some 'advice' would be helpful

[amsterdam]

i say 'advice' because i think i know what to do, but extra ears and opinions never hurt.

heres the thing, ive been seeing a girl for around a year. right now i dont know if we were even really dating persay, i dont think so. anyway, for around half a year, you can say i never went a week without talking or seeing her, and more often it was more like a day or two. we cuddled, we hugged, we watched movies together. no sex, no kissing, i dont know how i survived, but i really cared about her. she would write things like i *heart* me on my arm and me on hers, that means something doesnt it?

so she left for awhile a bit back, before she left, she told me that she had met someone. i was partially hurt, but she is my friend first so i tried to accept it. we then cuddled and went to dinner that night (maybe all i ever was a cuddle buddy. hurts), the said guy happens on us and joins us, for the ten or so minutes he's there its as if i dont exist, then again it may have just been me confused and sulking and not talking. she leaves for her vacation the next day, i email her and tell her how i feel, i ask her what she wants from me. i know classic big mistake, i should know better, **** me.

i dont get a reply until the day she gets back from her vacation. fine maybe she didnt have email on her trip, i can live with that. she says, lets talk. i say ok, send a drunken email that just rephrased what i had said earlier... but nicer. she says shell call me in the next couple days. she doesnt. after a week we are where we are, and she hasnt called, i'm about to go on a trip of myself, so i give her a call, answering machine, i leave a message. im not mad. i just basically say this: "i'm sorry cuz we were friends once, and i think i betrayed your trust. im sorry. i just wanted to say bye, im off to so and so, so bye. we had some good times, what more can you ask. cya." click.

its been a couple days since that call.... thats the last contact i had with her. heres how i feel: on the one hand im ****ing pissed, i think i deserved better as a friend at the very least, at least a response! i didnt do any psycho guy crazy things, i didnt keep pestering her via email, admittedly i sent the last one.... but i did not send another after. i didnt stalk her. i didnt keep trying to call her. i think i told her how i felt as honestly and nicely asi could, and she knows im a big boy and i can handle if she feels differently, but NO! seemingly she just seems content to ****ing ignore me. when i look back at our 'relationship' i realize how much ive done for her, and how little she for me. but i still care about her, you could say i love her, but love needs two. but no matter how much i convince myself she ****ing wronged me and i deserve better, i know, underneath it all, i still care for her, i still wish her the best... even without me. i wish i could bring myself to hate her, it would be so much easier.

did i do the right thing? is this how it should be... should we just never talk again, and thats that? i so want to call her or email her and ask WHY! but i know if she cared, she shouldve done so me. what do i do? i dont want to not know her, but... i dont know.

god. i am so bitter right now. before this girl, i had been in a relationship for 3 years with a girl i loved who.... died in an accident. ive hurt before, but hurt today is always overbearing. ive been out on dates and clubbing since, and i could care less, i dont need to get laid, i just want what i had. should i just move on? do i just want it cuz i cant get it? how do you move on when things are left in such.... non closure. i say to myself no answer is answer enough, but thats the mind lying to the heart..... christ, im lost. girls **** with you, they say they want someone who cares, you care and they say get lost. you pretend you can live without them and they cant get enough. has honesty always been such cheap a commodity?

(edit: sorry i dont know what section this goes in)

[cheazypeaz]

Hi mate

i can understand exactly what your saying and understand how hard it must be. for once ive read something and everything has been put together properly and to be honest you look to be a little stuck here.

You explained how close you two were and in my opinion that seemed like more than a friendship, or atleast a very 'loving' friendship.

I maybe wrong here, but i'm guessing she feels as awkward as you do. because you two never really hit off she has found someone else, maybe she thought you were scared, i take it you explained about your girlfreind who had died. maybe this made her think you only wanted a frienship.

I think you should keep trying, dont harrass her too much as i know how this can all lead to things getting worse. but make sure you get your point accross about how you really feel.

When your head goes in circles, the only thing i think you can do is to say it, at the end of the day theres no harm in saying what your feeling. if she cant accept that, she isn't as good of a friend as you may think.

Just a quick example, my girlfriend has this male friend who has occasionaly given her a lift home from work, and i dont like the idea personaly, so i said it blunt, and asked if she had feelings for him. i gues some people would think thats well over the top, but it made me feel alot better just letting out my feelings.

Best of luck mate.

Spike

[Mish]

Hmmm

Okay, i won't be able to answer all your questions, just letting you know in advance

First up, i think you should have been more upfront with your feelings for her. You spent a year with her as a close friends hugging and spending a long time together. You were really close to her, maybe you didn't communicate enough what you wanted out of this relationship? Maybe she got confused and decided to find someone who did communicate his feelings better? I think clear communication is very important in any relationship, because its very easy to misunderstand or assume something about the other person.

Why she is acting the way she does, i can not really tell you. Maybe she doesn't want to relive the past or maybe she wants to leave some bridges open or maybe she is scared of you, i don't have enough information to give you my opinion. I know personally i wouldnt discuss things like that over the phone, email or messenger. I would be seeking a face to face conversation and calmly cover all bases. How possible a face to face conversation for you, i don't know. If she has already moved on and you two are miles apart from where you used to be in your relationship/friendship then you may need to settle for "no closure" and move on yourself. In the future you should know that there are always chances to get your feelings out in the open (Not neccesarily in the obvious manner, but subtly). And it is always possible to find out if the person you are with shares the same feelings for you, I guess you just have to take this example as a lesson and be more confident with your possible partner in the future.

I am sorry to hear about your 3 year relationship of before. Things like that can be very very painful. My advice for you is to clear up your mind and look for someone new. If the girl you are worried about cares for you in one way or another she will get back to you...

Respect...

[updraft]

You know that old saying "if you love someone set them free"??? Well , she has set herself free. By her ignoring you almost completely by not responding phone call and emails and disregarding your feelings, in her mind you don't exist anymore.

Maybe the two of you had something special once but from what you describe, she seems to be deep freezing you. Your first clue was when she told you she met someone. Now that she's totally distracted with this new person, she could care less about you and your feelings.

Did you do the right thing by leaving her that goodbye message?? Hell no! You sound too nice ! If I were you I wouldn't have wasted my breath!! Do yourself a huge favour and find someone who is more compatible with you. There are 3 billion females on the planet...I'm sure you can find at least one who will love you for who you are.

[lilwing89]

hey, i didnt read your original post..but i read updraft's response

and if she is doing shit like that, she isnt worth your time..nothing else said.

but i got an idea..how about you dont talk to her or anything for a week then come back to her. maybe it will make her think about the relationship and if she really loves you.
that should solve things.

[Cybog]

Lilwing:

Stop posting responses when you aren't reading the original thread. This is the 3rd time I have seen you do this in the past 15 minutes in the "Dating Forum" alone. If you don't have anything to add to a conversation with your first sentence being nothing more than "Well, I didn't read your thread, but...." then stop posting.

[Tone]

Wow... all I can say is I feel for ya, dude.

but no matter how much i convince myself she ****ing wronged me and i deserve better, i know, underneath it all, i still care for her, i still wish her the best... even without me. i wish i could bring myself to hate her, it would be so much easier.

I know the exact feeling.

did i do the right thing? is this how it should be... should we just never talk again, and thats that? i so want to call her or email her and ask WHY! but i know if she cared, she shouldve done so me. what do i do? i dont want to not know her, but... i dont know.

I think you have your answer right there.

god. i am so bitter right now. before this girl, i had been in a relationship for 3 years with a girl i loved who.... died in an accident.

>:[
I'm so sorry...

ive hurt before, but hurt today is always overbearing. ive been out on dates and clubbing since, and i could care less, i dont need to get laid, i just want what i had. should i just move on? do i just want it cuz i cant get it? how do you move on when things are left in such.... non closure. i say to myself no answer is answer enough, but thats the mind lying to the heart..... christ, im lost. girls **** with you, they say they want someone who cares, you care and they say get lost. you pretend you can live without them and they cant get enough. has honesty always been such cheap a commodity?

Word to that.

Here's my take on the whole situation... I think I agree with some of the others on some points... it is very possible that she might have handled her situation with you very very delicately after knowing you lost a love of 3 years in an accident. And she might have been waiting for you to give her a big sign, other than normal little flirting here and there.. she might have thought you were just needing SOMEONE to be there for you, and that you weren't really interested in her like that. So she might have got tired of waiting and when she met this new guy, she went for it - not wanting to pass up a good opportunity for something she was unsure was even possible.

The reason she could be ignoring you right now is because she is extremely taken back by everything... she's probably angry that after all this time of you two being close, you wait until she meets a guy she likes to tell her your feelings. She could be extremely confused... it's like having a crush on someone for the longest time, not really thinkin they reciprocate those feelings, then you go out and meet a great girl, and your old crush tells you she DOES have feelings... and you're just like "Well... ****."

The way you describe your guys' relationship, I would say there is a good chance she's not just ignoring you just to ignore you, or because you "no longer exist" in her mind... I think she's just upset at the situation and doesn't want to get into some kind of love triangle and her way of dealing with it - is by not.

But the ball is totally in her court, you've made the last 3 contacts with no response. As hard as it might be, just try to keep yourself as busy as possible with other things and keep your mind off her and just wait for her to contact you, otherwise you DO come off as creepy and stalkery~

Best of luck dude... hope everything works out. KEEP US UPDATED!

[amsterdam]

thanks guys. i think ive learned my lesson, its just hard cuz the more you like someone the harder it is to tell them- cuz one, you dont want the chance of losing what you had, but two: you want more than the status quo. i really want to talk or email her but i know she should contact me first. ill just try and forget her. i did accidentally forward a general update email to her, but there was nothing much there, and it was accident, so o well. im ****ed anyway methinks.

[lilwing89]

Lilwing:

Stop posting responses when you aren't reading the original thread. This is the 3rd time I have seen you do this in the past 15 minutes in the "Dating Forum" alone. If you don't have anything to add to a conversation with your first sentence being nothing more than "Well, I didn't read your thread, but...." then stop posting.

usually i do....

[XPixiedustX]

wow! yeah she did screw you over pretty bad...
From teh way she was acting anyone woudl have thought that she liked you...so don't beat yourself wondering why you didn't see through her...a year is a long time to be in this sort of a relationship...did you never ask yourself where things were going?
It's quite possible that she thought that nothing would happen with the two of you so she moved on when she got the chance...that doesn't explain why she didn't return you call though...
If she was just screwing with your head then it probably caught her off-guard and she probably doesn't have the balls to face you...
It's really hard to get over ppl when you haven't had some sort of closure but if she won't talk to you there is nothing you can do about it. It's best to just try and move on because the longer you wait for closure the more it will hurt you...it's good that you go out and have fun...you don't seem liek someone that would give up on life cuz of a girl who didn't even care enough to give you an explanation...
As for the question "do i just want what i can't have"...that depends have you always cared about her....or did you only want her after she found another guy?...
hope things work out for you....

[amsterdam]

i always liked her, i just thought slow was good, and relationship should be built on friendship. but your right a year is a long time, but i was happy, i thought things were heading in the right direction. this guy she met im pretty sure nothing happened or happening, but eventually something will with someone else.....

heres the thing: after i emailed her how i felt, like i said, when she got back, she emailed me, she said "wow, you and this have affected me a lot, i have a lot of questions, a lot of answers... when can we talk?" i made a mistake and sent her a long ass drunk email just saying how i felt, i didnt say i love you or anything, just that i was kinda confused, hurting, what she meant to me (a lot) she emailed back, she said she read it, it hurt, she'll call me in the next couple days. i waited a week and a day, nothing, i was gonna leave town so i left 'the' message.... did i give her enough time? i dont know. my last email to her was the day after hers, saying, okay call me whenever you want, i didnt mean to hurt you. so i guess you could say i made the last 2 contacts, or more like 1 contact, 1 goodbye.

its been close to 4 days, i am so tempted to email her again just asking her how she feels, and if she doesnt care just TELL me and ill understand. its not like i have anything to lose.... i dont know, i will write it, but i wont send it, id like some feedback on this one, PLEASE. thanks.

[Tone]

Like I said already, the ball is in her court... she said she would call, so there must be a good reason as to why she hasn't yet... and are you SURE of what you said in the drunken e-mail wasn't anything to offend her or give her any reason not to call? LoL maybe you can check your "SENT ITEMS" folder or somethin and make sure you didn't say something you don't remember cause you were drunk.

[Chlorine]

Amsterdam----"its been close to 4 days, i am so tempted to email her again just asking her how she feels..."

WAIT. yes....WAIT. Give it some time. WAIT.
People in love, like you, do rash things. Not good. WAIT. Until you're cool and level headed again. WAIT. I don't care how long it takes. WAIT.
Only when you are calm, composed, sane and sober, than sit down and draft the e-mail.

[amsterdam]

you are right, i have drafted like 2 different emails, one mad, cuz i was mad B) and the other more mad (cuz i was more mad) B) i have drafted a final one that just asks basically if she wants to talk about this and that if not i wish her the best. i will wait a day or two and read it over a couple times if i send it. i know a lot of you said i should wait for her to contact me, but i dunno, in hindsight, my last call kinda felt like a 'goodbye dont call me' call. am i giving her more than she's giving me? hell yeah, but i dont care, im not gonna judge any relationship on give and take unless i am being thoroughly abused B) and in this case i dont think i am, i think i made a mistake waiting so long.... o well wish me luck, i would post the email, but im too shy B)

[Tone]

LoL, too shy, that's cute.

Good luck, dood (: