Looking For Male POV On My Situation?

[UPsIdEdOwN]

The man I've been seeing/dating for about 5 months has been (in my perception) a bit aloof in how he relates to me. At least, I think so. I am new to the dating scene (after 30 something years) so am just not sure about what I should/should not expect from a man (my age) these days?

It's been pretty much about seeing each other and having fun .. up until more recently. The man that I am seeing always has answered my question of if I he "wants" me to come over to see me .. in the manner of "it's that's what you would like darling" .. or some such way as to not make it look like he's really interested. That (in my opinion) has been a big part of the "flavor" of what I would get from him in regards to how he feels about me. Although .. we do do a lot together .. several times a week .. so he IS making time for me.

This past weekend, all of a sudden I'm feeling more of a warm fuzzy feeling from him. He actually asked me to come over to this home .. and stay there .. where in the past it was always ME asking him what I should do. So these words/gestures gave me more hope for this relationship. I was feeling very good all of this long holiday weekend because of that.

Fast forward to Tuesday .. he tells me that we probably should see each other Tuesday evening, 'cause he's busy Wednesday. When I ask him about what he's doing Wednesday, (once I arrive at his home) he backs off and says nothing. (???) I then begin talking about a concert that we had both talked about seeing this Saturday. He then throws back to me that he didn't know what HE was doing this Saturday. That he had a Christmas party to go to. This is a divorce group that he has been a member of for years. He's taken me to other functions of this group .. so why is it now appearing like he's not wanting me to accompany him to THIS party? I am totally confused and maybe over thinking all of this. I am feeling too much like a school girl with all of this .. but can't understand his making me feel warm and fuzzy (finally) one minute and then switching over to (all of a sudden) having other plans that don't include me. (For the record .. it has been the assumption, between the both of us .. for weeks and weeks, that we always see each other on Friday and Saturdays ) This is throwing me for a loop .. and I'm not sure how to handle or what I can say or ask him?

Any men out there that may have some advice for me? I feel like I am too old for all of this .. I don't like playing games ...

[michelle23]

Im not a man but ill answer anyway. If you feel like hes playing games or switching the goal posts then maybe you should reconsider whether this is what you want or not.. it sounds complicated and it doesnt sound like theres much committment. It also sounds like hes hiding something. Id move on and forget him if i were you. I presume your divorced and this is your first step back into the dating pool. The same rules generally apply where youve gotta kiss a few frogs first. Dont settle for the first one that comes along if hes not meeting your needs..

Its up to you to set your standards and expectations and then find someone who matches that.

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[Boisdevie]

Communication. Tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know loud and clear what you want. You can't read his mind and he can't read yours.

[UPsIdEdOwN]

I am widowed .. just over a year, after 32 years of marriage. So .. yes, this is all very new to me.

I am afraid to tell him what I'd like. I've communicated to him, in the past, when we first started dating .. that I didn't think I was looking for a committed relationship right away .. considering my situation. He seemed to like that .. because he kept saying to me why can't we just continue to have fun? I was all for that and he put up with a lot of my insecurities and was (for the most part) good for me cause he kept me busy and we DID have fun ..

But, as in all relationships (and probably more for women then men) my feelings have grown. While I would not say the "L" word to him or in our situation .. but I do like him a lot and respect who he is . Up until this past weekend, I wasn't feeling much in the form of recriprcation on those feelings. Well, other than the he was making time for me ... having me over, making me dinner .. doing things with his family and friends.

He did say .. closer to the beginning of when we began dating .. that if I met someone that "turned my head" that I should go for it. Obviously that is how he was feeling? As time progressed on though .. I was thinking (hoping?) that he didn't have that same mindset. .. And, after what he showed me this past (long holiday) weekend, I had convinced myself that we had turned the corner and perhaps I could have a real relationship with this man?

[UPsIdEdOwN]

In conversations that we've had over the course of the months that we've seen each other .. this man has indicated to me that it was when the women (that he dated previously) would think that he had to spend all of his time with them, that he would not like and then end it. Or maybe another would say the "L" word and he would end it .. He also mentioned that the most that he spent with someone (for any length of time) was six months. It will be six months in January .. so maybe he's getting bored and planning on (or already) starting to date others .. ?

[michelle23]

Well you cant unless you speak up and tell him what you want. You need to be honest. Tell him you feel ready now for something real and not just fun and ask him what does he want.
A friend of my mums lost her partner 3 years ago and she met someone new about a year later. I think she felt the same as you at first but now there both committed and really happy together. Hes also a lovely man and they make a good team

You wont know until you ask and if he cant give you what you want, its best to move on and meet someone who can

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[UPsIdEdOwN]

Communication. Tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know loud and clear what you want. You can't read his mind and he can't read yours.

How do you do this without making him feel boxed in .. or scare him away?

[UPsIdEdOwN]

Im not a man but ill answer anyway. If you feel like hes playing games or switching the goal posts then maybe you should reconsider whether this is what you want or not.. it sounds complicated and it doesnt sound like theres much committment. It also sounds like hes hiding something. Id move on and forget him if i were you. I presume your divorced and this is your first step back into the dating pool. The same rules generally apply where youve gotta kiss a few frogs first. Dont settle for the first one that comes along if hes not meeting your needs..

Its up to you to set your standards and expectations and then find someone who matches that.


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Yes, in the past, I've always thought to myself (and mentioned to my friends) that the only thing he was committed to was non-commitment. But .. I was starting to feel a change with all of that. Or so I thought?? I truly just thought that .. especially with older men, who have been through what he has been through with his divorce .. is that it would just take time??

[michelle23]

Some men just become emotionally unavailable and stay that way forever after divorce.. others want a new love and to start again.. it sounds like he is a committment phobic. Maybe thats what drew you to him at the time coz you couldnt handle anything else but now you want more than he is willing to give. It sounds like hes backing off and likely is dating others. I think after having a stable marriage for over 30 years-that is what you want again and need. This man sounds like a player. I wouldnt trust him long term

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[Dr-Love]

From what i can tell(guys point of view) he seems to care for you, he's making time for you which is good. In the beginning when it seemed like he wasn't interested was probably his way of trying not to get hurt by the possible rejection(some people like no strings attached while some do).As for him being secretive my honest opinion is that its something he's either embarrassed about or ashamed off and in time when you two get closer im willing to bet he will share more with you. what you should do is ask yourself if he's ever given you any reason to doubt his trust/faith and go from there.

[UPsIdEdOwN]

Your quote .. "don't ask a question if you can't handle the answer" is so true. I think that's why I am so afraid to talk to him about all of this?

I've been having so much fun, and feel like I've developed a relationship with this man. I like him ... plain and simple. I am a 55 year old woman that is in very good shape am nice looking and have a good/fun personality and a good career. At least that's what other men tell me. Anyway .. I've been asked out quite a bit during this time of my exclusive dating of this man. I've been turning the other men down because I was happy to see where this relationship went. I am not into dating a couple of different men at the same time .. I don't think?

Anyway .. so after (almost) six months of dating .. is it acceptable for me to come right out and ask why he wouldn't invite me (as he has done before) to the party that he may be going to Saturday night?

[UPsIdEdOwN]

From what i can tell(guys point of view) he seems to care for you, he's making time for you which is good. In the beginning when it seemed like he wasn't interested was probably his way of trying not to get hurt by the possible rejection(some people like no strings attached while some do).As for him being secretive my honest opinion is that its something he's either embarrassed about or ashamed off and in time when you two get closer im willing to bet he will share more with you. what you should do is ask yourself if he's ever given you any reason to doubt his trust/faith and go from there.

I don't understand? Your comment about him being secretive and that it might be something he embarrassed or ashamed of .. what do you mean? Sorry, everything has to be spelled out for me ..

OR .. maybe after this weekend .. after spending so much time together (but he asked ME?) it kind of scared him away. Oh .. I don't know. I can't understand the (recent) "hot and cold" interactions he has with me.

[michelle23]

Your quote .. "don't ask a question if you can't handle the answer" is so true. I think that's why I am so afraid to talk to him about all of this?

I've been having so much fun, and feel like I've developed a relationship with this man. I like him ... plain and simple. I am a 55 year old woman that is in very good shape am nice looking and have a good/fun personality and a good career. At least that's what other men tell me. Anyway .. I've been asked out quite a bit during this time of my exclusive dating of this man. I've been turning the other men down because I was happy to see where this relationship went. I am not into dating a couple of different men at the same time .. I don't think?

Anyway .. so after (almost) six months of dating .. is it acceptable for me to come right out and ask why he wouldn't invite me (as he has done before) to the party that he may be going to Saturday night?

Yes of course its acceptable to ask. Remember i said you set your own standards and expectations and if doesnt match up-you walk!

You need to tell him "im looking for committment, i want an exclusive relationship and i feel at my age i want to be more settled" see what he says.. its either gonna be "yes i want that too" or "i cant commit right now" if its the latter you say to yourself "well im a strong, independant, beautiful, successful woman and i can do better than this so i will move on and find a nice man who is on the same page as me"

See thats what freedom of choice gives you dont settle

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[UPsIdEdOwN]

Thank you Michelle! Now, if I could just adopt that mindset?? I like him a lot and I don't want to lose him. Dumb, I know...

The above all said ... other things that have happened recently, that he has revealed to me is that when he went to dinner with his family on T-Giving (ex-w and m-i-l) were there too. He said the ex asked about me because I've been attending all of the family functions with this man (well, except T-giving because we both had our own things .. ) He said that the ex wife and m-i-l both commented on how much they liked me and asked if he was getting serious with me. He said that the did not answer their question about "serious" ... and I was afraid to ask him. He also made a comment (Tuesday night .. the night he began being so elusive with me) that he thought that his ex would be asking us both her Christmas eve party (before, its always bee just for his kids) . He said that and then kind of laughed and took it back .. saying no .. probably not.

Just mentioning all of this here cause I 'm just feeling like I am getting constant hot and cold messages from him. I can't figure it out .. and dont' want to scare him away in the process of all of this. Also .. I don't know if I am up to handling our breakup during this holiday season. But .. maybe it would be best then (probably?) the constant disappointment I might feel with spending it with him.

So darned confusing!

[UPsIdEdOwN]

Hi Dr-Love .. I see that you're new here. I am too. I hope you can find a minute to expound on your previous comments to me. I am interested in another man's POV on my situation.

Thanks!