affection problems

[serilis]

First off, I've been dating this girl for about 4 months now. When we first met she was a virgin and I deflowered her. I learned that she had hardly dated before we met, I'm pretty sure she hasn't had more than 2-3 relationships that lasted longer than a week. We are both 25 years old also.

Now when we first met we had sex whenever I would come over. I work days and she works nights and we live about 45 minutes away from each other, so we only get to see each other once a week. We text constantly and chat online, the fact that we dont see each other much makes it hard BUT its only temporary because eventually I figure I'll ask her to quit her job and live with me.

The problem that is happening is shes wanting sex less and less. Its come down to the point where she gets all stressed out and says she just doesnt feel like it. I told her that its not a big deal and sex is a part of relationships blahblahblah but she tells me that its all so new to her and she just needs time to be comfortable with it.

Well thats not the only problem.. She pretty much shows me zero affection. When I come over and we are supposed to cuddle, relax, and watch a movie she will just lay there like we are best friends. She never initiates anything, from kissing to hugging to even grabbing and holding my hand.. I dont think she has EVER gone and held my hand. Basically if we cuddle I'M the one spooning up to her, now this is weird to me because its always been the other way around for me.

About a month ago we spent the night at her cousins house watching the dogs for the weekend and we had planned to make love saying we get to break in their shower together etc.. then on the day I come down she told me that she just wanted to cuddle and that there would be no sex and she wanted to see if I could do it (wtf?). So I decide to see how it all pans out and on the last day we end up making out and eventually I start taking her clothes off, so I decide to say **** it and have sex with her.

Then the next days she ends up being all passive-aggressive with me, saying that I totally failed by having sex with her and that im in her words a 'sex robot'. This totally pissed me off, why should I feel bad for wanting to have sex once and a while? we hardly EVER have sex and when we do I get the guilt trip and get framed as some sort of needy sex machine?

I turned around and told her that she doesnt show me enough affection and doesnt make any effort to comfort me, and that its a 2 way street and maybe I wouldnt need sex if she would just give a little hug, massage me a little or god forbid kiss me. Then she tells me she realizes that shes not doing these things, and that she wants to but for some reason doesnt.. because shes afraid that by doing these things shes giving me an 'open invitation' to sex.

Well this last weekend we had to go to a wedding and spent the night in the hotel together, this night we also had planned to atleast have a little action and I figured I was FINALLY going to have some drama free sex. WELL GUESS WHAT, turns out she isnt in the mood (surprise) and just wants to go to sleep. The next day I played it off like it was no big deal and that I wasnt really in the mood anyways. Even though I spent that whole night in bed thinking about ways to break up with her because this shit is just frustrating me to no end.

Today we talked via text and she tells me out of the blue that she needs to work on taking down her barrier and being more affectionate towards me. So now once again I'm stuck in the limbo of thinking she wants to work on things.

At this point I dont know what to do. I was thinking I need to alteast give her a little more time to see if things change, even though they probably wont. Maybe I need to bring this whole issue up again? but I know she will just say the same things, that she just needs time to get comfortable and that shes working on being more sexual.

ANY advice is welcome. I havent been laid in weeks im dying here.

[girl68]

I think it's lame on her part.

She seems to always say she's trying or she will try or she'll make more of an effort or that she'll try to take down her barrier; yet you see no progress. Doesn't that tell you something?

It's awesome when someone says they are trying and working on something, but it's another when you see absolutely no progress at all.

So, I'd say don't do anything other than wait patiently for 1 week if you see no "work" or "effort" or affection, or initiation in that week dump her sorry, unhorny ass.

You're not bad for wanting her sex and affection- so don't feel bad, and don't give her all the time in the world to change- because she hasn't not once shown you that she IS actively trying to change.

Me thinks that this is the begginning of the end. She isn't into sex. She will use this against you. She will withhold sex from you to get what she wants. These are promises not guesses.

[funluvinsarah]

Some women really don't feel comfortable with the whole 'sex' thing. It takes some people a while to get used to it and to realise it's not as bad as they thought it would be. Maybe she is just really shy and doesn't want to do it in case she does something wrong. Maybe you should just keep reminding her that sex is not everything and that you would be happy if she went to hold your hand OR gave you a cuddle without it having to be you first. Do it one step at a time and things will work out better than trying to rush her into feeling comfortable with doing these things.

Trust me smaller steps achieve the bigger outcome in the end. And it will be worth it.

X x X

[girl68]

^

She's using sex against him. She'll have it then pull a you used me for sex line. Now THAT is manipulative, she just doesn't know it. Empty promises of change is all I see. She's doing NOTHING to further overcome whatever problems she has. She just makes sure she keeps promising so he sticks around. It takes 2, and he's the only one working. That's crap.

[lastwish]

Women needs emotional connection before sex. Try romancing her before you try anything physcial with her. Maybe surprise her with flowers, a prepared meal (if you know how to cook) or anything you think she likes.

[girl68]

^ But what you describe is a double edged sword.

He probably doesn't want to because he gets rejected, and she doesn't want to because she's not getting "the love".

[lastwish]

^ But what you describe is a double edged sword.

He probably doesn't want to because he gets rejected, and she doesn't want to because she's not getting "the love".

I know what you mean. She might think you're trying to buy her love next time.

Have a talk with her in the most caring way. Like "Honey, you look really down lately. Is anything bothering you?"

[girl68]

To add to what lastwish says... in that conversation I think it is important to get her to be active in her "trying".

By the sounds of it she keeps saying I'm trying or I need to... I think this time you need to say... by HOW are you trying? or WHAT are you trying? Blanket statements such as the ones she's given you are just the same as a smoker who refuses to stop smoking but always says "I need to quit" "I'm trying to quit" yet no real effort seems to be put forth.

[I Found Him]

Sounds to me that she's just lost interest in you. If the sex at the start was frequent and hot the there's nothing wrong with her libido-wise or psychologically. She clearly holds you in the highest regard, but that's because you 'deflowered' her.

Don't get me wrong, it sucks when you're not getting any and your partner isn't making any effort so am on your side there. But when i read your post, it just smacks of her nor being in love with you anymore, if she truly ever was.

Don't take it to heart though, Im just an outsider and i don't know the ins and outs

[Yggdrasil]

Why are you involved with someone who is passive-agressive?

That should ring alarm bells so loud you can hear them 50 blocks away.