I miss my girlfriend, she died 7 months ago and i still can't handle it...help?

[JasonKendrick7]

I'm Jason, 23 years old. I'm heartbroken, i don't know what to do, i don't feel like i can ever be myself again. My gorgeous girlfriend of 8 yrs died 7 months ago in a tragic car accident. I haven't been the same since, i cant get over her, i cant see myself with anyone else.
I will tell u about how we met, what our relationship was like, & what our plans were. At 14 i met the woman i was supposed to spend my life with. It was freshmen year of high school in Sept. 2002. I was on the football team all 4 years. I was the captain of our team. She was a cheerleader all 4 years & our junior and senior year she was the varsity cheer leading captain. It was our first football game of the season freshmen year 02, we just won a big football game kicking off the season. I'm surprised i played well while my attention was all on her watching her cheer our team.
After the game all the football players and cheerleaders went out to celebrate. We went to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat then to a party at a friends house who had the house to himself for the weekend. The party was great, lots of people there, swimming pool, drinks, hot tub, loud music & all. I was with all my football buddies taking shots & talking bout girls, looking at all the girls and checking them out. We were all looking at Lexi & saying how beautiful she was & how any guy would be lucky to have her & how breath taking everything about her was.
Me & all the guys were fighting over who would get to take her out first (remembering these times make me smile but hurt so bad) as she was talking to her friends & other guys i couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I knew she had a boyfriend but he went to a different school.
She was laughing/talking w/her best friend and some of the football players. After a few drinks i thought what the hell I'm gonna go for it, i always go for what i want. I worked up the courage & introduced myself, she smiled (a smile that made all the guys melt!) and introduced herself.
We started to talk, went to have a couple drinks together at the little bar they had down by their pool. after a couple hours her friends and my friends kept partying, me and Lexi kept talking out in the backyard all night. We talked about everything we just clicked. I believe this was love at first sight. I gave her a ride home that night but i didn't want to ruin things so i decided to save the first kiss for later on, since she had a boyfriend i wasn't going to do that. We exchanged numbers and that was that.
We started to hang out at school, after school with friends, on weekends after games, and about 3 weeks later i found out her and he bf had broken up, because she was interested in me and i was the happiest man alive. I then made plans to ask her to be my homecoming date and that would be a perfect first date. We had been hanging out a lot for that month and i knew we both liked each other but i wanted to give it time so things would work out.
I took her out to eat at a nice restaurant for homecoming, i got us a limo that took us to dinner, then the dance and afterward we went for a ride to a view point in the limo. During the dance i finally made a move and we kissed while we were slow dancing to all my life my kc & jo jo. That took my breath away, honestly it was the most amazing romantic kiss ever... then that night she became my girlfriend. We became inseparable.
She always gives me butterflies from day one, every time we kissed, every time i saw her, thought of her, even now when i think of her i get butterflies. She was so beautiful, such a sexy girl so popular, had many friends, in high school all the guys wanted her, all the girls wanted to be her, the younger girls looked up to her so much and guys would drool over her. Everywhere we went people looked at us. Everyone said we we were a beautiful couple a match made in heaven that we would have gorgeous kids that we were meant to be together. And i was so happy to say she was mine. Our families got close to each other, our parents wanted us to be together forever. We were together all through high school. We did break up a couple times once junior year so we didn't go to our prom together (prom at our high school was for juniors and seniors) we were apart for a few months then got back together during our senior year.
We were each others first love, first heart break, we lost our virginity to each other at 17, we made plans for after high school. We broke up again after senior prom (we went to our senior prom together) and were both prom queen and king. But after that we broke up for about 8 months. We were broken up during graduation, and during that whole summer. I went off to college out of state and she went to college in San Diego near where we went to high school. We both dated other people but we were heart broken me more than her i think.
I later went home for thanksgiving this was in November of 2006 and she had been with her new boyfriend for about 6 months. But our parents surprised us and made a huge thanksgiving dinner and didn't tell neither of us. So we ran into each other accidentally but we just couldn't keep our hands off each other.
We ended up getting back together and i transferred back to college in California to be with my babe. We never broke up again after that, we argued but always made up even if we didn't talk to each other for days.
Lexi has a younger sister who is now 17 she is devastated. Lexi was her idol, she looked up to Lexi so much. She looks just like her so its hard to see her. Lexi has an older brother and he was so protective of his sister, both of them actually. It took him a while to trust me with her lol, but he knows i was always good to her.
Lexi's parents family and friends are torn. This was the hardest holiday season. Lexi and i were so perfect together. Always joking and teasing each other, being dorks, play fighting, arguing, romantic nights, long talks, driving around, going out with friends, buying each other presents, going out to eat, vacations, dinners with our family members, going to the beach all the time, sooo many memories. I cry everyday.
I always hear songs that remind me of her. I always hear our songs. I always hear her voice in my head. We pretty much grew up together she made me the man i am today. I just graduated college in June. I played sports still because i love them and Lexi always encouraged me and cheered me on.
I miss her tan skin, her smell, her smile, her laugh, her soft lips, her kisses, holding her while we sleep, her voice, her gorgeous green eyes, her talent,...she had so much going for her.
My heart is shattered. I see her stuff when i visit her parents, her car, her room, her clothes. I have birthday cards from her. I have anniversary cards, presents from her, some stuff she left at my house, things she gave me, her perfume which smells so good and it reminds me so much of her.
She was such a loving person... beautiful inside and out. People mis-judge her because she was so gorgeous and popular so she might have seemed like a preppy stuck up cheerleader but she really had a big heart. Generous, sweet,caring ,funny, good listener, her smile made everyone feel so comfortable with her.
She always made me feel better when i was down and needed someone to talk to. Who do i talk to now when the person i always talked to is gone? The person that was always there for me when something bad happened isn't here. I can't do anything without it reminding me of her. Should i pack up and move? Everything i do and every place i go to reminds me of her. She had so much going for her she was a model. She was supposed to do a Victoria secret model show in Hollywood this Christmas season (2010), she was so excited, she loved modeling and being around so many people, her dream was coming true. She was even getting into acting. She had so much to do. Why did she have to go?
And...I had future plans...i had everything planned out i was going to propose to her this last Christmas (2010). I had the ring and all and its so hard. What do i do with the ring? And all the plans i had to make it the most romantic proposal? This is heartbreaking i cant handle it.
She was loved by many people there were over 1000 people at her funeral. That was so hard for everyone, I was a mess at the funeral that day, and people could not stop crying as a lot of people got up and talked about good times and memories they had with Lexi.
I had thanksgiving dinner with her family this year, and my family all together at Lexi's parent's house...our families are really close.. It was good to spend time with them but hard seeing her sister who looks exactly like her, it just reminds me too much of Lexi, she's her spitting image.
Seeing her stuff and the place where we had so many good times, talking about her, how hard life has been since she passed. It was a good, but sad thanksgiving.
Lexi was 22 years when she died in June 2010. She went out for a friends birthday that night. She didn't really feel like going out that Friday night, but some friends told her she couldn't miss her close friends birthday. Lexi begged me to go, but i had to work early the next day. I blame myself because i would have drove if i went. I told her "babe just go have fun with you friends we will do something tomorrow" and she said fine...she didn't wanna go without me.
She ended up riding with her best friend and her boyfriend (her best friend was one of the girls on her cheer leading squad since high school, same girl Lexi was hanging out with at the party when Lexi and i first officially met) anyways, her best friend Kayla and her boyfriend Cameron were in the car and they went out to a club in Hollywood for a girlfriends 23rd b day. They all ended up drinking and having a good time. I had fallen asleep and my phone was on silent, for some reason it was on silent, i dunno why cuz i always have it on loud.
After the club around 3 am Lexi called me, left me a voice mail and told me she was kinda drunk and tired. She wanted me to pick her up so she could come stay with me, because they were all going to an after party but she didn't wanna go. Me being such a dumb ass didn't leave my phone on loud...this kills me. Then at 3:42 am i got a text from her which i still have, it said "wish u were here babe, ill call u when i get home love u" and at 3:49 am (7 minutes later) Cameron lost control of the car, spun around and flipped over.
Cameron, Josh (another friend) and Lexi died at the scene...Kayla who was in the front survived. They had all been drinking. Lexi didn't wanna go that night...that day we had spent together she said she had a bad feeling that something was wrong...last time i ever saw her was earlier that day after we went to dinner.
The woman i was suppose to marry was killed in a car accident. My whole life has come to a halt, I am still numb from head to toe, i think about her every minute of everyday and I cry all the time.
Every night i go to bed hoping to not wake up, and every morning i wake up hoping to die. She was my soul mate through and through, we were made for each other and planned our future together. now i just don't know what to do?
I keep hoping that it has all been a mistake & that my angel hasn't gone but i know deep down that she has. we were supposed to get married and i cannot imagine being with anyone other than her. She always promised me that she would never leave me so i always thought she would be there until the day i died but our life together was cut short and i can't bear it. i try and pretend that she is laying next to me in bed but i know she isn't.
I just don't know what to do without her, i talk to her all the time in the hope that her ghost may appear or that she may send me a sign but nothing has come. Please help me..i have dreams about her all the time and i wish i wouldn't wake up...i miss my soul mate, my best friend, my other half.
A part of me is dead and i will never get it back...i miss her so much this is the worst pain in the world. Why would God take someone so beautiful inside and out, she didn't deserve this.
January 5th was her Birthday, my angel would have been 23 years old last week, so young... This is so painful i can't live like this. I remember her last birthday like it was yesterday, who knew that last year was her last b day ever and we had such a good time New years was also very hard and 2011 is going to be so lonely w/out her

[VincenzoG91]

Grief is a normal response to a tragedy like this, and it's perfectly reasonable that it is taking you time to process it. It sounds like your friends and family have been supportive, but they might not know how to deal with you right now. Don't be afraid to ask for help, or at least for someone to listen when you really need to talk. Under the circumstances that you have described, it's also understandable that you are struggling with guilt, but what has happened has happened, and it is beyond your ability to do anything about the past now. Since she was a wonderful person, she is undoubtably in Heaven now, but God apparently needs you here for stuff that hasn't happened yet. Eventually, you will need to move on and discover that new purpose to your life. You are young, and you have so much life ahead of you, and someday you will find love again. You haven't met that woman yet, but it will happen and that woman will need you by her side. Stay strong.

[SelflessnHumble]

First off...I'm so very very sorry for your loss.
I've been dealt a similar hand in losing the ultimate love of my life (not a girlfriend either) and well
I've not been the same at all. Sometimes lying in bed the entire day feels like the only option while the entire
world around me seemingly has no trouble moving on without me or that special person who had once touched everyone's lives just by walking past them...

2nd, God didn't take her NOR does God *take* anyone away.
We are all given the greatest gift and even though you're in Krapifornia you've been
given it too (to an extent) Freewill man...freewill. While she didn't choose to die she did choose
to get inside of a car with people who were drinking. Statistically speaking this is a recipe for disaster.
B-laming yourself for shoulda coulda woulda doesn't work because I'll give you a little secret about life you haven't yet
discovered...Even had you answered your phone, or even picked her up or (insert hypothetical here) you cannot change ONE
variable without changing OTHER variables. -See, things are set in motion not based on what God "wants" but based
on what people want. We choose are paths to take...some are darker than others.

I was (and still am) 100% invested in my now dead woman's life.
But for me to split hairs as to what I should have done is irrelevant because: She is physically gone.
Her memory, and my pictures are what keep her alive despite her mortality.

3rd, The cards, the inanimate objects do NOT make up who she is/was...
Your memories do. You have been given the gift to recall them at any moment free of interruption.

I made a collage of my woman...
-it's got about 300Pictures and spans 6feet wide by 5feet tall.
Looking at it (daily as I do) doesn't remind me at all of what I lost, rather it reminds of what I HAVE.

Here is where I have to introduce a reality check...
Look around you. Take a good look. Your friends and family suffer just as you do because you've allowed this death to consume your life. I can bet you 1Billion Euro that Lexi is sad and disappointed in your choices after her death...

It could be why we have all of this rain...She wants you to live a full, meaningful and productive life!
She doesn't want you to sit there and allow this tragedy to consume you inside and out.

She may have been your first true love...she won't be the last.
She is counting on you to move on and create a family one day, don't let her down.
No matter what you think you are doing know that by living in this manner you are dishonoring her
memory, and what she stood for and what an immensely rare individual she really was.

Bro, stand up, honor her memory and achieve all you've ever wanted.
She isn't truly dead and should you believe that you will reunite with her one day...
Would you really want noting to show for your journey other than the heart ache and sorrow that plagues you?

Her body died a physical death, but her soul, her spirit and her essence is still there with you!
Make good on this Jason and make it count!

We all support you.
Grieving can be a powerful emotion.
Please don't allow it to control your entire state of mind.
Lexi wouldn't want you to.

[JasonKendrick7]

Hi, i just now got to read what u said on my post. Thank u so much man that was amazing, best advice i could have gotten. I still miss her and am broken but i have to have strength to make my angel happy, and proud of me. It will just take time...

[reeba]

My fiance died in a car accident many years ago. I don't think you every get 100% over it. I don't think you should even try. You just eventually find a place to keep them in your life, but not in a place where they prevent you from living. But it takes a lot of time to figure out where they can still fit in your life.

After my fiance my great aunts took me aside and gave me some adice:
- You are too young to live life like this, in perpetual mourning. Life goes on.
- Your first relationship after this will be a mistake (Unfortunately this happens. Other people who have had their significant other pass away will feel compelled to talk to you since you share a common experience, and they will tell you their first relationship horror stories).

And this is my piece of advice. Don't take the advice of your freshly divorced/single friends who claim - the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone. People from failed relationships are clueless on what it feels like to have a great relationship and a future ripped from you.

[HeartIsAching]

Man... I'm so very very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my wife, I'd be destroyed.

I'd like to suggest you seek some grief counseling. It can't hurt, and it might help.