monster ex wants to be friends

[BillyJean]

Hello!

I have been posting a couple of times about this disgusting affair of several months ago, it seems like Terminator, it doesn't want to die, please, help?
I live in a very small community (a research center) and this guy, with whom I had been sharing an apartment (with others) for 6 months and who seemed a friend came on to me; I said I wasn't interested because I needed a "serious" relationship at the moment, (I was extremely ill and basically homebound for months at the time - perhaps that's what attracted him) he insisted he was very serious, and the second after he slept with me he starting backing off, and I left him after three months of verbal assurances that he cared about me and huge mistreatments (like: the guy disappearing on weekends, hardly calling, didn't call for Christmas, never a compliment, didn't want to sleep with me or shower with me, suggestions of a threesome on the third date, somebody saw us together and he jumped 2 meters away, always refused to talk about his doings and his feelings, at some point left for two months and suggested that we should not talk for that period because "phone calls are misleading" and didn't want to meet in person; had a panic attack because I lit some candles and almost chocked, mumbling "this is too much"; said "perhaps we shouldn't have a relationship" (after insisting that we have one) "because I might be leaving in two years" (!)) anyway, this is the picture.
After I left him he bothered me for FOUR months, alternating hate mails and love mails and sms (but never really tried to talk to me, only in public places, how is that?), at some point I accepted to talk to him, and he said that "he had to think about how he felt about me"; after 2 weeks he insisted on talking to me, saying that we should start again, but "real slow", because his heart said one thing and his mind said another. (can you guess my answer?)
Unfortunately we live in this really small place, and even more unfortunately he moved to this other house where some people I really liked live. Now many took his side, and say he is such a nice guy and don't believe me when I describe the above behavior and don't invite me to parties anymore.
On top of this, because this is such a small community and the guy is a real hypocrite, (he played for 4 months the part of being broken hearted, with others of course, not with me), he is trying to approach me and I heard from third parties that he would like to be friends, and the social pressure is that I should accept him.

How do you think I should behave?
I hate him, I have to see him every day and I don't know how to move on because there are not many people outside what is now his circle, I am trying to find another job and leave but that is not easy, and I am going crazy.

any suggestions?

thank you so much

[Yggdrasil]

Is this days of our lives? Long live the drama.

Get a restraining order against the guy and press charges for harrassment. Short and sweet. That'll get the message through.

[BillyJean]

thank you, but unfortunately that is not possible... we meet all the time, at work, at the only bar, and even if he didn't want to talk to me it would be a nightmare.. my question is rather: how do I move on if I see him everywhere?

ahah days of our lives :-) so true

[starbuck]

First of all, do NOT be try to be friends with this guy. Attempting to do so will drain more of your energy than trying to avoid him.

My advice would be to try and avoid him as much as possible, especially while your emotions are still raw. Hanging out at the bar and in he walks? Suggest that you and your friends grab some beers and go to someone's house. Your friends should be able to understand that you don't want to see him right now, and if they give you shit about it...well, those aren't really good friends, are they?

My other piece of advice would be to TRY to train yourself to not react emotionally when you see him. Your anger towards him just gives him power over you. Try to see him as just a guy you dated and nothing more. Holding onto these intense emotions towards him is just going to stress you out. Let them go.

[Yggdrasil]

What starbuck said. Train your mind not to see him.

It's called: ignore.

Ignoring someone is a natural defense system. The Jews are pretty good at that, they have this ritual, that when one of their children is no longer welcome, those children are death. The parent can be standing right next to them, they simply don't see them.

Some people are really good at that, but you can train yourself to learn to ignore people, even if they are standing right next to you.

There are some tips here on how to accomplish just that: [URL="http://www.wikihow.com/Ignore-People-You-No-Longer-Wish-to-Be-Around"]http://www.wikihow.com/Ignore-People-You-No-Longer-Wish-to-Be-Around[/URL]

Easier said then done though. You'll have to leave your emotions out of it.

[BillyJean]

brilliant, ahah, I am far from high school but still could relate to many of those tips

and how do I do will those people who keep telling me he is so nice, or who just took his side? how can anybody who behaves like that be a good friend to somebody?

[IndiReloaded]

People who take sides do it b/c they enjoy the drama. There are even some people who will *say* they take his side just to see *your* reponse.

There are also people who are just that dumb. They take a side without understanding that they will never hear the entire story. That, almost always, BOTH people did things wrong. Even us here at LF are only hearing your side of the story, right?

LOL, ah people.

Anyway, the answer is still the same. Ignore. Eventually, when people see there is no drama to be had, they will forget & move on to something more interesting.

Oh, and since noone else has mentioned it: I hope you have learned not to poop in your own sandbox. Its almost always a bad idea to date someone where you work, especially when you also live there.

BUT, If you really want to 'win' this & hold your head high again, here's my suggestion. It will take some cojones, but it will work:

Buy a flower bouquet. Give it to him, publicly, at some function where there are a lot of your colleagues around. Tell him you are very sorry for your troubles & that you hope you can find a way to be friends with each other again. Then, walk away, head high & never speak of it to anyone again. A word of caution, tho, only do this if you can pull it off either being (or looking) absolutely sincere. If you can't do this, then don't.

[BillyJean]

the flower tip is good, thank you, but at the moment I really wish him to be dead so I cannot pull that off, maybe in some time. About pooping: I know!! I asked him so many times to prove that he was serious because of that, and he convinced me, and then he behaved like that!! it's crazy - for sure he is not enjoying the situation either.

[BillyJean]

also now the word has kind of spread that he treated me horribly, and I have been crying half of the time for months, so it wouldn't be clear why "I" should be the one with the bouquet (he never apologized, also possibly he still likes me, so the second I get closer to him he will want to get something out of me again)

[IndiReloaded]

To be explicit about the flowers:

Because it will make YOU look like the mature party, wanting to make amends. Its a psych in the visible form of an olive branch.

But, I understand if you can't bring yourself to do it. Those kinds of interventions require a certain amount of detachment from the situation that would be very difficult for most people. I just wanted to suggest the idea in case you hadn't thought of it. Good luck.

[Yacker]

I went through some crazy stuff sort of like this not too long ago. I am still working my way through it. Basically I met this girl at work and started seeing her a lot over 2 years. Well it turned out she was also seeing another guy from work and ended up being with him multiple times when with me. I was head over heels for this girl and she ended up with the guy that treated her like crap and stuck with him cause i bolted and the guy never really knew much about her social life, he didn't care.

I get to see this guy and her almost everyday Yeah it seems like a cruel joke, but it is what it is and basically you just need to ignore the guy and make it clear you really don't want anything to do with him no matter how much you liked him. Eventually you'll just have to get use to the sight of him and when that happens, he won't be making you all angry and mad. You have to figure out how let that go and it won't happen by being friends with him.

lesson learned: Don't date people from work. :|

[Yggdrasil]

brilliant, ahah, I am far from high school but still could relate to many of those tips

and how do I do will those people who keep telling me he is so nice, or who just took his side? how can anybody who behaves like that be a good friend to somebody?

Ignore them to.. well, at least their comments about him. The difference between them and you is: you KNOW the truth about this guy. They only know what he allows them to know.

People see what they want to see. If a guy screws around with 20 women in 3 weeks, he's a stud, if a woman has 2 guys in 4 months she's a whore. You know how that goes. Stereotypes, stigma, judgement, bias and taboos. Be above that.

Your self worth shouldn't depend on the opinions of others.

[Gigabitch]

You don't have to be "friends" with him. Expecting you do do that is completely unreasonable. You can, however, coexist in the same small place if he agrees to respect your boundaries. Set them and enforce them. tell him to behave as if he barely knows you.

Look, I've had to work with exes I loathed and managed to get through it by mutual agreement to basically ignore one another.

I strongly recommend that you set the terms of your cease-fire with witnesses. That way, if he gets out of line, others will understand what you're talking about.

[Mish]

I think because so much has been poisoned by him your best bet is moving out of this small community. I'm surprised that you allowed him to talk others into accepting his side of the story, you should have been a lot more proactive on winning people over. I would even go so far as to say that poisoning your social environment might have been part of a greater strategy of him trying to control you. You can try to ignore him and surround yourself with as many friends as you can, but if above is not possible then moving is your only alternative.

[BillyJean]

hey, Gottfried, don't say that please, I have actually considered that for some seconds ;-) those thoughts are dangerous