Ruined a Friendship, Would like to Salvage it

[ornlu]

So seven years ago I met this girl online. Over time we became really close friends. Early into our friendship we both went through very rough times and helped each other out. It wasn't long before I developed feelings for her. However, I've had a lot of issues with friends in the past. Two had died in car crashes, one killed herself, and when I was really young every friend I made moved away a few months later. This was all by 7th grade, and I met this girl in 8th grade. So for a long time it's been difficult for me to make friends because I've always pushed them away since I didn't want to lose them.

So I didn't 't want to tell my only friend that I liked her and lose my only real friendship. However, six years had passed and I really fell for her. By this point I went to college for EMT. Having such strong feeling for this girl it became increasingly difficult to not say anything. She would be the only friend I have to talk to about these feelings, but I still didn't want to so I wouldn't hurt the relationship. At the same time, I really wanted out of the friend zone at this point. So I took the advice the internet always gives for these sort of situations and confessed to her. That was my first mistake. That alone really damaged our friendship, so I left it at that.

(This may get confusing, I almost finished the post but my web browser crashed, so I don't really know where I am in the story anymore)

However, upon completing EMT I realized I kind of like medicine and I graduated at the top of my class and have a high IQ, so I figured I'd go into medicine. However, I have never been much of a fan of the American school system, so I wanted to go to Europe for medical school. First, I looked at the UK, unfortunately I missed the boat with them, applications had been closed out. Coincidentally, the only other European medical school that was still accepting applications and had medical school in English (first half, anyway) was in the same city she was studying in.

So I planned on going to this school for one year (maybe longer if I really liked it) and then transferring to the UK to finish school. Even though I don't believe in the supernatural, stupid me wanted to take this as a sign. I was finally on the right track for career and finally meeting the girl of my dreams.

Unfortunately, I grew up in a bubble of a town. Most everyone there is a doctor or something of equal prestige. I also never travel and rarely even left my room. My only "traveling" was for volleyball and modeling (but I had just started modeling so I only ever went to two cities with that, and very briefly).

Needless to say, Europe was a big cultural shock for me. I hadn't planned as much as I should have and had no idea what I was doing. The only support I had in all of this was my friend. Unfortunately I saw her when I flew in briefly (she walked me to my hostel) but she was so busy it was nearly two weeks later before I saw her again.

It's pretty English friendly here, but not knowing the language is still a hindrance. Plus, everything is so different, I had no idea what to do. I also had no phone at the time because I needed a new SIM card for the area and had no Wifi until a week later when I rented a room.

After being here a while, I was still confused, I was becoming increasingly more scared (I get panic attacks at the thought of interacting with people, but I was so clueless and without my friend or internet I had to ask a lot of questions). Plus, I was all alone and was just out of place so I became pretty lonely. Also, being here and not in my bubble of doctors, I realized I didn't want to pursue a medical career. I just did it because I could, and therefore I sort of thought I had to. People here aren't so work oriented and didn't really live by the concept of "Keeping up with the Jones'" So I wanted to go back to America and do something I thought I would really like, even though it wouldn't really pay well.

By this point I had my room, I had been here for 1.5 weeks and started to feel a little home sick on top of everything. Luckily, in a few days my friend said she would have some free time (about an hour). Well.. Being so scared, lonely, confused, home sick, and now changing life plans completely, I was sort of in a low spot. I really needed someone, but this girl is all I have and she was busy. So I decided to write her a letter, at least I could pretend she was there. This was my biggest mistake of all.

I wrote about 10 pages (front and back) explaining absolutely everything. What was going on, how I felt about her, everything. I thought about not giving it to her when I was done, but I already told her about it.. Well I went to meet her, and first thing I did was finally give her a bunch of gifts I brought from America. At this point she knew I wanted to go home, so I asked her if she could give me a gift to remember her by, which she said she would the next time we saw each other... Then I gave her the letter. I didn't expect her to read it so soon...

After reading the letter she said she didn't feel comfortable seeing me again. Which.. I sort of understood, but I had been waiting so long to see her. I really needed someone. So I asked her if she would for me. She still said "no." Now that literally everything possible had gone wrong.. I started to fall apart. So I basically begged her. No response. Then I asked if I could at least still get the gift. No response. I asked if I could at least see her to say good bye before I leave - I would most likely never see her again, no response.

Now I was completely desperate, so I managed to become even dumber. I started guilt tripping the one person I care about on this planet. I mentioned our long lasting friendship, how we helped each other get through a tough time, how over the years I've always been there for her in everything and between that first incident and now, I never asked anything of her. I just needed a friend. Still no response.

After a couple of days of crying, I needed something to get my mind off of everything. Which is difficult because everything about this place I associate with her. So despite trying to avoid people my whole life and hating alcohol, I went to a bar and drank.. a lot. I met a guy who I had a few conversations with and then he took me to a club. So I drank more. Finally we called it quits. On my way home, at 5:00 A.M. sharp, a man on a bike came up to me and started flirting with me. He quickly got aggressive and pinned me on a fence. And kept feeling me up. Finally I got away and quickly walked away, but then he grabbed me. So I twisted around and broke his grip and kept walking. The guy then pulled a gun on me, so I kept inching away. Eventually he went back to get his bike since I had made it about a block down the street. The gun wasn't silenced and he was clearly drunk, so I figured I'd be fine if I ran, so I did. (Keep in mind, I have no service here without wifi, so I couldn't call the cops). Unfortunately I couldn't run far, the alcohol and clubbing really caught up with me. The guy found me again. Luckily a girl walked by and I sort of followed her and started talking to her, then he backed off. I told her what happened and walked with her most of the way home. We got close to my street and still didn't see him so I figured it would be fine to part ways. When I got to my street, though, a car pulled up behind me and stopped. I kept walking, it came up again and stopped. It did that until I got to my room, and drove off when I went in.

I don't want any advice on that, I have no idea what the car looked like and I can easily recognize people when I see them, but I am useless at describing people. I'm just staying in and should be fine getting to the airport and should be fine at home.

The reason why I bring it up is because this girl is still all I have. So even though she is ignoring me, I told her about it. She still didn't respond. And no, I have not been blocked. Granted, that doesn't mean she read it, but later I made sure the key points of potential rape and murder would make the banner part on her phone.

I had told her that when I get home, I plan on not talking to her for a while so I can move on, so it's probably just the blind optimist inside me, but maybe she is ignoring me to help with that. And maybe she thinks I'm just trying to get attention with that message. Why would she keep me a Facebook friend and not block me on WhatsApp?

I just don't know where I stand with her, and I really miss being friends with her. She really use to be an amazing friend.. I'd really like to salvage the friendship... Any advice would be appreciated.

[basilandthyme]

Sorry mate, you can't salvage the friendship. Mainly because she very much knows that you like her as more than a friend. It's too awkward for her - and it sounds like she's already too busy with her existing friends and life anyway.

Another issue is that she'd see you as needy. You have no other friends, you don't socialise, have emotional issues and she's the only one you can turn to when things are low. You're a very high risk friend. The kind of friend who could well be calling in distress at odd hours and needing her to be around. Of course, many of us do this from time to time during our lives (esp during times of grief or illness) but putting this all on one person is simply too much to expect.

If you want her back as a friend, my advice would be to sort your own life out first. When you have your own circle of friends, a girlfriend and a happy quality of life, perhaps she won't see you as someone to avoid. Of course, if you've got your life sorted out....you may not need her anymore anyway.

[pcmaster]

Been in your place too mate. So you met a girl at your teens and now when you older you wanted her to be your girl?

Ofcourse after she read long letter and its hard for her to understand you - maybe even she dont think about herself so much and so good. However give her space and message like once in a month. Your only option is to be cool and show that you have a life, friends and everything normal people have. Be busy and dont apologise her about anything you did before. Man once you get a life theres no guarantee you will forget her. Maybe you even will want show her what you achieved.

Why you like her so much is because she came in too your life at very low point. Thread her like a drug and avoid. There are other supergirls in the world. You never were ready for this one but dont let next amazing girl catch you at low point.

BTW you are not in love. Thats called influation(google it).

[ornlu]

I guess I just thought after doing so much for her that needing her two times in 7 years wouldn't be so bad. I thought, even if she didn't feel the same way about me, she still at least stay friends with me through all of this. Everything went to shit all at once and she abandoned me. I suppose I don't really have a choice though.

Btw, pcmaster- I believe the word you are looking for is infatuation? Commonly mistakes for as love, but I was infatuated with her in and out for years. Which is pretty uncommon, infatuation usually doesn't hit people with the same person multiple times, and does not last more than a year. Yes she helped me through a low point, and yes that did cause infatuation at the time, but that was years ago. I fell for her almost a year ago, I'm pretty positive it was love this time.

[basilandthyme]

I guess I just thought after doing so much for her that needing her two times in 7 years wouldn't be so bad. I thought, even if she didn't feel the same way about me, she still at least stay friends with me through all of this. Everything went to shit all at once and she abandoned me. I suppose I don't really have a choice though.

She can't stay friends with you because you have made it quite clear to her that you want more than friends. If you want to keep someone as a friend, you must treat them as 'just a friend'. This isn't a case of abandonment - rather a case of you making it so awkward that she had no choice to leave.

[Valixy]

No surprise that after having three close friends dying when you were just a teenager, your attitude towards making friends suffered. Besides you are a very intelligent and sensitive guy that can't easily adapt to the nowadays relationship standard and there's nothing wrong with that. The world would be a pretty boring place if we were all the same and then some of the greatest artists and scientists the humanity has had, have been a bit lonely :-) As you'll turn towards adulthood you'll find people you'll feel more identified with, even if they could only be a few but I'm sure they'll mean a lot to you and you'll treasure them dearly. Therapy also helps people overcoming past traumatic experiences and opening up again.

My impression is that your 7 years relationship with this girl was mainly an on-line relationship which didn't rise up to the expectations that have been created when you met in real life. This is one of the dangers of the on-line relationships especially if people are very young because they can easily give/receive the wrong impression. Your feelings were not corresponded and this again happens so often to most of the people that I think that we could all assume that we'll be facing a situation like this at one time or another in our lives.

I think that you have been very brave for pursuing your dreams, the career you thought you wanted to study and the girl you liked so much, and even if things didn't turn out as you first thought they would, you have learnt more about yourself and the others, you're reconsidering your choice of a career and you have now a certitude that this girl isn't someone who could be a good partner for you. These moments that are extremely painful for you can actually bring you much freedom and an extraordinary opportunity to grow as a person by giving you the chance to evaluate correctly what could really make you happy, what you would really like to study and taking an interest in other girls more suitable for you in time.

It's so sad that when you looked for some way of alleviating your pain and loneliness that night you found yourself in such a dangerous situation. Maybe you should report it to the police, or just take good care of yourself the time you're still going to spend in Europe, if you're feeling more comfortable that way. Most people who are molested and attacked could do with talking to a psychologist when they have a chance, a little bit of help you could receive in processing these terrible events could help you feel much better. Someone who took so much interest in medicine like you should not choose to go through so much stress alone when there are professionals who could help you.

I'm not going to lie to you. I think that you've been through some terrible shocking events in the last days, the extreme loneliness in a foreign country, being heartbroken by the girl you liked and attacked and molested two days later is too much for a person to handle, so going back home sounds like a great idea to me. Seeing a psichologist and talking about everything that happened could also help you to put everything in place. Give yourself time to recover, do things that you enjoy and have no doubts that you'll soon find the right path for you and be able to enjoy your journey. Good luck.

[ornlu]

Valixy- First off, I really appreciate the thorough response.

I don't think much would come of therapy for me, I was in therapy for my social anxiety and severe depression for a while. I went through a couple of therapists before I found one that knew what she was doing, but even still to me, they're just a therapist. For me it makes it more difficult to find a connection, so I just use them as information. Also, I can be too stubborn for my own good, so I typically ignore any opinions they give.

Unfortunately I think part of the reason I did come to trust her is because she was online. It's easy to pretend a person is something they're not. 20x20 vision in retrospect, right?

I do agree that I think I have learned a lot about many things. Myself, people, perspective, everything. It really hurts my dreams and I imagine it's only going to make me more guarded in the future, but I still think overall it is a good thing and has put me on a better overall path.

What you mentioned about "freedom" is also insightful. I like trying to interpret my dreams and last night part of my dream suggested that I was sort of becoming free/working towards freedom, which kind of seemed stupid to me, but after reading what you've said, I think it actually makes sense the way the dream showed me.

As for the night to relieve the pain, I would recognize the man if I saw him again, but I am horrible at describingn people, so there isn't much point. Additionally, I don't want to risk being stuck here any longer to follow up an investigation. I'm not to worried about my safety though, after that hangover, I'm just going to stay in my room until I leave. As for dealing with that situation, I'm already paranoid (which is why I knew exactly how to get out of it), so that won't change, but things like that don't really bother me. I just brought it up because I couldn't believe she would still said nothing when I told her about that.

Even though I said I didn't want to see a psychologist, I do think I will schedule one appointment with my old psychologist while I am back at my parents and before I move to where I want to.

Again, I really appreciate the thorough response. It was very helpful. Thank you

[Valixy]

Good luck, Ornu. An important chapter of your life finishes but only because a much more important and relevant one is about to begin. Sometimes we simply have to leave behind some people because they aren't suitable for us anymore and sometimes the only way for us to get on the right path is by being pushed away from the one that it isn't. Get a good rest when you get home, visit your psychologist and work through the events of this journey you've had, and try to only pay attention to those girls you meet online that live close to you and you could meet really soon in real life before you invest yourself emotionally. Take care :-)