Signs that your in a Abusive or unhealthy relationship

[Alicias]

It's from the elvis's list

1) Your friends or the person you go out with gets angry or jealous when ur hanging out with the other people
2) This person bosses you around
3) tells you what to wear, where you can go, who to talk to
4) always get into fights, loses his temper a lot
5) Pressure you to have sex or do something sexual you dont wanna do
6) using drugs and alcohols and force you to do the same
7) Swears at you
8) Blame you for his or her problems, tells you that it's all your fault. When he hurts you, he say" you ask for it"
9) insult you or embarrass you esp in front of the other people
10) Phyically hurt you
11)Makes you so scared of his/her reactions to things
12)Calls to check up on you all the time, and making sure where you are and making sure that your good.

Gosh, the last one is the most offended one.....

Anyway, i think if any 3 of those is happening to you, you should really let yourself out.

[whaywardj]

Might want to add: "13. Treats the waiter like he's a piece of crap."

[Fawn]

I matched most of those things in my last relationship. It was very unhealthy. Its been a month now since I broke up with him and I'm happily moving on.

[Tone]

Good for you Fawn! It's nice to see some women want the best for themselves and have the strength to get out of those relationships.

[Aaron Blanc]

Well... needless to say.. I think those rules were written by a woman... No offence... and no disrespect.. honestly.. After reading all that... and realizing that it happens to many women... I almost feel ashamed at that part of the male population... But we must consider that it is UNFAIR to list the factors of an unhealthy relationship from the perspective of only ONE sex...
Afterall... if the relationship is heterosexual... it is only fair that BOTH sexes feel that they are not being abused.

1. Appreciation: In a healthy relationship, both people must feel that they are needed and provide SOMETHING to the relationship. It is not fair that one person holds all the control (financial, emotional, sexual, intellectual), while the other person feels usless. It is important that both people feel that they can give something to thier partner.

2. Flexibility: This is something that can be equally the fault of both people and usually manifests itself later on in the relationship. Both men and women may feel that sometimes thier partner does not leave them alone. They feel that contantly being asked (Where are you, What are you doing, What are you thinking, Who's with you) is a little nosy. This can be quite frustrating for both people since every person needs thier privacy, even from thier close partner. The invasion of one's personal space my not be an issue for some people, and may even be considered as an act of loyalty and trust, but to others, it can be very invasive and controling.

3. Sexual Needs: As hard as this is for both sexes to understand, the sexual needs of both men and women can be abused quite easily in any relationship. Both people need to feel good and let go of stress once in a while as well as forge a strong bond with each other to promote feelings of intimacy and emotional connection. Both people also need to feel that they are making thier partner feel good, and as hard as it is to believe, this can be more important than having thier own self feel good.
Men with (R.E.) "retarted/delayed ejaculation" or women that take a long time to reach orgasm, usually do not recieve any pleasure from sex, and can actually take away the pleasure thier partner feels. On the side of the person who has the problem, they may feel that they are giving thier partner pleasure, but may eventually go into depression, because they have such a hard time not getting pleasure from thier partner. This problem can be avoided by forging a strong emotional bond. Usually, in both men and women, the time it takes to reach orgasm will decrease when both people feel attached and trust each other. This will make the person with the problem, let go and open up to getting pleasure out of any sexual act, knowing that thier partner will not abuse them or control them with the sexual pleasure they will recieve.
On the other hand, people who can not give sexual pleasure to thier partners, even those who feel that they can not, will also fall into depression, despite thier own sexual gratification. This is most common in men with (P.E.) "premature ejaculation". This is when physically, the man cannot last more than is needed for thier partner to reach orgasm, or if the man will reach orgasm when he does not intend to. This will make him feel that he does not give any pleasure to his partner, and may even let him to believe that he is usless and may force him to abandon sex altogether.
Sexual rejection is by far the largest issue that couples face. Both men and women that have been rejected by a sexual partner go through an intence phycological termoil. This rejection does not only mean (intercourse), but can be open to anything from (oral sex), to (foreplay). This also divides the levels of sexual rejection into three different categories.

i. Intercourse: When the need is felt by a partner for sexual intercourse and that person is rejected, it is often complemented with feelings of frustration and hate. This is common in men, but also just as common in most women who are rejected by thier partner due to thier work, kids, ect. This rejection is often like a title wave washing away the last of the sparks that remain in a relationship. "Oxytocin" is the chemical released during sex that promotes feelings of intimacy and forges an emotional bond between two people. If a person feels the need to have sex, it is because he or she both craves sexual stimulation, but also due to the fact that they are in need of an "oxytocin" refill. If thier tank runs dry, then so does both partners sex life.

ii. Oral Sex: This is when one partner feels the need to please the other. If is equally as affectionate as it is sexual. When a man/woman asks to give oral sex to their partner and they are rejected, they feel as if they are not wanted. It is easy to see why, since oral sex is about one person pleasing the other, if that person were to be rejected, it is the same as saying... "I want to drive you crazy and please you as much as i can"... "no thanx... (excuse)". The excuse can be anything like (i'm not in the mood, i have to go, i don't have time, i forgot to shave/wax, i'm not clean down there.. ect.)
When a person is rejected in this manner, they will feel as if they lack any hint of ability to provide thier partner with pleasure. They may begin to question if or why thier partner really wants them, and may begin to want to end the relationship, thinking that it is best if thier partner finds someone that will make them happy.

iii. Foreplay: The unintentional rejection of foreplay is often the result of low self-esteam. Since foreplay is more emotional than sexual, the rejection to foreplay is more damaging emotionally than physically. One person may want to engage in foreplay as a simple way of teasing or having fun and emotionally connecting with the other person. The parter may not feel that they look good enough, and may feel very reserved towards the other person's advances. This is a simple problem to fix. Since foreplay is more emotional than physical, right away we can understand that looks play a very small role. Furthermore, if this is still an issue, try to make the other person feel beautyful/handsome.

Sexual Abuse is lastly when a person is either forced to have sex, or when a person has sex witheld from them as a form of punishment or thier partner's need to use sex as a control device.

When a person is forced into having sex, it is simply not fun in the long run. They may feel controlled, and the emotional bond may actually fade away if they being to think that they are only wanted because of sex. This should find it's way into a conversation and reach some sort of compromise from time to time. This issue should not be avoided. If a person feels that they are only good for sex, they may begin to feel usless and depressed. This is cruel on behalf of their partner who rather than choosing to have sex when he is truly in the mood, rather endulges to every chance he/she gets.

The lack of sex is both a male and female issue. If a couple has not had sex in over a year, they have legal grounds for a divorce on the count of "abandonment". On a less serious note, when a person feels the need to have sex and thier partner does not comply, the relationship suffers. Sex, both to men and women, reduces stress, helps ease pain, helps relieve or supress the pain of menstrual cramping during P.M.S. (in women), can help lower blood presure, can help prevent various types of cancer, and will release other chemicals in both sexes essential to a healthy life style.
When a person is not allowed to have sex with thier partner (by their partner), they simply go mad. A form of insanity is reached in both men and women. First they begin to wonder if they are no longer attractive, shortly after, feelings of hate, frustration and depression help to kill the relationship.

4. Trust: This is by far the most important issue that can manifest its way into the other three. Without trust, two people can never open up to each other, can never let the other please them, and may begin to intrude onto the other parter's flexibility. There are few things that can be done to earn trust, but there is almost a never-ending list on what can be done for two people to lose trust. One thing that is important to remember is that a healthy relationship is supportive. People have hard times and embarassing moments. They don't need someone else to help put them down or to laugh at them. They need someone to help them get though it, and be there for them. The only thing that comes before love is trust. When the trust of one person is taken for granted and even abused, the relationship is over. This is how most relationships end. You can imagine the level of trust a person gives their partner then they let them go out without them, or let's them use thier credit card, or tells them a very personal secret. Now, when that trust is betrayed by finding out that thier partner for example (got drunk and had sex with 8 people, charged $11,000 on your American Express, or told everyone at work about the secret you told them), that trust has been betrayed. This obviously hurts the other person, and while this trust may never be earned back, it can be hard for the other person to forget. Rule of thumb as far as trust goes. Imagine you are going to have open heart surgery done to you. You know you will be asleep while it is all done, and you will have no control over what will happen to your heart. If something does wrong, you may even die. Now, suppose you can choose who you want to supervise the operation. If you can not picture your partner in that room when the surgery is being done, reguardless if they don't even know what a heart looks like... if you wouldn't trust them enough to have them in charge, then you do not trust them enough to have a healthy relationship.

[whaywardj]

Damn, Aaron. Had to pass on that one.

"Hear, hear!" Tone.

[Aaron Blanc]

I love this forum... lol... you guys are too funny...

[Tone]

The answer is: Tuesday.

[GrkScorp]

hey... aaron.. if that is really your name... caz like.. it's mine... i use it all the time... so.. i don't see why u'd use it like that... lol... nway... it's not big deal... it's just that... oh well... i read your post... post(s)... u shur do know alot of stuff about love for a heart surgeon...

[Only-virgins]

I want to add one. 14: When he beats you nearly to death with a baseball bat.

Might want to add: "13. Treats the waiter like he's a piece of crap."

Whats with that and people on here?. Whats the big deal about how a person acts to the waiter?

[Alicias]

Guys doing sport is fine, but if they pick sport over you, they are here to be dumped

and I did saw some of my girl friends doing those thing on the list to their boys....
Lets just say, is that really hard to find someone rational??

[lilwing89]

Aaron For Mod!!

[Tone]

DENIED

__________________

[bluesummer]

Whats the big deal about how a person acts to the waiter?

Because usually, if they treat the waiter like they're 'beneath them', they are a pompous ass with an ego problem that will likely show up sometime in the relationship.

I don't know about the swearing one though. Both me and my bf have sworn at each other once or twice in extreme arguments. I'm pretty sure that's not grounds for a breakup.

[whaywardj]

Especially if you're swearing at each other while having sex!