second date with ex girlfriend... yes or no?

[cccchase]

Quick background: Dated this girl for 3 and a half years. She broke up with me based on our untrustworthy relationship (and some other factors), mostly from my side. I lied to her throughout relationship and most recently about a night out with the boys, so she finally broke things off. This was about 5 weeks ago. After 4 weeks, I called and asked her on a date and she agreed.

So we went on the date. got coffee, went on a picnic that I packed... and guess what? I spilled my guts at the end and she said she doesn't want a relationship right now. But she got teary eyed when I talked about this stuff... I know she still has some of those old feelings. So after I dropped her off she sent me an email saying "I had a really nice time, I know you tried hard with the picnic, etc. etc." I responded and said: "I know you still have some of those old feelings, save that small part of your heart for me and I might impress you one day by being the man you deserve." There was no response (which may be good)

So my question is: I want to ask her again on a second date (she even told me on our first date to call her if I wanted to do something) She cant call me, I changed my number. I want to call her again this week and ask her over so I can cook dinner for us... good move? or bad move? also, is it to soon? (our first date was last week). Some people say to just leave her alone for now, but I think this dinner thing could go well.

Also... I have some more questions. Regarding the first date. She was very much prying into what I have been up to lately. Going as far to ask me when have I been doing... have I gone on any dates (I said a few lunch dates)... she asked with who... where do the girls work... and even what color hair do they have! What do these questions mean? Jealousy? Interest? Is this good or bad? I have had some advice saying she isn't over me all the way and that I cant count myself out of the race to get her back.

[alovehangoverr]

Hmmm.. I'm kind of with everyone who is telling you to back off a bit. Mostly since she told you, even after you spilled your heart to her, that she's just not interested in a relationshpi right now. Then she didn't reply to that last email-- you may think it's a good sign, but when I don't reply to something it's usually because I don't care about it much/it's made me uncomfortable/etc.

When you asked her out for coffee/picnic.. did you specify to her it was a date?

As for all her questions about what you've been doing/who you've been seeing.. I'd say that's relatively normal since she dated you for 3 1/2 years and you've only been broken up a bit over a month. I'm sure she's curious. Who knows, maybe she was hoping you found someone else.

If you want to show her you've changed, do it in a friendly way. If she does have those old feelings, you probably have a better chance approaching it that way. Calling it dates, the one on one interactions, making her dinner etc might come off wrong if she's serious about not wanting a relationship. Idk about you, but when I've said I'm not ready for something [and meant it] and then had something forced on me.. I've bailed out completely.

[carl1222]

Three and a half years is a long time, so it's natural that she should still have feelings for you. But it's also natural that she doesn't trust you enough to jump back into a relationship with you yet. I am assuming that your lies were to cover inappropriate behavior or even cheating with other women. That would certainly explain her curiosity over your recent activities.

Being nice only gets you a shot at getting her back ... it reminds her of why she was with you in the first place. But you also have to completely erase the stamp of liar and cheater before she will trust you enough to take the risk of being with you again. You can only do this by openness and transparency. If you lied to her about your activities since the breakup, come clean and let the chips fall where they may. It's interesting that in your post you told us "I said a few lunch dates" rather than "I only had a few lunch dates."

If you have really changed, you should not be doing anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable telling her about. Stop lying!

Frankly, if she had been the one posting here, I would have advised her to move on and never look back. To make yourself worthy of her trust again, you will have to give up a substantial part of your privacy. Be available for her calls at all times (why doesn't she have your new phone number?). If she wants to review your caller ID history, let her (why not?). Ditto to your email inbox, cell phone history, IM history, etc. Install a browser history tracker on your computer and allow her to be the ONLY person with the password. If you receive a call when you are together, answer it in front of her. If you have girls calling you, tell them to stop.

Carl.

[cccchase]

I feel like if she was truly over me... she wouldnt want to see or hang out with me. (Yeah she says she wants to be friends but from every girl I have asked, I have never once been told a girl wants to be friends with an ex bf) Its hard to explain in this writing the emotions of our first "date" since the breakup, but I know there's something there worth fighting for. I would regret not trying. Should I ask her over for dinner? I guess that would give me my answer depending on whether she says yes or no...

[Gigabitch]

Well, some of the exes I've been "friends" with have done a lot for me, like fix my car, drive me to the airport, help me move a washing machine, feed my cat while I'm out of town, be my rebound guy, etc. etc. etc., so yes, there are girls that want to be friends with their exes. Just be clear about what that makes you: a total eunuch.

[lahnnabell]

chase,

i hope you listened especially to what carl said. think long and hard about what getting her back may mean to your freedom. you need to build rapport with this girl again, and considering you're in the red, you have a lot of work to do. are you up for it? she's going to be guarded for a long time. she may even try dating you again and then realize she can't do it. will you leave her be then?

plan this out now. be prepared.

[cccchase]

I want to try. I cant count myself out of the race yet right?

[carl1222]

I want to try. I cant count myself out of the race yet right?

No, you're definitely not "out of the race" (an odd phrase to use to describe trying to repair a damaged relationship ... it sounds like you think of her as a prize to be won). Your intense efforts at courtship are likely to turn her head, but I see nothing in your posts to indicate that you really want anything more than to just get her back. So by all means, make her a nice dinner and turn on the charm, it will probably work.

Of course, unless you really commit to treating her differently, you will be back here in six months asking for the same advice. Except this time, she will feel like a fool for having given you another chance.

Carl.