Problems of going from friends to lovers....

[joejordan]

Hi All,

I'm new here and I don't usually do these kind of things but I really want some impartial advice on my current relationship from people not involved! So I'm hoping some of you will have the time to read my current situation and offer your opinions/advice on it. I'm going to be pretty frank and to the point about it

So I'm going out with this girl, and we've been going out now for 3 months. I first met her about 3 years ago at uni. For about 2 and a half years we got on really well, we'd talk alot, always chatting on MSN, texting, I spent a year abroad and we still kept in touch before I came back to England. All along she was going out with this guy who is a bit of a dick. He didn't treat her very well, he was really unambitious, didn't have a job, lived with his parents and was just a bit of a waste of space really. I told this girl twice I liked her... She's a friend of my old friends/flatmates and I'd heard that her and her fella had broken up so I came clean and said look I really like you, she pretty much blew me off, said it was the wrong time but I'm a lovely guy yada yada... We were pretty close though, like we'd sometimes talk on the phone til 4am and things like that, but on her behalf I just take that as her being friendly and purely plutonic.

Eventually a few months ago I went to see her and I could tell something wasn't right. She looked like she'd been crying (not her style), and eventually confessed that she'd been talking to her ex and had to tell him that she liked me because that was how she felt. So at first I was like woooaaah... this is too much. Like the girl I'd liked for years had finally caved in. And I was really happy with it and we started dating.

But I need to outline a couple of other things at this point. We were both at university and I was living that university lifestyle. I had a couple of one night stands and a few flings with girls, but nothing serious. This was all before she said she liked me of course. But its quite common knowledge amongst my friends that I had a relatively active sex life at uni, and I'm not particularly ashamed of that. But she is quite the opposite to this. I've only ever known her to go out with that guy before me, and they were hardly ever coupley.

When we first started going out I was a bit reluctant to hold her hand and things like that, and I could tell she was too, but that's because that's how she is. Even stupid things like not putting x's at the end of text messages... So eventually I talked to her about it and just said (not in these words) "look, I don't really feel like theres any affection coming from you in this relationship, I don't mind if that's how you roll but I don't really want a relationship without affection". She took it really well and understood and now she puts x's in texts and we are a bit more coupley. Moreso when not in public. When I first went to kiss her she also pulled away :\ which just knocked me back a bit. And she apologized for it a few days later. But kissing with us now is still sometimes a bit awkward. The problem I have is that I am comparing her lots to my ex, and also to other girls I've been with at uni.

I now have the issue of getting to "the next level"... I can understand sex being a big step but we're 23 and 22 respectively... it's not like we're 16 and have never tried it before (although I'm not sure if she slept with her ex, and if she didn't I'm pretty sure I'd be her first). We don't really get fruity when we sleep in the same bed together, sometimes some kissing and cuddling. The other night I was quite drunk and went "exploring" with my hand to find it pushed away from a certain area. I felt quite bad in the morning as I was drunk and I guess it was quite inconsiderate. The problem is that I'm really horny, and I'm used to being in relationships where this isn't really an issue. I don't want to pressure her though, and I'm worried that's what I'd do by bringing it up. Outside of sex life we have a great relationship. I do really like her and I get on with her really well, much better than anyone else I've been out with and we are like 2 peas in a pod really. I'm thinking that surely its her perogative to talk to me about it if she's got issues, because it's not me that has a problem with it... At the weekend she really took the biscuit, I stayed at her house and I left the room to go to the toilet. She said she was going to get changed. When I walked back up, she'd locked the bedroom door! I spoke to her that night and just told her straight that after being together 3 months if she doesn't feel she can even get changed in the same room as me that something is obviously not right and she should talk to me.

This resulted in a bit of a chat (nothing was really solved by it) but she text me the next day saying "sorry for being a shit gf, I have issues" or something. I told her that she should just talk to me about any issues she has. I'm thinking she might feel intimidated because I've been with more girls than she has guys, and I have a bit of a reputation (I stress, A BIT!!).

But it's now getting a point where I'm getting a bit fed up by it. I do love her and I love being with her but I think sex is an integral part of a relationship, particularly for people our age. I don't want to force her away by asking for it, I don't want her to do something she doesn't want to, but I also feel that she could be pushing me away by not getting involved in anything like that. I've already told her I feel the relationship is lacking spark and passion, but I'm just waiting her to bring up the s word because I don't feel like I should have to force it.

Another issue that I have with her is a quite difficult one. Please bare with my bluntness on this topic, I don't mean to be horrible but I don't want to beat around the bush and waste time. She isn't as thin as she used to be, and that's been mentioned by her as well as me. I myself am not particularly thin, I've always been a big lad, but I'm quite active in sport and diet and I'm losing quite a bit of weight, I feel quite good about myself these days. I've quit smoking, mainly due to her constant chirping about it (I'm not looking after you when you're old and can't breathe etc...), is it unreasonable to expect her to lose weight? I obviously haven't asked her. I've tried to make a point of all the exercise I'm doing, but she seems to just make excuses for herself. She joined the gym over summer and I think her and her friend went like 4 times or something. It really didn't even touch the sides. She's now back at uni for her final year and she's pretty much said "I'm back at uni so I'm going to put weight on", I suggested exercising so she doesn't and you can imagine how that went down.

I don't want to sound harsh but as someone who's struggled with a weight problem themselves I feel that I am in a position to be able to comment on it. I really would not want her to get any bigger than she is now. I just think our relationship has enough problems (for me) as it is, without my gf becoming someone I don't even feel physically attracted to, because it's getting close to that point now.

Sometimes I get really frustrated (eg. if we have an argument about something trivial) and it just makes me wish I was single again so I could play the field a bit more or just have a laugh, and ultimately have regular sex because of it.

So the basic summary of this is that I think I need to talk to my gf about sex and losing weight. Probably the 2 most difficult topics to bring up I'm sure you'd agree. Which is why I want as much advice as I can get on this! It really will be read and appreciated!!

Thanks,

Joe

[justcheckin]

hmmm haha. Interesting story. I am also 23. There is a girl I am talking to that is very religious. I hope that sex doesn't come between our relationship, but it is very possible. I also believe that sex is a big part of a relationship. I mean, it shouldn't be the "sole reason" but there is that level of attractiveness that should absolutely be there. As far as the weight thing, that is a tough issue for girls. Its a lot easier for guys to go out and do something about it (or so it seems just by experience) Last winter I dropped from 185 to 165 in about 3 months... but let me tell you, that was a dedicated 3 months. The only way for somebody like that to loose weight is to make a decision for themselves when decided for themselves that its time to do something.

[fod999]

Yikes..that's a tricky situation. On one hand I want to tell you to stop being a jerk when it comes to her weight. She is probably really self conscious about it, maybe that's why you guys haven't had sex? I have body image issues and there are some days that I just feel so crappy about myself that the idea of someone else seeing how gross I look is mortifying. Try talking her up, telling her how nice she looks, etc. On the other hand, if this is something that is really important for you then I guess you know what your options are. She won't lose weight unless she wants to, and any girl who would lose weight only for a guy has serious issues. She's probably more resentful than anything if you've brought it up before and just feels hopeless.

You need to give it more time for sex. Not all girls are college sluts. If you want a *relationship* you will wait. If all you want is sex, break up with her and let her find someone who is willing to wait. Then you can have all the meaningless sex you want. There isn't a way to speed up this process with her. She needs to feel comfortable and safe with you before she'll want to have sex, and right now she probably feels like crap because in your eyes she's doing so many things wrong.

Good luck with everything. There is no right answer, just do whatever feels right for you.

[joejordan]

Thanks for your replies! I completely agree with you fod999, the only way she would lose weight is for herself. Which is also what kind of annoys me because she's said before that she's not as thin as she was and wishes she was. But my way of dealing with situations is to just pull up your socks and get on with it if you want to do it! So I don't hold much sympathy for her if she won't work out or diet, though I know that's not a view that most people would expect a boyfriend to have. But the fact is I don't want to lie to her and tell her its not important, but I also don't want to offend her.

I'm not a jerk who just wants to have sex with her, I wouldn't enter a relationship or risk ruining years of friendship if I was just in it for a crafty bang on the side! I just think if its been 3 months and she's not mentioned anything, is she under the impression that this is inevitably OK that I'm happy with it? I know its a tricky one to bring up but surely she must have something in her mind ringing alarm bells.

I take on board your point of me not being very flattering to her, I should talk her up more. But this again relates to the lack of lust in our relationship. I was telling a friend the other day that if she was asked to describe me in a few words, the words she'd pick would be "kind, funny, nice" etc rather than "sexy, hot" etc... Not because I'm not But that's just how she is! And I've had girlfriends before where we go out and then just can't keep our hands off each other, and I really like that but I don't get that with the girl in question, and shes so far from that I'm not sure that it would ever happen? I guess I'll try flattery but it's a bit of a tricky one, its not what I'm really used to so might be a bit strange....