In a really messy head space

[Lady Sinclair]

I have no idea who to talk to about my situation and am SO glad to have found this forum. I am going stir crazy with the thoughts going on in my head. This could be a long story, Ill try to be as clear as I can and paint a bit of a picture..

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and we have recently bought a house together. We have lived together for a short period (about 6 months) about 2 years into the relationship and then both moved back home to save for our own house. It took a while but we finally made it!

I have been in three long term relationships and they have all been one after the other. The first lasted three years (high school boyfriend). The second was very destructive (lying, cheating and emotionally abusing) and also lasted three years. It took a long time to get that one out of my life, so he was making his presence known when I started seeing my current bf.. so basically since I was 17 years old I have been in a relationship.

During my time in the 'destructive' relationship, I turned from an ambitious and highly motivated, outgoing person to a shadow of my former self. My ex has such an emotional hold on me, I wasnt allowed to go out with friends, gave up all of my passions (Sports) for him, withdrew from my family when they told me of their concerns regarding him. When I finally gathered the strength to leave him (walked away with nothing, it was going to be easier that way) I think I must have gone back to the REAL me TEN FOLD! I threw myself into my work, got my world back in order, finished uni, threw myself into my passions and thought I would NEVER let anyone make me feel like they mattered more than I did.

My current bf has dealt with me being this way (self-centered and selfish) for as long as Ive known. That in itself has to speak volumes about the sort of man he is. He is perfect. He is honest, trust-worthy, thoughtful and completely devoted to me. I love him very much and he means the world to me. After almost giving up my sport for my ex (he actually tried to make me choose between him and sport!!) I have since climbed through the ranks to the highest levels and close to Olympic Level competition. I guess thats why I call myself selfish and self-centered.. sport at this level is often only achieved by sacrifice. My bf has never made me feel like I am doing the wrong thing and although he is not the slightest bit interested in my sport (nor do I expect him to), he never makes me feel bad for the time I spend training or the money I work hard for to progress in the sport. I guess he figures he doesnt have to pay for it and I dont bust his chops for attention.. I let him do what he pleases.

Now to my problem.

We have just bought a house together and are finally about to move in together properly! I actually thought that this would be the make it or break it part of our relationship, mainly due to the fact that our sex life is non-existant. Its very hard living at home with parents and having a healthy sex life, but the fact is that even when we are alone, we still dont do it! When I actually think about it, we have never had a great sex life, kind of like there is no spark there.. It makes me so sad writing it. I had a great sex life with the 'destructive' one, but the two of them are like chalk and cheese personality wise. One a player, one a stayer!

I have met hundreds of guys out who have just wanted to have a chat when Ive been out on hens nights etc etc and I have been attracted to heaps of guys but have never ever wanted to be with anyone but my man. I can honestly say I have never thought of any of this being a problem. Until lately.

I almost think I am not that attracted physically to him anymore and I hate to say that out loud and I feel very shallow actually saying it, but its how I feel. I am so frightened about what this means for our already dwindling sex life. I am not even 30 yet, I have just bought a house with the love of my life who I dont think I am attracted to any longer, and its making me go crazy! What does this mean?! He has put on a bit of weight lately and I dont think its just physically, it just feels like the spark is going. Is this normal in a long term relationship? I love him so much, what the hell am I doing?!

[Primo]

It's a hard reality Lady Sinclair. I think we've all been there at some point in our life with someone.

There's no good advice to give you. Sexual chemistry and passion are on a raw physical and emotional level. It's much rarer for a couple to share than people think. It's not something that can be fostered or developed or found through therapy.

It's going to be your call alone on this. Are there guys as wonderful as your current b/f whom you would have mind blowing sex almost every night with? Of course. Are they hard to find, of course too :-)

If it makes you feel better, your relationship is the most common. Unfortunately it's a situation where eventually one person or both will seek that physical satisfaction outside of the home and it can lead to disaster. Personally I would say to slow down and maybe re-evaluate things, but I think you're past that point.

There's more to sex than just the physical act too. I've never not been with someone that we didn't end up having incredible sex together, but frequency, intimacy, passion, emotional connection are all more important than just getting a nut.

Rolling all that chemistry up into a nice man or woman and pefect partner who loves you unconditionally is a rare gem :-)

[Gigabitch]

First of all, he's not perfect. You two have just been focused on you and your drama for all this time. I think that it's possible for you to move past being so self-centered, focus on him a bit and try to build some intimacy. You might be surprised by the results.