Whats your opinion?

[gem1986]

Hello,

I was just wondering what your opinion of my relationship is.

We have been together 4 and a half years, everything was great got on really well until a year ago when my boyfriend lost his job. He has now started a new job and but we can afford the bills but cant afford to go out or spend money. I have started working from home as well as working my part time day job which i have been doing for a few years.

Here the problem:

He is constantly stressed out that we cannot spend any money, and he always tells me his life is crap and boring. He encourages me to work long hours as my home business is not yet bringing in any money. He gets angry if I get distracted from my business (for example if someone calls me, he gets annoyed and tells me not to be on the phone long as I have got work to get on with). He does work long hours too at his job. He has times where he says we should just give up and just give up the house. I mean does he not realise that I am in the same situation as him? Yet I still manage to stay calm about everything. I feel like I can't talk to him as he gets annoyed if I bring anything up that he doesnt want to hear. When he is in a good mood we get on brilliantly. When he is moody we cant stand the sight of each other. Things used to be great when we were ok for money.

What is your opinion on this?

Thanks

[paperbird]

It's often tough to tell what's really going on from a single post, but on the surface it looks as though continuing to own this house, under your present circumstances, will destroy your relationship. The best thing the two of you can do, is to sit down together and you each state what you feel the problem is, from your point of view, and then come up with a solution that will solve the true problem and work for you both. Make your relationship your first priority (unless you are rethinking your relationship with him).

There are a number of solutions to your problem, based on what is most important to you and what is most important to him: for example: you could get rid of the house (but you have to determine if that is truly wise financially--will you be better off if you do; you could downsize to a smaller home; you could both seek better paying jobs; etc, etc). Prioritize your lives--state what is most important--and then act on them, otherwise you will continue in your problems, and risk destroying (or weakening) your relationship.

[bbk]

The first thing that hit me when reading the post is that when things were ok he was the main bread winner. And since things have gotten bad hes stuck in a job that in todays climate he cant afford to give up and look for another (at least thats what I would assume).
So he is used to being the one who can make all the money but now that he is in a situation that he cant single handedly do it he gets stressed. So stressed that the perfectly logical thing of you working from home gets distorted to the point that if he sees you not working at home he blows up.

Im sure if you could get a calm moment with him that he would realise that you are in the same position but stress messes with peoples heads differently. Like, for him he used to be the main bread winner and now even with the two of you working you still arent in a great position, and he is at a job he hates and cant get rid off. I feel for him but I feel for you having to put up with him being stressed.

I cant give any advice how to tackle this but I just wanted to point out a possible point of view of his.

Best of luck!

[shheadz]

I mean does he not realise that I am in the same situation as him? Yet I still manage to stay calm about everything.

There's more pressure on a man to be the bread winner in a household. Not being able to provide for the people we care about stresses us out.

[Gigabitch]

If he's working long hours at his job, then you should spend the same time at yours (the home job) and when he gets home, you're both off work. You have to set hours for yourself when working at home or it eats your life.

Do you get up the same time he does?

[starbuck]

I would say try and be patient with him as it's incredibly frustrating losing a job and having to start over again. This friction you both feel could pass once you're back on your feet.

Can you also have a separate place to work where he can't monitor you? 'Cause having my SO tell me how many hours I had to work would drive me nuts.

[Mish]

Here the problem:

He is constantly stressed out that we cannot spend any money, and he always tells me his life is crap and boring. He encourages me to work long hours as my home business is not yet bringing in any money. He gets angry if I get distracted from my business (for example if someone calls me, he gets annoyed and tells me not to be on the phone long as I have got work to get on with). He does work long hours too at his job. He has times where he says we should just give up and just give up the house. I mean does he not realise that I am in the same situation as him? Yet I still manage to stay calm about everything. I feel like I can't talk to him as he gets annoyed if I bring anything up that he doesnt want to hear. When he is in a good mood we get on brilliantly. When he is moody we cant stand the sight of each other. Things used to be great when we were ok for money.

What is your opinion on this?

Thanks

It could be that he's frustrated that he's bringing in more money than you. Could his impatience be related to his expectation of you bringing in an equal amount to the table?

[IncognitoSir]

There's more pressure on a man to be the bread winner in a household. Not being able to provide for the people we care about stresses us out.

I agree, you just need to make him realize that you are both in this together. Apparently he thinks it's all on him and is being weighed down by the state of things.