Should I ever reach out?

[Whoami]

My ex and I split about 4 days ago.. the first two days I was constantly blowing her up bombarding her with texts and calls and no luck so I just gave up. On the 3rd day I decided to apply the no contact rule not reaching out to her and during that day she reached out to me asking if I can block her because she did not want to see me because it gets her sad. I asked her why and what's wrong then we texted like friends all that day till the night just laughing sharing old memories of what we used to do..

the next day which is today, I started pushing to many questions about us, i stopped talking to her as a friend I wanted answers to why she is talking to other guys, if she really misses me why doesn't she give me another chance, bla h blah blah and her response was "I only talk to other guys not because I'm looking for a relationship but because it gets my mind off you, I'm constantly thinking about you and I want to keep myself busy if I wasn't taking to anybody I would be ruined right now, I don't want to be digging myself into you anymore idk if your ever going to change" ( I used to go out drinking and argue with her everytime I got super drunk, but I've completely stopped drinking, that's what made her break up with me.. there's been to many arguments caused by my drinking habit)

Long story short I was asking way too many questions about us, when the break up is still fresh made me look desperate for her and she just said talking to me makes her sad and mad and she just wasn't feeling like herself. That was the last message she wrote then she went and blocked me once more... I was bombarding her with messages all over again back to square one texting and texting all day until the night but she would not open up my messages anymore she would just leave them unread so I just decided to say "man I just look stupid doing all this.. bye" And haven't messaged her since.

she's given me many chances to quit my alcohol problem but I never went through with it. She would forgive me and get over it but this last alcohol related argument she was fed up and left me. Now her main concern is that if she comes back I'll be good for a while then I'll go back to my old ways. She kept bringing up the fact that she doesn't believe I will change and I will change back to my old ways, that's what's stopping her from coming back..

I feel stupid for even being there for her yesterday when she wanted me to block her because when she seen my page it made her miss me terribly.. I regret being super nice to her and getting attached that led up to today of her going into no contact again..

... Long story short, I've been going to the gym doing everything she's ever wanted me to do when we were together but how can I show her I truly changed?? Do I use the no contact rule and just work on myself in the meantime? And possibly reach out to her in 30 days?

P.s i guess she's really hurt, I was her first love, I took her virginity, and because of that she's told me she always wants to contact me but she just never does

[Markdg61]

It is probably a good idea to refrain from contacting her for a while. You might want to get into some kind of treatment or seek out an AA meeting and continue to go. Give yourself some time, maybe 6 moths of sobriety and then reach out to her. She might be a little more receptive to you if you've been sober for several months.

Good luck my friend.

[richiro]

work on yourself and focus on that. best to move on and let this go. you have a LOT of work to do and it will take insane focus to get it done.
not even close to the point of worrying about geting bck with an ex-. let that one go.

[Pistach1985]

Focus on yourself, rest, take it easy for a while.