If Anyone Could Help Me Out It Would Be Well Appreciated

[wise25663]

I have been in a relationship with a woman for about 4 months now and she is still having a hard time letting go of her last boyfriend. They have been off and on for about 4 yrs now. He usually walks out on her whenever they get in a big fight. Then they're apart for a few months and then they get back together. I know inside that she really wants to be with me, but she can't let go of him. I try to explain to her that the way to get over someone is to hault all contact with that person, but she doesn't seem to listen. I also tell her that if they were meant for each other, they wouldn't be breaking up consistantly. She wonders if there is some reason they are supposed to be together because she never falls out of love with him. Maybe if she reads a few comments from people looking at it from a neutral position, she may actually take it to heart. Please help!!!!!!!

Nate

[Junket]

She's drawn to the drama, the "maybe things will get better", the "maybe one day he'll change and be with me forever".

The hope, the dream, the bullshit.

You're right, she should cease all contact. And it's nice you're being so patient with her. However, I think you need to sit down with her and really get a grasp as define your relationship. What are you looking for?

What is she looking for?

If you're both in this for the long term, she must discontinue her relationship with this other guy, or you walk.

Straight up, you should have to deal with the bullshit of her past relationships, because that's her disrespecting you.

There is no love in disrespect.

[Gigabitch]

Cut her off, man. You're doing the same thing she is- settling for less because you want the person more than you respect yourself.

Break up with her. Tell her to come back when she's available.

[wise25663]

Just to make my question a little more clear, I'm not asking what I should do or if I should leave her(it's too late for that,I'm already in love with her). I'm just trying to confirm my theory on why she can't let go which is "she will never be able to let go if she stays in contact with her x" I don't think she's ever been truly in love except for this one guy, so it seems to her that there's some cosmic reason why she can't let go. Not just the fact that she doesn't realize that we all have to deal with this and you can still be in love with someone and not be right for each other.

[Junket]

So you're in love with her, but you say she's never truly been in love with anybody but this jerk?

That's called unrequited love, friend.

Don't disrespect yourself too...

[wise25663]

I am not asking for advice for myself. If she has never felt true love before it is possible that she doesn't understand it doesn't just go away instantly for anyone. When I explain it to her she feels that I say the things I say just to benefit myself and keep us together.

[vashti]

Wise, I think you need what they used to call an "intervention". You are in denial. You need to break all contact with her until she is emotionally available to you. As long as her heart is tied to HIM, she isn't yours.

[Junket]

When I explain it to her she feels that I say the things I say just to benefit myself and keep us together.

No duh, that's because you do.

Why would you tell her anything that didn't work out in your favor?

In any case, we're looking out for you right now, so stop being stubborn.

[ExpoNovak]

I am not asking for advice for myself. If she has never felt true love before it is possible that she doesn't understand it doesn't just go away instantly for anyone. When I explain it to her she feels that I say the things I say just to benefit myself and keep us together.

No, you aren't asking for advice for yourself but you're loveblind and can't see that you're getting the short end of the stick. Truthfully she isn't going to get over this guy until she falls madly, crazily in love with someone else and if that someone else was going to be you it would have happened by now. What she needs to do is be alone and not in a relationshp with anyone for a while. I know that isn't what you want to hear because that takes you out of the equation, but its the only way to help her. Personally I cannot fathom how you can be in love with someone who has made it more than clear that they cannot get over someone else. Doesn't that make you angry?

[wise25663]

I know my situation! I'm not loveblind! I'm 35 years old, I have a clue about relationships. I know that she truly wants to leave him behind. I just thought that if I could get a neutral opinion on how letting go isn't easy and even harder if you keep contact with the person, from a few people on hear. Maybe she would understand. So, if you can't help me in that situation, please! do not comment. Thank you

[Mathias]

I know my situation! I'm not loveblind! I'm 35 years old, I have a clue about relationships. I know that she truly wants to leave him behind. I just thought that if I could get a neutral opinion on how letting go isn't easy and even harder if you keep contact with the person, from a few people on hear. Maybe she would understand. So, if you can't help me in that situation, please! do not comment. Thank you

We are helping you. Many of us have gone through the same thing you are going through now, and we all know where it leads.

[Gigabitch]

I'm 35 years old, I have a clue about relationships. I know that she truly wants to leave him behind. I just thought that if I could get a neutral opinion on how letting go isn't easy and even harder if you keep contact with the person, from a few people on hear. Maybe she would understand. So, if you can't help me in that situation, please! do not comment. Thank you

There is no such thing as a neutral opinion.

If she truly wanted to let him go, she would. Anyone can see that. Even you, if you would neutralize your own opinion.

I'm 39, and I also have a clue about relationships. I think you're making a mistake in allowing this to continue. She needs someone to help her get a hold of herself, and it sounds like you either refuse to acknowledge that there's a problem here or you don't have the cojones to stand up for yourself.

[bak2885]

See if she is even willing to cut off her contact with her ex. If she is, then that is probably a good sign that she is trying to make herself more available to you. Let her know, if you are willing, that if the time comes that she feels she that she needs to give her ex another chance, that you will wait for her to an extent, but see other people too. Let her know that you will support her, should she need it, in whatever it is she decides with her ex. Let her know that she means that much to you that you want her to be happy, and if she really feels like the other guy will make her happier then she should try for it. A person can only be let down so many times by another before a hatred grows. Is she afraid of being alone? She may just have you around for comfort when she can't have the other guy. I really hope that it works out in your favor,but it may take her a little (by little I really mean a lot) of time to be completely available for you.

[IndiReloaded]

Nate, take your original idea, which was to let her read other ppls objective opinions. I'm 37 & I happen to agree w/everyone here who says she is currently waffling b/t you two. You actually stand a very high chance right now she will dump you & go back to her ex.

Let her read that several experienced ppl are trying to convince you to stay well away until she has made her choice.

[misombra]

omg leave that girl alone.