Emotionally Unavailable or am I being used?

[Alaska11]

Hi, basically I met a guy online 4 months ago, we are from the same village and yet had never met before in person. He explained that he had been married for 15 years and had two children, his wife had an affair and they got divorced last year. He spoke online for a couple of weeks, then he rang me and we chatted on the phone and agreed to meet. I felt safe as we have friends of friends in common and met in the local pub. He seemed really lovely and we got on very well, so we arranged another date.

He then went away for the following two weekends with his ex wife and the children as it had been pre arranged before we met, he said he was keen to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. i didn't mind because we had only just met and agree that minimum impact on kids wherever possible is a positive thing. We were texting several times a day before he went, but maybe only once or twice whilst he was away, which I assumed was because he was enjoying time with his kids. He reassured me that there was nothing between him and his ex and that he had been the one to file for divorce, so it wasn't a problem. He seemed very keen to met up again, as was I. We saw each other a couple of times a week for the next few weeks and things were going great. We both agreed that we wanted to take things slowly with regard to introducing each other to our respective children. My children are late teens but still live at home, so we used to stay at his house, watching movies and occasionally I'd stay over. He works away during the week and just returns every Tuesday to see his kids, then has them every other weekend. Due to this we don't get to spend much time together and he asked if I would like to go away for a weekend break, which he kindly paid for, though I paid for our meals out to contribute.

On the Friday evening I noticed that his phone was constantly receiving text messages and he was responding, he explained that it was his teenage daughter wanting to chat. I thought that it was a bit rude as it was every 15 minutes throughout dinner and late until the evening. Had it been important, I would not have minded at all, but it was according to him, just her texting dad as she usually does. After a few hours of this, a friend text me about 11pm just to ask how I was, he was having a bad evening and wanted to talk, so I went outside to chat to him. When I got back in the room, my boyfriend, who I'll call Adam asked who had text, I told him it was a friend and he just said 'oh right' almost like he was put out that anyone would be texting me at that time or whilst I was away with him (double standards) We then went to bed, had sex briefly and went to sleep.

I had begun to notice that Adam was not very affectionate as a person, he only really kissed and cuddled me as a prelude to sex. The following morning we had breakfast and went out for the day sightseeing. He spent much of the day telling me how he could not believe why he had never brought his kids here and was pointing out all the things they would love when he brings them. I was beginning to feel more like I was on a reccy for his trip with kids than a romantic weekend. I was really starting to feel quite hurt, almost like he would rather have been there with his kids, I became quiet as I was upset and he didn't take my hand as we walked. We went for dinner and his ex wife text asking about a date for parents evening, he text her back a couple of times and then explained to me that he had told his ex and kids that he was working away that weekend. Alarm bells started ringing with me, they are divorced and live apart (I know from friends and from having stayed at his house) but i wondered why all the secrecy. That night he drank plenty and we went to bed to sleep (no sex) During the night I cuddled him but they were not reciprocated, I was starting to sense something was not quite right. in the morning, he got up straight away (no cuddles) and made coffee. I could not help it and burst into tears, I felt such an idiot but I was hurt and upset and didnt know why. he seemed to be quite irritated by my tears and that just upset me more, I asked him if he would prefer to leave that day rather than spend another night/day. He said no and we went out for the day, things were a bit awkward but we got along. We went back, had dinner and sex and went to bed.

The following morning he was up early telling me that we had better pack, we still had 3 hours until we needed to vacate the room. Ive never seen anyone pack so fast and there was tension. he had taken that extra day off work so there was no rush to get back home, yet home we shot. He dropped me home and went! I was stunned as it was only 11am and thought we would be spending the last day together since he had booked it off and didnt have the kids that weekend. I didnt say anything, but a couple of hours later, I noticed on Facebook that he had posted photo's of him with the kids at a local theme park. He had obviously dashed back and decided to see his kids, no problem but why not just tell me what he intended to do, so I too could have made plans having booked the day off work myself. I asked him directly whether he wanted to end things, i said I felt like a mistress, a secret and that something did not feel right. He said fine if that is how you feel.

I heard nothing from him for 3 days, then he text to ask how I was. Told him I was fine and he asked if he could see me again in two weeks as he had kids following weekend. I had also noticed that he hardly ever text me when he was with his kids, just a goodnight text usually, but not always. I wanted to ring him one time about something, but he said I could not as he had kids round him. Anyway two weeks later we met up at his, watched a film and had sex, he then asked me to stay over. He stated that he would try to get back during the week, but he didn't, except the usual Tues night to see the kids, so I didnt see him. I went round for a drink and slept with him before walking home (alone) 10 mins away. Then the following week he invited me out for a drink and we had a really lovely evening, I felt close to him again. The following day I asked him if he and his kids would like to come to my house fora BBQ in a couple of weeks, he said he was going away with work next week, then on holiday with his kids. So it would be September before I saw him again. I then asked him again if he was sure he had time for a relationship, I was really friendly about it and said it is not a problem it is just that I am unsure where we stand, ie are we seeing each other as in monogamous, or does he see us as friends with benefits. he replied that he sees us as 'seeing each other' ie monogamous.

I then decided to treat us to some concert tickets for a band I knew he liked, he seemed really pleased. I was excited and when they arrived I posted on his Facebook wall that the tickets had arrived. He did not acknowledge the post or me! In fact he has never made any mention of me on his facebook wall, yet posts regular updates and pics of everything else he does. I said nothing, but again was feeling uneasy. He had said he was coming home on the Thursday night to see me, but by 6pm I had heard nothing so text him. He said he was busy at work and could we leave it til Sunday evening when the kids had gone home to their mum. The feeling that I was being used as a fallback increased. I heard nothing from him the following day at all. He text the next day, but it was just a friendly text, no kisses on the end. I asked him if he was still ok to attend the concert with me as he seemed so busy, he said yes, but again I was getting the sense that he was cooling off, the texts were decreasing, he was not loving, definitely seemed more of a friend than boyfriend. I have to add at this point, that I am not at all clingy or needy, I have never put pressure on him or complained. He had the kids that weekend and had mentioned a movie he wanted to watch with me Sunday evening, so I bought it on dvd for us. He then cancelled Sunday evening as he said he had forgotten that he had kids over Sunday night as they had finished school for summer vacation. I went round before he arrived back for the weekend and popped it through his letter box, so he could watch it with his kids. He text me later to thank me and said I was really sweet. I heard nothing the next day and to be honest I was becoming really disillusioned and unsure of his intentions towards me and our 'relationship'

I did not respond immediately to his next text and in fact left it overnight to give myself time to think. He text me next morning and said that I should go to the concert with a friend, since this was supposed to be the 'honeymoon period' and I seemed to have a problem with him. A light went on in my head and I became convinced that he needed an excuse to get out of going to the concert due to the fact I had posted the time and date publicly on his FB wall, so his family/daughter/friends would have seen it. I did not even bother to reply, I was so hurt and upset, I felt used, discarded and frankly pathetic. I did not respond at all and he did not contact me for 3 days, then text these exact words "the movie you dropped off was shit, I'll drop it back off to you next weekend, I suggest you get a refund" Again, I did no reply, found that so very rude. That was 4 days ago, I have heard nothing again from him, the concert is tomorrow and so today I sold the tickets as I am too upset to go with a friend. I do not want him to drop of the movie, I refuse to be his booty call any longer and feel degraded and taken advantage of. My feelings have been hurt as I too divorced 3 years ago and he is the first person I have dated since, as I wanted to be in a happy place first with no baggage. I feel like I have been used, chewed up and spat out and hate myself for allowing it.

I am a happy, affectionate, loving person who is 100% genuine and I fell for him. I am just hurting, but will NOT contact him out of pride and dignity and because I have had enough of his emotionally unavailable ways. Do I just give up on him? I do really like him and sense he may be hurting underneath after his wife's infidelity, but in the same vein, it is not fair to treat me disrespectfully through no fault of my own. I have been nothing but kind, loving and considerate towards him often receiving little to nothing back. I miss him though, God knows why, because he made me laugh and we seem so compatible at times. Any advice much appreciated, thank you as I'm literally losing sleep.

[Wakeup]

Please re-write your opening post with proper paragraphs. That wall of text is practically impossible to read.

[dontaskme]

Do I just give up on him? I do really like him and sense he may be hurting underneath after his wife's infidelity, but in the same vein, it is not fair to treat me disrespectfully through no fault of my own. I have been nothing but kind, loving and considerate towards him often receiving little to nothing back. I miss him though, God knows why, because he made me laugh and we seem so compatible at times. Any advice much appreciated, thank you as I'm literally losing sleep.

Sorry woman but you're gonna have to let this jerk go. He's NOT only emotionally unavailable, he also used you for sex. Unfortunately, online dating makes it easier for men like him, who aren't ready to date, to fish for women on dating sites. Learn from this dating experience and approach future relationships with caution. Don’t overly invest yourself to someone until you know for sure that the person wants the same thing you do.

[Alaska11]

Sorry woman but you're gonna have to let this jerk go. He's NOT only emotionally unavailable, he also used you for sex. Unfortunately, online dating makes it easier for men like him, who aren't ready to date, to fish for women on dating sites. Learn from this dating experience and approach future relationships with caution. Don’t overly invest yourself to someone until you know for sure that the person wants the same thing you do.

Thank you, I know you are 100% correct, it is just difficult. I will not be contacting him or responding, but how do I deal with the feeling of being used and foolish on top of the hurt? If he texts me this weekend, do I just ignore him or respond and tell him to leave me alone? I do not want him turning up with the movie. I wish I was not so sensitive and emotionally soft so as to hurt badly.

[dontaskme]

Thank you, I know you are 100% correct, it is just difficult. I will not be contacting him or responding, but how do I deal with the feeling of being used and foolish on top of the hurt? If he texts me this weekend, do I just ignore him or respond and tell him to leave me alone? I do not want him turning up with the movie. I wish I was not so sensitive and emotionally soft so as to hurt badly.

You're going to have to deal with the feeling of hurt and let time heal the pain. In terms of facing him, you have two choices, a) be honest with him and tell him how and why you feel used, b) you don't owe him any explanation... tell him to drop of the movie (when you are not home), you're welcome and goodbye. If I were you, I would go with option b, less drama.

[basilandthyme]

Alaska we all make foolish decisions at some time or another in our dating lives. I'm remembering an epic fail of mine right now!

Yes, it hurts at first - but in time it adds to our life experience. Would you again continue dating a man who has double standards for texting? A man who wasn't as affectionate as you'd like? A man who etc etc. I'm sure you'd not tolerate this again! Look at what you've learned and know that you'll come out of this wiser and with stronger boundaries.

[Nicolelong]

Absolutely forget about him. It does not sound at all like he is over his ex wife or in a place where he is ready to commit to someone new. He is throwing out the red flags all over the place, and quite frankly, doesn't seem that interested. I don't think it's you, I think it's him carrying around too much baggage to be able to give his heart away again.

I know you're sore over it, and were hoping for something bigger and better than this, but it's not happening. I don't interpret his saying "we're seeing each other" as monogamous or committed. He's closed off, and won't let you in. Don't waste your time trying to develop something deeper when the gates are locked.

[Wakeup]

He then went away for the following two weekends with his ex wife and the children as it had been pre arranged before we met,

That was your first clue that you should have told him to lose your number. Any man that is still going away with his so called "ex" wife still is very much involved with her.