku

Don't think you can categorically make a statement like that "You do understand that passionate doesn't last forever after a long term of commitment, do you? "

That is not an absolute, maybe from your experience not from mine.

[IndiReloaded]

aku

Don't think you can categorically make a statement like that "You do understand that passionate doesn't last forever after a long term of commitment, do you? "

That is not an absolute, maybe from your experience not from mine.

You are so full of shit, Harte. LOL.

Here you go, Dreamer. This will help:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/28296-stages-marriage-long-term-relationship.html[/url]

Have to say I kind of agree about the counselling sucking. It seems to really depend on the personality of the people involved. The other thing it does, is give TIME for issues to percolate. This has merit.

[Seradin DaCuir]

I am going through a very rough patch with my wife right now. While today is better than yesterday, I am not out of the woodwork yet.

For starters, you need to stop and pause for awhile on what you're going to do. I am going to tell you simply and straight forward, love wanes over time. It's strong. It's weak. It's strong again. It cannot be strong 100% all the time. When it's weak, you fall on other attributes of your marriage; friendship, respect, caring, etc. When love comes back, that's a plus.

You need to buy TODAY a book called "Being The Strong Man A Women Wants" by Elliot Katz. Read it at least TWO TIMES! I 100% guarantee answers to this situation are in that book and I 100% guarantee you will be a better and different man once you read it. That's your first step. (and don't tell the wife you got the book or you read it! This book is for men) I believe all Western men need this book to survive in today's relationship minefield.

Being alone or away from your wife and being happy that is in fact is a good thing. You cannot spend time with your wife 100% of the time. It gets old and boring. You don't spend 100% of the time with your buddies do you? They'ed get sick of you and probably not want to see you ever. Again, answers to these questions are found in the book I referred to above.

Separation is definitely an option, but if you're thinking it will make you want to be together again (as in closer) that is definitetly possible, however there is also a chance it will drive you apart and break the relationship down for good. Not saying "don't do it," I am just telling you the reality of the situation. My wife and I discussed the same thing, and we made a decision to "commit" to make things work. If that process broke down, we'd consider separation. But you have to take that for what it is; you're removing yourself from someone else in order to want them back. On one level, that sounds ludicrus, and on another, it makes sense. The examples you have provided are totally valid.

Choosing NOT to have the marriange counciling option is a BAD idea! Marriage counciling WORKS! We're doing it right now, and it's making the process function and move forward. (the rest is up to her and I) DON'T REFUTE IT! I DIDINT THE BEGINNING, AND MY WIVE'S BAGS WERE PACKED AND SHE WAS ONE STEP OUT OF THE DOOR BECAUSE I REFUSED OVER AND OVER AGAIN NOT TO GO! The reasons you are giving for not going are 100% BS.

Someone else posted this here. Not taking credit for this, but I read it all the time:

Being married for 25 years (eh yes, to the same person, before someone asks that question) I can only say one thing: a healthy marriage is A LOT OF WORK, but all the work pays off.

In my opinion, the most important ingredients of a healthy marriage are:

- good communication skills (talking and more importantly LISTENING (yes guys.. we are really bad when it comes to that);
- fight fair (no blows under the belt) when you have an argument;
- learn to accept your partner as he or she is (don't try to change your partner);
- trust your partner (no room for jealousy, hip joining, spying, getting strange thoughts in your mind, etc...);
- commitment (has to come from both sides).. no commitment = no willingness to work on a relation;
- a good dose of humor (you figure that one out for yourself);
- surprise your partner (do the unexpected, frequently, don't fall into a routine, don't take your partner for granted);
- make time for each other (yeah, turn of that phone, tv, computer, whatever it is and spend time together);
- respect your partner (eh? yeah.. R E S P E C T), it's OK to be different, after all, you're both individuals;
- support and encourage your partner in whatever they want to do (even if it sounds silly to you that your partner wants to take singing lessons and it sounds horrible);
- learn to forgive (that means, no resentment once things are talked out, no beating dead horses);
- give your partner personal space when they need it (this should be a no-brainer);
- spoil your partner for no reason what so ever (hey.. who doesn't like to be spoiled?);
- sex.. sex.. sex.. and even more sex... anywhere, anytime.. it's good, it's great, it's wonderfull.
- whatever I forgot to list here but I think you guys are getting the idea.

And one little tip for men: if she ever asks you why you love her so much, simply answer: because she deserves it.

Nobody said it would be easy

Good luck!

I am in my 30's and have been happily with the same woman for 11 years, married for 5.

Over the past 7 or 8 months I've been feeling less and less 'In Love' with this woman. From the start we've been everything for each other, and I really loved her, but the passion seems to be gone. When I am alone or out, I actually welcome the time alone and when we're going out on the weekend or stay at home watch tv, etc, I am looking forward to time alone without her.

I REALLY care for her and still love her. The thought of leaving her leaves me in tears, and I'm not an emotional person at all.

I've spoke with her about this and we're thinking of separating at least temporarily. She is a very strong woman, and is taking this very well I must say, me I am a mess. I feel like I am hurting her if I stay or pretend to be the same loving husband I've been before.

I know she loves me more than anything and it's killing me inside that I have to hurt this woman in this way.

I'm afraid that if we do separate, we might not be able to reconnect and that will be it. Or she or I meets someone else, who knows. I have not thought about spending my life without her and I don't know what I can do.

We have no kids, but have a house (which I'd give to her), few cars, and she has a good income from her work.

Anyone with any insight would be golden.

ps. Marriage counseling is out of the question. It would just make us say false promises and she does NOT deserve fakeness or lies from someone she loves.

[IndiReloaded]

Here's something you apparently didn't discuss in counsellng: make your point to men early and concisely.

You lost your point to guys by putting it at the end of that huge post.

I am going through a very rough patch with my wife right now. While today is better than yesterday, I am not out of the woodwork yet.

For starters, you need to stop and pause for awhile on what you're going to do. I am going to tell you simply and straight forward, love wanes over time. It's strong. It's weak. It's strong again. It cannot be strong 100% all the time. When it's weak, you fall on other attributes of your marriage; friendship, respect, caring, etc. When love comes back, that's a plus.

You need to buy TODAY a book called "Being The Strong Man A Women Wants" by Elliot Katz. Read it at least TWO TIMES! I 100% guarantee answers to this situation are in that book and I 100% guarantee you will be a better and different man once you read it. That's your first step. (and don't tell the wife you got the book or you read it! This book is for men) I believe all Western men need this book to survive in today's relationship minefield.

Being alone or away from your wife and being happy that is in fact is a good thing. You cannot spend time with your wife 100% of the time. It gets old and boring. You don't spend 100% of the time with your buddies do you? They'ed get sick of you and probably not want to see you ever. Again, answers to these questions are found in the book I referred to above.

Separation is definitely an option, but if you're thinking it will make you want to be together again (as in closer) that is definitetly possible, however there is also a chance it will drive you apart and break the relationship down for good. Not saying "don't do it," I am just telling you the reality of the situation. My wife and I discussed the same thing, and we made a decision to "commit" to make things work. If that process broke down, we'd consider separation. But you have to take that for what it is; you're removing yourself from someone else in order to want them back. On one level, that sounds ludicrus, and on another, it makes sense. The examples you have provided are totally valid.

Choosing NOT to have the marriange counciling option is a BAD idea! Marriage counciling WORKS! We're doing it right now, and it's making the process function and move forward. (the rest is up to her and I) DON'T REFUTE IT! I DIDINT THE BEGINNING, AND MY WIVE'S BAGS WERE PACKED AND SHE WAS ONE STEP OUT OF THE DOOR BECAUSE I REFUSED OVER AND OVER AGAIN NOT TO GO! The reasons you are giving for not going are 100% BS.

Someone else posted this here. Not taking credit for this, but I read it all the time:

Being married for 25 years (eh yes, to the same person, before someone asks that question) I can only say one thing: a healthy marriage is A LOT OF WORK, but all the work pays off.

In my opinion, the most important ingredients of a healthy marriage are:

- good communication skills (talking and more importantly LISTENING (yes guys.. we are really bad when it comes to that);
- fight fair (no blows under the belt) when you have an argument;
- learn to accept your partner as he or she is (don't try to change your partner);
- trust your partner (no room for jealousy, hip joining, spying, getting strange thoughts in your mind, etc...);
- commitment (has to come from both sides).. no commitment = no willingness to work on a relation;
- a good dose of humor (you figure that one out for yourself);
- surprise your partner (do the unexpected, frequently, don't fall into a routine, don't take your partner for granted);
- make time for each other (yeah, turn of that phone, tv, computer, whatever it is and spend time together);
- respect your partner (eh? yeah.. R E S P E C T), it's OK to be different, after all, you're both individuals;
- support and encourage your partner in whatever they want to do (even if it sounds silly to you that your partner wants to take singing lessons and it sounds horrible);
- learn to forgive (that means, no resentment once things are talked out, no beating dead horses);
- give your partner personal space when they need it (this should be a no-brainer);
- spoil your partner for no reason what so ever (hey.. who doesn't like to be spoiled?);
- sex.. sex.. sex.. and even more sex... anywhere, anytime.. it's good, it's great, it's wonderfull.
- whatever I forgot to list here but I think you guys are getting the idea.

And one little tip for men: if she ever asks you why you love her so much, simply answer: because she deserves it.

Nobody said it would be easy

Good luck!

[dreamer1976]

Thanks for all the help everyone.

Another part I forgot to add, is that she does not want any kids and even though I did not think that would be an issue before. It is in my mind.

She is acting strong, but I can't get past the feeling of hurting her forever if I do leave.

On the other hand , the idea of change as simple as apartment hunting is actually exciting to me.

She says she wants me to do whatever I need to and if that's letting me 'go', then she's willing to do it because she loves me. (can you say knife in my heart? (not from her))

I feel the need for change as I kind of feel maybe we're in a Marriage of comfortability or something like that.

[Junket]

You're bored.

[Seradin DaCuir]

Thanks for all the help everyone.

Another part I forgot to add, is that she does not want any kids and even though I did not think that would be an issue before. It is in my mind.

She is acting strong, but I can't get past the feeling of hurting her forever if I do leave.

On the other hand , the idea of change as simple as apartment hunting is actually exciting to me.

She says she wants me to do whatever I need to and if that's letting me 'go', then she's willing to do it because she loves me. (can you say knife in my heart? (not from her))

I feel the need for change as I kind of feel maybe we're in a Marriage of comfortability or something like that.

I have said the same thing to my wife as well. The fear is the other partner saying "ok." But to be honest, if you're refusing to take the offer, that means you want it to work out. But it will only work if the both you are going to be willing participants.

Get the book! Read the book!