Curious about relationships with friends

[Glyph]

I know we've seen a few such tales around here of late - people smitten or outright in love with good friends, sometimes even their best friends. A few times in my life, I've fallen for a good friend. I'm not sure if such a situation ever worked out the way I wanted it to (i.e., ending up with that person romantically).

I've always heard this "I don't want to ruin our friendship" thing. My thoughts on it, personally, is that it's a ruse. It's one used out of niceness and the desire to let one down gently, but a ruse nonetheless. I truly, honestly cannot fathom the person who would NOT want to fall in love with his or her best friend (of the preferred sex, of course). What else is there to do? Randomly walk into a bar and hope you meet someone who isn't a total creep? Expect blind probability to work out in your favour? Friends are the only people I would expect a sane person to WANT to date. You know each other. You know one another's likes and dislikes. You probably have lots of things in common. You can talk, you get along. It's basically all the things you'd want in a relationship (or at least, that *I* would want in a relationship, personally), minus the sexual involvement that comes with it.

So what do you think? Is "I don't want to ruin our friendship" just a crock? Is it a way of letting the person down gently, or have you ever said/heard it and believed it? If so, why do you feel that way? What makes a friendship go from "viable romance" to "too good to ruin"?

[Gribble]

So what do you think? Is "I don't want to ruin our friendship" just a crock? Is it a way of letting the person down gently, or have you ever said/heard it and believed it? If so, why do you feel that way? What makes a friendship go from "viable romance" to "too good to ruin"?

It's a crock most times but not always.

One thing I've learned, there's no better way to kill a friendship than to start dating. That said, I do prefer to become friends first and date later. But I'd never date a girl whose friendship I truly valued because I know it'd just be a matter of time.

[vashti]

I agree with Gribble.

[Glyph]

But the only other option besides "a friend whose friendship you value" is . . . a friend whose friendship you don't value. You're basically just sort of . . . waiting to date that person? Why even call it a friendship then?

What I'm getting at is, I don't think I'd ever give someone the title "friend" unless I actually valued their friendship. I'd call them an acquaintance, or something similar, but the only time anyone merits the title "friend" is if I value their friendship.

I guess it's only polar extremes to me. We're either REALLY friends, or I don't bother with you. *shrug*

[vashti]

I think people of the opposite sex can genuinely be friends only if there is absolutely NO attraction whatsoever, or if one person or the other is gay. Otherwise, I think sex always gets in the way.

[Gigabitch]

We're talking about Sam, right?

Just checking.

Anyway, for me, once somebody gets into the Friend Zone, they're not coming out again. There are a few guys I'm "friends" with that I would consider dating, but not many, and I must admit that the quality of my friendship with them is quite different from my actual guy friends. They're kept in some kind of romantic reserve- I don't let them in and get close to them like I would a real friend.

On the other hand, I strongly believe that most guys would happily bone most of their female friends. Date them, maybe not, but definitely bone them.

Protect yourself, sweet Glyph.

[Charlie Boy II]

My best friend is a girl. I've known her since we were eight, and apart from a mutual crush when we were about 12, we've never so much as flirted. I don't know why - she's an attractive, slim, blond but the thought of kissing her make me recoil. It's such a tired, disingenous phrase but she really has become like a sister in my eyes.

She's just started dating another girl, which might explain the absence of any chemistry over the years, but whatever the reasons I'm grateful I've never crossed the line.

Another female friend of mine I was extremely attracted to. We used to go to the beach together and I could barely tear my eyes off her body. We got really close, eventually after a couple of years, we ****ed, twice. First time we tried to forget and move on, then it happened again. Both times we were drunk. We're no longer friends at all. It really tore the friendship up.

Not wanting to ruin a friendship isn't a crock. Relationships are risky and usually end badly. Friendships are far more stable, long lasting affairs.

[Ellynn]

If I was attracted to a friend and he was straight and available....trust me, I would take the risk.
Now, if I wasn't, I would use the "don't want to ruin our friendship" excuse.

[Charlie Boy II]

It depends how attracted. If I was physically attracted to them, but didn't want them as a girlfriend (which can happen) I would probably say something along the lines of "I don't want to risk it," or "it'd turn out badly".

[Gigabitch]

Not wanting to ruin a friendship isn't a crock. Relationships are risky and usually end badly. Friendships are far more stable, long lasting affairs.

I agree with this, and I'd like to add that if there's a sexual attraction of any kind, the friendship is bogus.

I repeat what I said last year: There should be a sliding scale. Friend at one end, potential mate at another.

If you have any interest in them at all, they go over the midway mark that is the difference between true friends and.... whatever you want to call them.

[Charlie Boy II]

Yes Giga, and also I'd like to point out that just because you're friends with someone, it doesn't automatically follow that you'll work as a couple. I know myself, that I'm easy to have as a friend, but I can be a difficult boyfriend.

[Glyph]

We're talking about Sam, right?

Just checking.

Well, him, but we've also had the other chick who was in love with her good male friend. There's been a few cases.

Thing is, like in my situation - he's my friend, yes. But I love him. I do want to be with him, but I want him to be happy, even if that means that he couldn't do so with me.

Then again - jeez, if it were me, that's what I'd WANT. If Sam rejected me? I'd be hurt, of course, but there wouldn't be an ounce of resentment. I couldn't be mad at him, ever. I truly, honestly want whatever makes him happy. That's what makes me happy. Hence why I'd never say a word to him while he's with his girlfriend, why I get along with her - she makes him happy right now. As much as a lot of people would feel like "Grrr, bitch has the man I want" . . . I can't. He's happy.

I just think about if I ever had a friend who was truly all about my wellbeing and happiness. That'd be the perfect set up, that IS a relationship, in my opinion - a best friend who cares the world about you and wants your happiness as much if not more than their own.

It's really odd to watch people do it any other way.

[all alone]

actually i have thought of this question a lot myself recently. It really depends on the people going on.. if you can seriously stand back and give a honest look at your situation and think it can work, then I would go for it. But i wouldnt do it without careful consideration, like there are some people who have certain iunno.. 'characteristics' shall i say that should be avoided?..

I've fallen in the friend zone a couple times, once only a couple months ago, just i didn't really have a a good grasp on her until she started hanging out with me and my friends for a while.. oh well, stuff happens and so be.. she wasn't intrested and i understand, we are both straight forward people and we are still friends and all, not like every was 100% smooth, but i really cant complain..

[Gigabitch]

Yes Giga, and also I'd like to point out that just because you're friends with someone, it doesn't automatically follow that you'll work as a couple. I know myself, that I'm easy to have as a friend, but I can be a difficult boyfriend.

Totally. That can be SUCH a disaster.

[Junket]

This is a topic where I want to take the more cynical and probably more realistic view...but can't. Completely at least.

Seems to me the feelings must be mutual, even if the logic isn't.

If I remember correctly (and correct me if I'm wrong), Giga mentioned she had a marriage that was the opposite, where it was more logical to the relationship than actual emotional compatibility. Amongst other things.