need a mans opinion

[mindsecho]

Hi all
I have a boyfriend that is driving me crazy! It has been 8 years together. We have had our ups and downs as all relationships do. I am so frustrated right now though. I need to know if i am "overreating" as he calls it....here's the senario....
I have asked him on many occasions to do things with me and its always work comes first..ok so be it. But this weekend, i told him on thursday morning i wanted to get out together saturday evening so please get what you need to get done so we can..mind you its been 4 years since we have got away together without kids overnight...I wanted to go to the local bar to listen to the dj that we had coming...saturday he informed me that HE was having supper with his brother (who he sees atleast 3 times a week) and that i would have to wait until he was ready. So ofcourse i was upset again because i'm always last on the list...i said fine i'm going out at 730 you can join me when you get home. Well his uncle shows up at his house and instead of telling them i'm sorry i have plans with my girlfriend i have to go, he decided that talking to them until 11pm was more important than i was. THEN got mad at me for not waiting until he was good and ready to go out! The week before, i had a business trip to take, i asked him along, we had a free room and supper etc...he said he couldnt get out of work, so i said ok i wont go to that one i will go with my boss to another one because i didnt want to go alone, mind you my boss is a woman also. He got ticked because i went....i ASKED him first! Yet i was supposed to stay home because he said NO?!?!?!?!? PLEASE someone tell me am i over reacting in being upset because i am always put last on his list of priorities?????But mind you, the very next night when i got home, he had time to go run errands ALONE yet he couldnt take the time for me.

[vashti]

A couple of things - why woud you take someone along on a business trip?

As for the rest of it - well, yes I would be mad, but you aren't married. Why do you tolerate it?

Now is your chance to get what you want out of a man. Why settle? You don't have kids with him, do you?

[Gigabitch]

You need to get some friends and leave that guy at home, where he clearly prefers to be.

[mindsecho]

I am a kitchen manager, and it was a food show i was going to, which is basicly a fun little trip...good way to spend the night and day together at no cost to us. He just thinks i was rude in expecting him to tell his uncle he had plans with me and he had to leave....i guess it wasnt rude to leave me sitting there waiting.

[GrkScorp]

I am a kitchen manager, and it was a food show i was going to, which is basicly a fun little trip...good way to spend the night and day together at no cost to us. He just thinks i was rude in expecting him to tell his uncle he had plans with me and he had to leave....i guess it wasnt rude to leave me sitting there waiting.

As a guy.., seriously.., the only real problem or issue.., is poor communication and little effort in mutual understanding prior to any fact taking place..

Have you ever sat down.., talked about.., and had him clearly understand (directly & explicitly) the fact that you don't want to feel last on his list.., that you want to be close to the top.., not close to the bottom.., that you would at least like him to share his time evenly between you and other people.., you're not asking for him to devote all his time to you.., just that he divides his time equally.., that's not much to ask for.., not must to ask for that you see you girlfriend just as much as you see your family for dinner every week.., not much to ask for that he give you a call and let you at least know.., "hey.., i'm going to be a little late.., I don't want to keep you there waiting for me though.., if you want.., you can go.., i'll try and meet you up inside.., and i'll try and hurry things up a little.., I know this was important for you.., but I hope you understand that I didn't exactly plan for them to come over.. what are we going to do?".., don't go off on some mental journey thinking to yourself.., (YES! we've talked about this so many times! and still nothing!).., that just shows that you can't really understand what's going said..

Don't talk "at" him.., talk "to" him.., connect with him.., make sure there's understanding.., if he hasn't understood what you're trying to say.., how you're feeling.., then your talk was useless.., you didn't really have a talk.., you just had an exchange of words.., and maybe the sound was bouncing off the walls.., but it definitely wasn't staying in between anyone's ears..

You can definitely agree that as you read your initial post.., how you can notice for yourself what a silly argument this was.., considering more serious issues that you'll come across on the forum.., this is more or less "petty drama".., a fight for the sake of fighting and getting mad at eachother.., for what reason? What is bottled up? The frustration from lack of mutual understanding.., that's what.. That's the sollution to your problem.., not continuing the fight over who was right.., who was wrong.., who's at fault.., who is guilty.., why it was so wrong of him to do that.., why you don't want it to happen again.., etc.., none of that matters.., it doesn't matter.., all of that is meaningless.., because you already know that the whole argument and fight was meaningless and pointless.., you understand that now.., and that what's really important.., is getting to the real reason.., and cause behind those arguments.., "lack of communication & understanding"..

That's something very personal.., and it depends a lot on what kind of person he is.., but all I can say.., is that the word "mutual".., is more important than the word "understanding".., all problems that come up.., are when you both understand.., different things.. believe me.., when you're on the same page.., things like this don't really happen.., because you both realize.., "wait! this argument is retarded.., why are we getting mad or upset over this?".., but beyond and before that.., you both understand how to communicate well enough.., to avoid these situations now..,

Best,

GrkScorp

[mindsecho]

Been there done that....too many times to count...i think i just need to cut the strings and move on...in 8 years i have received 1 flower (after our first date) I will always come last on his list, he doesnt see that he is out of line or doesnt care because he thinks i will keep taking him back time after time...maybe it is time i find someone that actually gives a damn about me instead of using me for a piece of ass...i think i deserve better....no, i know i deserve better!

[GrkScorp]

Been there done that....too many times to count...i think i just need to cut the strings and move on...in 8 years i have received 1 flower (after our first date) I will always come last on his list, he doesnt see that he is out of line or doesnt care because he thinks i will keep taking him back time after time...maybe it is time i find someone that actually gives a damn about me instead of using me for a piece of ass...i think i deserve better....no, i know i deserve better!

Epic fail

Well then.., it seems like you've both given up on eachother then.., and now it's only a matter of time.., until you both realize that fighting and arguing is not the least bit productive.., and one of you will make the first step to end it.., if it makes you happy or makes you feel any better about yourself.., then you can feel free to be the first person who makes that step..

Best,

GrkScorp

[vashti]

Do you have children with this man?

[mindsecho]

I have a son from a previous relationship but he is all he knows and calls him daddy but this has gone on long enough i think. He deliberately does things to hurt me and doesnt give me or my son a second thought. Its all about him. Take a few minutes ago, we were on the phone trying to talk about the situation...his buddy shows up and he says i have to go...sorry that doesnt cut it anymore, his relationship is dying and he would rather yuck it up with his buddy????!?!!? Nope sorry, he should have said hey dude, sorry i'm in the middle of something important, i will call you when i'm done...but NO he didnt i'm the one that has to wait until he is ready for me???? No i dont deserve that!

[GrkScorp]

No i dont deserve that!

Really? Why? What makes you feel that you deserve any better? You're lucky to have even found such a guy!

I'm just kidding.., I hope that was pretty obvious.., and I hope you see just how wrong your situation is.., you're right.., the guy is an insensitive.., inconsiderate jerk.., who only cares about himself.. Definitely not husband material.., and not exactly boyfriend material either.. You're right.., you need to end it now.., and start over..

Best,

GrkScorp

[vashti]

If your child knows this man as his father, then rushing into a breakup can be damaging to the kid. I think you should try to get some counseling for his sake (the kid).

[mindsecho]

HE just read your earlier post GRK and thinks you are a god,and siding with him. so i told him to go back and read your last post! He is totally clueless and thinks what he is doing is what all men do! GRRRRRRRRRRR I AM SO FRUSTRATED....and mad at myself because i do love the asshole! Even after all of it!

[mindsecho]

Rushing into a breakup? I wouldnt call 4 years of begging him to wake up and pull his head out of his ass and getting nothing but shoved aside for his family and friends is rushing into anything...i told him tonight i am giving him ONE LAST CHANCE to prove to me he wants this and wants more than a F**K Buddy. I'm not going to hold my breath on seeing a change though...this isnt the first time i have said this to him and got nothing out of it.

[vashti]

By "rushing" I meant that you seem pretty determined to break things off.

Why are you opposed to counseling? This isn't just about you. Don't you think your kid is worth the effort to make things right? Does your kid not love this man he calls "dad"?

[GrkScorp]

HE just read your earlier post GRK and thinks you are a god,and siding with him. so i told him to go back and read your last post! He is totally clueless and thinks what he is doing is what all men do! GRRRRRRRRRRR I AM SO FRUSTRATED....and mad at myself because i do love the asshole! Even after all of it!

I'm not siding with anyone.., from what you've told us.., you painted a pretty negative picture.., and if that's in fact the case.., then.., obviously.., no.., you don't deserve that..

Totally clueless.., that's not too much of a shock from me.., not to be hard on the guy.., but "most" men.., not "all" men.., are socially clueless.., they lack any form of intuition.., and that's fine.., that's normal.., ideally.., women would like a guy who can just "know" that something is wrong.., what is wrong.., and how to go about making it better.., without her having to say anything.., ideally.., to be fair.., this IS the OPPOSITE sex.., and the reality is.., that guys DO lack social intuition.., and ARE clueless in these matters.., so unless you make a good effort to state explicitly.., in a way he can understand.., "your feelings".., don't expect him to be a mind-reader..

The fact that he's even bothering to read the posts here.., shows that he might have more willingness to work on these issues than you're giving him credit for.., or would like to believe...., which means.., that the things you've been saying.., or believe to be true.., may just be the result of all these bottled up emotions and feelings.., from months.., years.., of not communicating them clearly enough.., and having misunderstandings both ways..

A guy who doesn't care.., doesn't read all the way through my posts.., trust me on that.., there are women who don't read all the way through my posts.., so don't be so quick to paint this negative picture of him in your mind.., and come here to share.., there may be more to the story that meets the eye.. If you feel you need to let some of that rage out.., then do so.., but before you do.., make sure both of you understand.., that you don't really mean.., everything you're about to say.., including things like (he only wants a fcuk buddy).., things like that can be very insulting for a guy who cares enough to wants this to work.., so as long as you both know that this is just venting.., from bottled up emotions.., you can actually have a productive conversation after the venting stops now..

If you are both reading this.., that's good.., you need to both sit down.., and talk "to" eachother.., understand eachother.., how you are both feeling.., what you are both thinking.., and just let all of that out.., into the open.., and making sure each one of you understand clearly.., perfectly.., no point in keeping it in and venting with anger and rage or insults later.., that doesn't get you anywhere.., and also no point in talking if there's no understanding.., take the time.., as much time as you need.., really.., it's not a race.., it doesn't have to be all in one day.., for you both to establish fluid communication if you both really want this relationship to work..

If one of you doesn't want this relationship to work.., then it's easy to allow yourself to get lost in all the venting.., let the anger and rage get the best of you.., and find excuses to just end things.., rather than try to work them out.., (that's usually the result of not thinking you can be happy with this person in the long run.., and therefore losing all motivation to fix things because you don't think it's worth it).., we all go through ups and downs.., that's normal.., but wouldn't it be a tragedy to let things fall apart because of simple miscommunication and misunderstanding? That's the only reason i'm still posting.., not to take sides.., I don't care.., I don't know you people.., and you probably won't ever come back to loveforum when you both sit down and work this whole thing out now.., but I'm just one of the many people here.., who doesn't like to see these things happen..

So.., I think we've said enough.., it's your turn now..

Best,

GrkScorp